As of late

Woke up at 7, thinking it was 4 am because it was overcast, realized quickly I needed to get to work.  Had been having a dream where I was in a job interview that my mom had applied me for that I didn't know about, wasn't prepared for, wasn't dressed for, and a job a definitely didn't think I was qualified for (it was either a principal of a school, or a journalist...I could probably have pulled off the journalist thing).  I tried to come up with an answer to why they should hire me as a principal, and came up with some answer about being an outsider and shaking things up.  The interview was in a community center, all the chairs were set up in a circle, there were maybe 30-50 people there to ask me questions.  Right before I woke up, I leaned over to my mother and asked her if there was anything I should know about the job, and she said, "I told them you were 24."  (Wouldn't they figure it out that I wasn't?) I woke up before I got to answer any questions.  Curious as to what my dream me would've come up with.

Other recent things.  Saw an owl sitting on the ground while I was walking around at lunch yesterday, looking for a place to sit and read.  I was actually looking for rabbits.  Eventually, it raised itself up and flew into a nearby tree.  Seeing it during the middle of the day, and on the ground, was odd.  But it didn't seem in distress or injured, at any rate.  That was unexpected.  Saw a river otter surface and munch on a fish a couple weeks ago when I was walking near Lake Washington.  And then a short distance further, a bull frog.

Went to the beach on Saturday to muck around in the low tide.  The eel grass is way more extensive than it was last time I was there, hard to avoid, very little open sand.  I saw sea cucumbers (which I somehow originally missed, and then noticed through my camera lens while taking a picture of a worm), and then I found them everywhere; ochre starfish, sea anemones, barnacles, a live moon snail, wooly chitons, limpets, and lots of different seaweeds.  Got sunburned, too.  And probably food poisoning somewhere down there, was sick all the next day.

Low Tide, Golden Gardens, July 8/L Herlevi 2018

Sea Cucumber, July 8/L Herlevi 2018

Golden Gardens, July 8/L Herlevi 2018

Saw a friend I last saw four years ago, and probably not for 15 years before that.  Another friend invited me along to see him and his wife who are in town briefly for a visit.  I had some anxiety about it, kinda' dumb, he'd been one of my best friends in college, but we'd fallen out of touch.  It was good.  Eye-opening: reminded me of how it is when someone loves you openly, doesn't withhold, isn't punishing...when someone makes the choice to love you.  Attraction might not always be a choice, but love is.  I made a choice at 21, and I would probably make the same one again, but damn, it's nice to know someone loves you.  (It was always mutual, if not romantic.  It's the value, the worthiness recognized in the other.  He always treated me as if I was an equal, that I mattered.)  Meantime, "too busy" feels like "not choosing you."  Everyone is busy.  Everyone makes choices.

Cheers.

The week

I had a really good tomato salad on toasted baguette this morning.  It had the perfect balance, and I find I want no other taste, so I guess I'm satiated.

I felt an embarrassment of riches yesterday, and I prepared a bunch of food, but ate leftovers.  Half motivated.  Mostly stayed off-line, so even though I slept a good chunk of the day, I also managed to read, clean the bathroom, wash laundry (so, it'd have time to air dry...our dryer has been busted a good two out of the past eight months), go grocery shopping.  Feels decadent and productive; I blew off any expectations, feeling buried in "shoulds."

On Saturday, I took my sheets over to a friend's house to use his washer/dryer, as my drying rack can't accommodate them, and I'd been having night sweats and really needed to wash them.  Was holding out for the landlord to come through, but he just sent out a link to a laundry mat.  Sigh.  We went out for dumplings while the wash ran.  (The food was wonderful.)

I woke up on Friday morning with the right side of my throat swollen, as if I had inhaled an insect in my sleep and it had become lodged somewhere in my sinus tract.  Hurt to talk.  Hurt to swallow.  Went to work anyway because I needed to take care of some project stuff, but then went home after three hours.  Dosed up on elderberry syrup and tea and listened to the radio.  On Saturday morning, it hadn't improved, debated with self if I should go to a pharmacy and see if someone could run a test for strep.  Went for a walk instead, to visit the lake.  A misty rain greeted me when I got there.  Walked anyway.  Went to the farmers' market.  Smacked my head with a glass bottle because I forgot I was carrying it in my bag, and threw the bag over my head in an attempt to evade a crow's angry dive.  Made plans to meet my friend, and by the time he stopped by to pick me (and my laundry) up, the throat pain was fading.  By the time we finished lunch, it was gone.

