Done!

We finally finished the filming last night.  The actor that drove me home and I left around 2:30 am, and the director and crew were finishing up single shots with the actor that had missed the second night.  It was pretty chilly, I was the only one not wearing a jacket, because my character wasn't wearing one earlier, my arms were freezing.  At one point, while we were waiting outside the van while some interior shots were being finished, the actor (that missed the earlier shoot) gave me a giant towel to use as a blanket, which was thoughtful.  Also, there were no rats, or insects, but this bunny rabbit showed up, mind you this was shot in an industrial zone near the freeway, not prime rabbit habitat.  Odd, but the bunny was cute.  (This was also like 1:30 in the morning.)

The set was a bit toxic, not sure if that was a method acting thing or not (but after three nights of continually hearing some version of "stupid f---ing b---h" aimed in my direction, on and off set, ("you didn't even know your line, you stupid f---ing b---h!" then proceeded to miss their next three takes, all of which was on camera.)  I finally just gritted my teeth against it, and ignored it...which is bad in the sense of not working off of someone, but necessary for my own well-being.  And I just wanted to get through it.)  At one point, the police man that was on set asked me what that was all about, said I didn't deserve to be treated that way, and proceeded to give me a hug, adding that I was a good person.  (And no, I wasn't crying, I had gotten to the point where I was trying to block it out.)  I can't answer what that was about, I know it happens on sets (and much, much worse, think of Dustin Hoffman to Meryl Streep during the filming of "Kramer vs. Kramer", or Stanley Kubrick (allegedly) to Shelley Duvall in "The Shining"), but even if that is your process for getting in your character, should you pull someone else into your warm up process without letting them in on that first?  I mean, otherwise, it just feels abusive.  (And if it's personal, why bring it onto the set in front of everyone rather than deal with it before the need to escalate it to a level of rage?  I mean, you don't have to like me, that's a given, but this was a work environment.  And yeah, I forgot a few lines, but so did everyone else, including that person, and no one else got that level of vitriol, or any at all.)  The characters weren't actually written as hating each other.  It was written as a comedy.

Anyway, glad it's over.  I won't be going to the screening, not because of any of that, but because I have class, and we are doing a public showcase the following day, and for the longer performance piece we've been working on, that'll be the first day we are all in the room together to run through it.  Plus, I really like the class.  I hope I get to see it.  (I don't know, maybe I was being called those things because my acting was bad, still...and no, it wasn't the director, can't imagine him doing that.)  It felt a bit disjuncted working on it, and I'm curious how it'll look in the end, plus there's always something to learn from it, and it's good to have the closure of the end result.  I'll have to ask him to send it.

Wednesday

Need to go garden, have taken the whole week off, forecasted rain never seems to fall here, and haven't watered in over a week, plus it's getting overgrown.  Feeling queasy.  Not sure if it's lack of sleep or something sketchy I ate from a food truck over the weekend (not quite hot enough.)  Ugh.

We finally got around to shooting our film over the last couple of nights, and now I think we will have to re-shoot the whole thing as the actor who has been flakey, showed up to the first night's shoot, said, "See you tomorrow night!" as he departed, and then failed to show up last night.  We were all tired, I got home around 3:30 am after the first night.  He didn't even call, and the director tried to get ahold of him.  (Same actor that missed most of our run-thrus.)  I don't think we can even use the original footage as we'll have to get a new location, and he's obviously in a lot of it.  The director had to secure permits, hire security (for which I was grateful, lots of sketchy action on the periphery of the filming; and so many rodents!), rent a vehicle, and find crew...it's just lame to not show up, and not at least call or something.  And if he had missed the first night, at least we could've brought on another actor, and could've used the footage.  Money, and time.  The screening is in a week.  I don't think we'll shoot tonight, though, so can get some sleep.  (I have an inability to sleep past 8 am.)  I don't know what we're gonna do.  We quit a little after 2 am this morning.  Waiting to see what the plan is now.

We are half-way through the physical-theatre class.  I'm moving more intentionally in general.  What I'm picking up this year is that 1) you are never the most important person on stage; 2) it's all about being your best within the group, but contributing to the whole picture is what matters, it's not about "being interesting" and standing out, but about an awareness of the stage and what is needed.

It was mentioned that this training in the States is useful for working in the group, as our culture is very individualistic.  It raises awareness of what is going on around you, to offer what is needed, and not just trying to "make something happen."  (Which goes back to the idea of a production being about the story, and how the acting, directing, staging, lighting, sound, costume, props, etc., should all be in harmony and in agreement as to what that story is, not for any one element to draw attention to itself as if to say, "Look at me!  Look how clever I am!")  While that might serve the ego, it doesn't serve the story.  You serve the bigger picture, even if it doesn't serve you immediately.  Not everything is about you.  It's reading and feeling for the other.  There is a bigger world out there, sometimes what's best for the most isn't what's best for you, but you choose it anyway, because it serves a greater good, even if it doesn't give you exactly what you want.

(I guess he fell asleep, and we don't have to re-shoot the whole thing, which is a relief.  I like him, I just want him to show up.  Fingers crossed everyone shows up to the make-up shoot.)

Well, that's over

I had a gawd-awful audition.  Not sure why, but my nerves got the best of me, and I got lost in the monologue a third of the way through and had to start over.  And I know this backward and forward, I've had it memorized for months, and practice it multiple times a day.  And then I sang which was awful, as well.  So, obviously didn't get a call-back...I wouldn't have called me back either, though, the casting call wasn't super specific except in asking for dancers to audition, which I have little experience with, but was given a slot anyway.  I think that might have been one of the worst auditions I've done, at any rate, the experience, even if awful, is worthwhile, I was reminded of all the stuff I need to be working on (in all our copious "free-time," as a friend pointed out.  Though, I'll say, you will find the time if it matters to you, lord knows I waste enough time looking at Facebook and youtube videos.  Hours I can't get back.)

Training is good.  I got split into the newbie group, which in a way is good, as we are getting the breakdown in a way I didn't get last year.  Last year, we picked it up by being in the larger group and learning from the people who had been practicing for longer.  And it's good, because I've forgotten a lot of form, and I need to figure out if I can stretch somehow to make my ankles more flexible, or if this is my state of being I need to adjust to.  I used to trail run, and have sprained my ankles a number of time which affected flexibility.  And some of the forms are super uncomfortable to hold with my feet.  Thankfully, it's cooling down today,  the break-out room's been like working out in a hot yoga studio.

Finally will be filming our class thing in the next week.  The screening got pushed back a week.  We are filming after my class (so, really late) 'cos the event happens after dark.  Feeling somewhat out of touch, we haven't worked together in over a month.  Hope it all goes well.

Monday

I have an idea for a clown thing, but it's half-baked, and because of that, wonder if I should just sing.  Not sure what I'll sing, not currently studying voice, and not specifically auditioning for a musical.  I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that the purpose for that would be to hear what I sound like when I sing and possibly range?  Not sure what direction the show will take, there are songs in the text, but it's not traditionally a musical...traditionally, it's Shakespeare, and could really go in any direction.  So, don't have a clue on style of music.

Class starts tonight, it's almost as hot as it was last year (for the same time of year, all three weeks last year were during a heat wave), and as a consequence, hardly slept last night.  Still, looking forward to it.  And I figure, since we all made it through the training in a heat wave last year, can do it again.  There's a good hour working on performance and Ki.  It's doable.  Need to remember to eat enough.

Contained in an Hour

Sirens and emergency vehicles block the alley and the street, rerouting traffic on a busy Friday evening as dusk sets in.  No sign of smoke, only the rising the smell of burning plastic.  My bus comes, I exit to cleaner air.

All this as the final play gets out, and a reception. Again, with a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, we talk about worth, and how your life situation doesn't define who you are, but how in our society it does, and how we judge by the surface things: age, sex, color of skin, your native tongue, how much money you make, what your job title is, how much education you have, how coupled you are, etc.  And one of the women in a video shown on stage said that homeless isn't who you are, but rather the situation you find yourself in at the moment.  We are all many things.  We've all been cowards and courageous.  We've been a friend or a destroyer.  We've loved or been fearful.  We've opened ourselves or closed down.  Some have found they had more resilience than others.