Last week was rough.  Part of me thinks that throat pain was collective grief.

The prior Friday I gone to a professional baseball game, I've only ever gone to one other, and all I remembered about that was that we were in nosebleed seats, and the most interesting thing that happened that night was as giant carrot walking through the bleachers and people scrambling to get a picture with it.  I'd been on the fence about going again, but I think I'd said I was interested, and someone sent me a ticket in the mail, so that sealed it.  Anyway, this one was really fun.  I know next-to-nothing about baseball, but the people on either side of me were fans, and seemed happy to explain what was going on.  It was a good game, too.  We won, and there was a fireworks show after.

Saturday morning, a man in my basement told me my housemate was in jail for assault.  He was a friend who'd been staying with her in our house for a while, I guess.  I had to work at On the Boards, so I let it go.  While at work, I got a series of frantic texts from one of my other housemates, regarding the person I'd met earlier.  I don't know what's true, but my housemate was trying to get a hold of our landlord to get the locks changed.  Across the board, all eight shows of the NWNW were fantastic, but I was overly distracted during the final showcase because I was trying to figure out if it was safe to go home, and I was having trouble reaching anyone.  Finally, one of the men who lives next to me, told me he was home and would be home all night, so I wouldn't be home alone.  The housemate who'd been in jail, had moved out earlier in the day, but the stranger still had access to our house.  It was late when I arrived home, but without incident.

On Sunday, I went to the zoo, to get out of the house.  The landlord finally stopped by and changed the locks.  I called home for Father's Day.  Got some difficult news.

Monday, the head of my work area called me over, said he needed to talk to me.  My colleague's (and friend) partner had been killed on Sunday.

On Wednesday, my boss called me over, and told me another colleague/friend's mother had been killed in a car accident on Tuesday.

On Wednesday or Thursday, my sister contacted me regarding my parents.

I started reading a book of essays about sexual assault, "Not that Bad," Roxane Gay, and another book of first-hand experiences regarding the changes in the USSR/Russia since 1991, "Secondhand Time," Svetlana Alexievich, and seeing parallels.  And I kept finding myself holding my breath while I was reading, so much so that I had to keep forcing myself to inhale.

So, grief?  Yeah.  And I cried some last week for my friends, and for myself.  But I don't feel a great need to cry, and I don't know what to do about the grief.  It isn't overwhelming, still, solid, and assertive in the pain.  Maybe it only needed to be acknowledged.  So I did.  But I also want to take pleasure in things, like the feel of the sun, or the breeze, or the rain, or the perfectly balanced flavor of the salad.  To be present, and take care of what I can, and only that.  I'm trying to learn how to not dissolve into someone else's needs.  I'm trying to learn to stop losing track of myself.  I'm trying to learn to stay visible and real to myself.

Sunday

The crow gets me as soon as I get to the sidewalk, swoops down from the apartment roof across the street, just when I think the coast is clear.  The baby is in the tree just beyond our front steps.  I went to the coffee shop to write, first time in a long while.  A crow was waiting again for me, this time in the alley as I made my way back home.  Right before the walkway to the back door, I was greeted with a sudden agitated cawing.  I tossed out a piece of an omelette I was carrying, it appeased a different crow, one I wasn't aware of, who dropped down out of the neighbor's yard to snag it, but I was able to get into the house.  Can hear angry cawing outside, down the street; another interloper to ward off.  Sigh.  I'll need to get a big hat or something.

49 degrees this morning: Junuary, indeed.  High today is only 60 F.  My watermelons sprouted a couple weeks ago, but have been dormant since.  Now it's too cold to transplant.  Had a staged reading last night.  Our call was 7 pm, left with what I thought was sufficient time, and decided to take the light rail rather than the bus, as bus got stuck in traffic and I was late to rehearsal earlier in the week.  Made it to the U-District by bus on way to the light rail station, only to be stuck in traffic once again, having forgotten that it had been the UW's graduation earlier in the afternoon.  Beat the predicted rain, or so I thought, and made it to the International District with a little time to spare, so walked to Pioneer Square for coffee, and as soon as I got to the counter to order, I looked out the windows to see people covering their heads and cowering under awnings in the sudden downpour.  So I got drenched afterall.  At least the plants I have in the ground are getting adequately watered.

Wanted to stay for the talk-back after the reading (the play was about Enron and it's aftermath), but didn't relish waiting at my bus stop Downtown late, so, asked a friend that was leaving for a ride.  He was taking a car share.  Put in both our addresses before his phone died.  Driver took him home, but the reservation had dropped my address.  My friend got out of the car and left me there, not concerned if I got home safely or not, saying some incoherent thing about his cat being outside.  Making me feel like I shouldn't have taken him up on his offer to be able to ask him for a ride.  I guess it should've been enough that he showed up to the show (I appreciate that, I do.)  The driver said he'd take me home if it was less than two miles, which it was, so he did.  I could've walked, I suppose, but I appreciated him taking me home: it was late, deserted, and there's an unavoidable sketchy stretch.  I made it home.

Have notes for myself regarding the performance, but it's all a learning experience, and it was fun.  Makes me want to make more of an effort to do it more.  I have so much to catch up on.  Finally have the energy, and the time.  (Bought workshop access, online, months ago, that I haven't had the energy to devote myself to, but am finally coming back into clear enough mental space...three of them, actually.)

The wind is kicking up, I can see trees waving, and birds flying close to the window.  I'm working later today, but rains means I can stay inside until then...maybe the crows will let me leave the house in peace.

The rain has begun.

Monday

Well, the vote happened, and it passed.  We are now in unchartered land, and I suppose a shake-up will be good in the end...as someone said, "Sometimes you have to say 'Yes' and trust."  And of course, now that it's happened, I'm not anxious about any further outcome: the door to the past is shut, and the possibilities entangled with that outcome are gone.  Have been wrestling with the related anxiety for months.

Worked a concierge shift for the film festival on Saturday night.  It ended earlier than slated, and my driver drove me home, so that saved the cab fare.  It had been a sunny day, so I didn't think to bring a rain jacket when I left to catch the bus, but halfway to Downtown, a downpour hit, and if anything, it just kept raining harder.  I was drenched from the four blocks of walking by the time I got to the hotel lobby, looking like a drowned rat to check-in for my shift.  Luckily, the bathrooms had real towels.  Luckily, I could get out of it, some people had no place to shelter.

Went to this museum event after work on Friday, and a matinee of a play on Sunday, so no gardening done.  At least it rained, so, if the plants haven't been devoured by slugs, they should still be growing.  I'll be there a lot this week.  I can't believe it's already almost Memorial Day weekend, feel like we just had our last holiday, and were talking about how long until the next one was...three-and-a-half months ago.

Have a staged reading coming up, and will probably audition for this other upcoming performance piece.  And look into tap classes for the summer.

And need to make the time to figure out/write down for myself what I actually believe, want out of life, give myself an anchor.  And decide if my day-to-day life is really what I want and if it's working for me, and if I chose it, or fell into a groove and stayed on auto-pilot.  Maybe there's more.  Finding out is care of self, too.

Empty Space

Been on a cleaning binge.  Started at home because my landlord mentioned he was stopping by to do a safety inspection, and that included rooms, and my room was a disaster.  Then I was thinking I'd really like to get a bag of documents shredded, and happened to see something on facebook for a free shredding event in my neighborhood, so lugged them there, and got rid of that.  And then clothes I don't wear, and clothes that are beyond repair.  And I've been clearing out stuff at work for a remodel, and that got picked up this week...all the open space is making me feel more free, and I'm enjoying being home more (minus the ant infestation.  The landlord put out traps, but the heat has made them increase in spite of that.  It's gross.)

And I went out to dinner with a friend, we were going to talk about this oral history project (though I haven't had the energy to think much about it, been overextended for most of the year), but ended up talking about a vote that's coming up, and then I told him a couple of things I haven't wanted to admit to anyone, but he seemed like he might be receptive to hearing them, and I needed to say them to someone...get the secrets to not be secrets; release the weight of them.  To let go of the shame of what drove some choices I've made; shame of how I've let others treat me.

And in multiple, major, areas of my life, things will change, that's inevitable both in the general sense, but now in the specific.  I think I'll accept the change, but is it just my stubborness that's resisting?  What am I afraid of losing, exactly?  I haven't made the time to think about it, and now that moment to decide has arrived, on timelines decided by others.  Why am I so resistant?  (Had conversations with two friends tonight about it.  I really don't like change, but I also know we'll cease to exist if we don't do something different, possibly something radical.  And the opportunity is here.)

Enjoy every moment for what it is.  We can never get it back again.  How much time is it that we think we have to squander?  The only certainty is right now.