And with someone else we both mention how excited we are to be starting the physical training again in a couple of days.  And I tell her about an audition I have, and when she walks away, and I see the other friend, she asks if my life is going well, because I look good.  And it's the joy of everything of this moment (the upcoming class, talking about an upcoming audition, seeing a show, being around actors, being around people who took the time to dig deeper and give a damn.)  And I think the class last year changed me: the relentless message of "don't you see how beautiful you are?" Four hours a night for three weeks, repeated over and over and over.  (Counters all the other noise that tells us we are not.)

And how one minute can seem like an eternity: one minute I have to be clown for an audition (I don't know what that could even be, and that scares the shit out of me, but the courage of those around me inspires me to show up and do it anyway), or the one minute I got the undivided attention of the one I've wanted to talk to for even a minute, for ages (haven't seen you in months.)  And maybe you can love someone you knew for a minute, because in that minute you were both authentic and open, hiding behind nothing.

Anxiety, Probably Called For

Been having a lot of weird dreams, all of which I am remembering, lately.  A bunch of anxiety dreams that night before the airport shift, the worst of which involved running down a pitch black (and deserted) hallway of a hotel, trying to find someone, and calling out their name, to no avail, though I can feel that some of the doors are open.  It's the "first day on a new job" feeling, the new thing that's out of my routine.  And seeing the reality of how much I have a routine as much as I'd hate to admit it.  (I'd be fine now, since I've gotten through it.  Though I still have anxiety dreams before I have to travel anywhere, even if it's just to my parents' house.)  In reality, the morning started out somewhat chaotic, the driver and I arrived a little after 8 am (I thought we were supposed to show up an hour early at the office) only to find a sign saying the office didn't open up until 9 am, and the flights were coming in before 10.  We did find someone, in the end, and we got to the airport with plenty of time to spare.  I had to meet people at different baggage claim areas, and the flights came in within 10-15 minutes of each other.  I had pictures, the first person resembled his photo, and once we found each other, we walked to the other baggage claim area.  Waited.  And waited.  I saw two people early on that I thought might be who I was meeting, but they didn't see me holding up their name, and he didn't look much like his photo.  (Though I have since seen the same photo elsewhere, and now see the resemblance.)  They walked away, and the area cleared out for the next incoming flight, and then walked back about 20 minutes later, where we finally connected.

Saturday, woke up to a sodden morning, and more weird dreams, trekked out to see the 3-Minute masters at SIFF, then caught the light rail back to the U District to stop by the Farmer's Market (to find something to make pesto with), checking out the Street Fair, which wasn't overly busy, due to the rain and cold, and only bought a tamale, in the end.  (No more nettles to be had.)  (And I love living in a city that has the equivalent of a "subway" now, though I do sometimes think about earthquakes when I'm on it.)

And between the short films, and the street fair, inspired to create.  To expand the realm of what is available, what is possible, what is interesting, believable, beautiful, thriving, pulsing and exciting in my mind.  Good to get out of my own world.  Good to feel inspired.

Today, I went to go see "How Things Work," an Argentinian film, playing in Ballard.  I saw the filmmaker standing outside, and went over to say "Hi" and "Congratulations! It has pretty much sold out."  (I went over and said "hi" because I felt bad about the airport thing; it was their film.  Hopefully, that's not considered "hounding," not my intention, though in retrospect, I can see how it could be.  And if called on it, I won't defend myself.)  I also traded in a couple of my comps for future tickets, tentatively, because I still haven't heard when we are going to be filming our class thing.  (Really hoping we can see the script beforehand, or meet; it's been a while.)

I liked it, had some magical realism.  I liked the camera angles, the way it was filmed, the use of hand-held, the beauty of the desert light.  It's about a toll-booth worker who takes a job selling encyclopedias (that have the "answers to everything" in them) on the road, after her father dies, in order to earn enough money to go to Italy to find her birth mother.  It ends where she is standing in front of her mother on Christmas morning, trying to sell her an encyclopedia, or rather, her mother making an offer to buy one.

There were tangential stories, which I guess would be the magical realism, and they worked for me.  Made me think of our film class and how there are many different ways of telling a story. Perhaps in class, where I have a vague memory of someone mentioning adding something to a script for the purpose of "magical realism," they get told to cut things so they can keep focus on the main protagonist's journey, because they are learning how to tell a story on film...kinda' like the difference between writing a stage play vs. a screenplay, how many fewer words the latter can have, the idea that you don't say it if you can show it, on film.  And how with both, you don't need to tell the audience everything with words, you can let them make the connections themselves.  Trust that they will.  (And I guess that's a difference between telling a story vs. giving a manifesto.  The beauty of a good story being that it can work on you your whole life; at different junctures of your life, you find new meaning in it.  With no definitive answer or resolution, you can turn it over like a pebble, and wrestle with it over the course of your life, sometimes actively, sometimes doing the work passively, but always an irritant to keep you searching.)

The filmmaker mentioned ending it at the meeting, without closure, because he wanted to leave the audience with something to chew on when they left the theatre.  The story was interspersed with "interviews" with the various characters answering questions to the camera, such as "Do you believe in everlasting love?"  "What is death?"  "How do you carry on?"  Questions the encyclopedia might have the answer to, and a way to see deeper into their stories.

One of the tangential stories had to do with an astronaut dog.  And at the end of the movie, my first thought was, "What happened to the dog?"  Actually, the relaltionship between the two women had enough closure for me, because they did finally meet (though every other storyline was left open to ponder; this was her main objective.  And now I wonder, "How does she get back home?"  "Does she go back home?")

In the Q & A after, he mentioned it had taken him nine years to make this film, from when he started to write it.  It won Best Director (Argentinian) and Best Screen Play (Argentinian) at the 2015 Mar de Plata Festival in Argentina.  ("Embrace the Serpent" won the top prize for best feature film.  That played here a couple months back.)  Guess it's okay that I'm still stewing over the thing I started writing last summer, but can't figure out where to go with.

Wednesday

Sitting here eating cake and watching a documentary about the evils of sugar (That Sugar Film.)  Earlier, I was sitting in a cafe with loud music playing, loud enough that I could recite Shakespeare monologues out loud and not bother anyone...actually, it was pretty empty.  I was trying to read Katherine (Henry VIII) in a Spanish accent, felt like I wanted to see if I could do it, as she is from Spain.  Took me twice as long, it was kinda' exhausting, I'm hoping the more I practice accents the faster I'll be able to speak, at any rate, I need to learn to do some at some point (requests I've been seeing are for British and French, but I know how to pronounce in Spanish and Finnish, so, I'm starting there.  I have French language CD's, watch a lot of foreign-language movies, too.  Helps to hear it.)

Life has mostly been a series on banging my head against walls, so, somewhat frustrating.  Finally got some movement on one of the projects I've been working on because we went above everyone's heads after a couple of months of stonewalling.  Much of the remainder of the frustration results from a lack of integrity, just walk your talk.  We're all hypocrites about something, I get that, but if you accept the accolades for something, you actually should be practicing it, otherwise it's just publicity;  and that's transparent, and hard to respect.  Just saying.

Anyway, looking foward to the film festival.  I'm working on Friday, should probably make sure my phone is functioning, as it's a shift where I'll have to call people.  My phone service is pretty awful, it keeps changing settings on me, last time it turned the volume off, and before that it moved the phone icon so that I couldn't find it (when it does updates.)

Watching a bunch of pretty heavy films for my character, this sugar film is a bit of a break.  (Oh, geez, no, this is pissing me off.  Profit over health.  And a calorie is not a calorie, as your body uses fats, carbs, and proteins for different processes.)  Trying to inform what got her to the choice she just made.  It is a comedy, but she still has to have a reason, and also a reason why she says what she does.  We haven't filmed yet.  Having a bit of anxiety over that, though heard from the director today.  They will be screening mid-June.

Cheers.

They grow up so fast

It's finally raining.  An excuse to do nothing outside the house today.  Went for a walk before the rains began.  Now I'm listening to music and sorting through stuff to get rid of it.  (An ongoing process, it seems.)

Was waiting around to sign up for concierge shifts for the film festival, since it seems all the venue shifts have already been filled.  Those have finally posted.

We haven't filmed yet, so also have to keep my schedule open for that.  Doing character research in the meantime, which is actually quite a lot.

Here are the geese babies, a couple more weeks out, they must be between 3-4 weeks old.

Now, May 14/L Herlevi 2016

Mother's Day

I'm feeling a little slow, started writing this on Saturday.

A friend whom I haven't seen socially in ages, sent out an invitation to hang out for Opening Day of Boating season on the Montlake Cut.  She goes every year (she used to row), but I've never made it.  (And as an aside, my college bf and family were always super excited about opening day.  I remember going to a party at someones condo to celebrate, though we never actually went to go watch any boats, and while near the water, there was no view of the races nor the parade.  But there was a party all the same.  Always liked his family.)

I was late setting out.  In my odd thought processes, stressing out about what to bring (snack-wise.) Settled on a cake.  While in the grocery store, toyed with the idea that being there was probably more important than bringing something, and that chips or hummus would also have sufficed, and then I wouldn't actually be late, but then decided that I needed to make something.

Anyway, was late arriving.  Walked the full length of people, one side of the cut to the other, but saw no sign of them.  (Seriously, I need to get phone numbers in my phone.)  It was a lovely morning for a walk, bright sun but cool in the shade, festive.  Took one final detour down a wood-chipped path, thinking, "well, even if I don't find them, it got me down here for the first time in ages, and I'm enjoying it," when I looked down to see a child, scrambling up the steep hillside below me, hanging onto a metal pipe, who looks at me and says "Hello."  It is my friend's child.  So, I make my way back around, using the stairs rather than the hillside, he is more fearless about such things than I, and I find them, overlooking the canal, plenty of room.  There were just a couple races left, plus the parade of boats.

And whenever I have to get up early to cook something, I think of my mother, waking up before dawn to bake a cake or cupcakes or make food for a potluck.  Staying up late to sew me some part of an outfit for Brownies. Curling my long hair in rollers, and having me sit under one of those dryers, to make my often tangled hair look good for school pictures.  It's the thing that stands out the most for me now for some reason.  It humbles me.  It's a quiet kind of mother's love, done when no one is looking.

Walking out

Hit my psychic wall of what I could take, and had to leave work early, as I couldn't deal with people any more.  The crying, I suppose, is unprofessional, but I'm a human first.  Anyone who has ever worked a customer service job, whether in person or by phone (or even over the internet, now) knows what I'm talking about.  You absorb slight after slight after slight, for hours on end, because unlike other jobs, you can't close a door or really walk away (cashiers, waiters, bartenders, front office, service centers, etc., you're whole shift is with the public), and then you hit your limit.

I told my boss I was leaving because I couldn't deal with people anymore.  I think one of the assistants went in and told her why, I don't want to get fired, but I couldn't talk to anyone else.  Had already cried on four people, and taken time out for lunch to calm down, but there was no where for any privacy.  Sat with sunglasses on and wrote.

Came home and went to the park.  Sat and watched birds.  Tried to read.  Came home and had a long talk with my housemate about it.  It's seven hours later and it's still making me upset.  At one point I was furious.

I confronted a person because they were talking trash about me in the third person to other people, while I was standing there, as if I weren't there.  I've never seen this person in my life, and didn't see them enter the building.  I had been trying to figure out why all these people (20? 30?) were suddenly in the room, milling about in front of me, and who they wanted to see.  I was surprised by their presence, so perhaps I wasn't as happy and welcoming as I was "supposed to" be.  I'm not even sure what I was being accused of.  Only that when I asked, the response was that they had a right to be there, to which I replied, "I never questioned that.  I never asked you to leave."  (I've never asked anyone to leave.)  I asked two times, "Can I help you?"  (Which I ask everyone that enters through the door.)  And no one answered, and then finally someone came over and finally asked me where a room was, and I figured out who they wanted to see, and I called that person.

I don't know why it upset me as much as it did.  One of my colleagues said it was because I was attacked.  Maybe.  Or maybe it was just my breaking point.  (Being dismissed, "she" "that secretary," being invisible, being accused, being judged.  Being "less than" because of my status?  Being "less than" because I'm a woman?  In any case, being unworthy, in their eyes, of addressing their issue with me to my face.)  I don't know.  Normally, I suppose I would've ignored it.  Not sure what snapped in me.