Tuesday

If any stars aligned, they were surely tricksters.  Maybe "soul mates" are people that force you to grow into who you were meant to be.

The sun rises now a little after 5 am.  The robin (maybe more than one, but the nearest one was quite dominant) begins it's song around 3, it loudly echos in the dark.  Other, more chatter-y birds, joined in for a while, closer to the house.  I woke up every hour last night, the room too hot to stay asleep.  Fell back asleep instead of getting up at 5:30, and woke up again, after 7 am, late, with lingering film in my mind from last dream, that may or may not have involved a mass kidnapping, never did figure it out, but there was a cult-like figure in charge, and I was making plans for escape.

Went to water late, waiting for the sun to drop behind the trees.  A bunch of kids came tearing through the garden playing "tag" in the fading light.  The heat and the laughter made me believe it was actually summer, but it's still spring, and a school night at that.

Later, 9-ish, walking out of the house to write, (and find some cooler air) and read up on what I'm supposed to be doing as a site leader, I found all the cafes closed early.  Crossed to the park, stopped by an opening of the trees to watch several bats darting over the lake, the first of the season for me.  The air is full now of insects in the evenings, more than I've ever seen here.  The water smelt like raw sewage, but I stood for a while anyway and watched the bats.  Walked back up toward the house, and stopped at the pub to write, because it was open, and always is rather cold inside.  Ordered soup (because it was the least expensive thing on the menu) and wrote.

I know I have my faults too, for one thing, I'm stubborn, and I have a hard time letting go of hurts and bridging the gap to make amends.  (Though, once cleared, I won't tend to bring them up again, unless it becomes a continual pattern.  And forgiveness sometimes includes walking away.)  And I'm not the woman I hope to be, but I can see glimpses of that now, which is hopeful.  At any rate, it wasn't all bad, and I don't mean to imply it was, there were some moments of real connection and deep conversation, and some support, and sometimes fun, and he could be really generous, just not in the way I needed (time, connection, communication, affection), and not often enough, and when we didn't connect and didn't try, it was painful; and I don't have the energy or desire to deal with mind-fuckery right now (whether actually intentional, resulting from cluelessness, or only received/perceived by me as such because of my own insecurities or baggage, or a combination of the three-the latter of which would call for self-examination for sure.  And was it a sabotage of yourself, of me, or just a passive way of pushing me away?)  Does any of that matter now?  I need to take care of myself for a while.  (For nine months though, I chose you every day.  You rarely chose me.)

Where things are

We are having a heatwave.  The attic is sweltering.  I've got 1/6 of my garden planted, I was going to do more today, but I have to figure out where to put all the trailing plants (squash, melon, cucumber...in the garden, my optimism remains intact), and decide if I want to grow anything else.  I started some seeds a few weeks back, but I didn't have anything to mark them with, so, I'll need to look up the leaves to see what's what (and at the seed packets to remember what I even planted.)

Hung out with some former Meisner classmates last night.  It was good, had some real conversations, people asked how I was, and I think they really meant it.  Anyway, late in the evening, I was laughing so hard I was crying (I had accidently rubbed sunscreen into my eyes, so that added to the watering).  I don't remember the last time I've laughed that hard...I don't remember the last time I really laughed much.  I haven't felt consistantly good in a long time, more a series of highs and lows, with short stints of an even keel (defined here as "good")...I like the even keel.  I want more of it.  I've been describing myself as "like an addict."  And it's not fulfilling for me.  I can't go on like this.  But how do I let go of something that doesn't exist?  Month after month without clarity. (And what was ever in it for him?)  At any rate, I need to take care of myself.  I haven't been.  I've been holding my breath, waiting for something external to be solid.  Maybe nothing ever is.

I have learned some things about myself, I've grown a lot and I'm grateful for that.  If anything, I've learned to appreciate myself more.  Love myself more.  (And I do love him, but that's not enough) and I am tired of being sad.  Tired of feeling invisible. Tired of aching, the lack of connection, the withholding, the feeling like a "duty."  (Feeling like time spent with me was something checked off a list because you had to.  Why then?  Asking me to be there, then pushing me away when I get there.  Saying you enjoy time with me, but acting as if you can't wait for me to leave.  Checking your phone, for the better offer that negates our time.)  Tired of thinking things will get better, of believing in "promises" (statements of intent?) and being disappointed in that when I trust in what was said, and it's suddenly pulled away (and that is my own fault, I know, but where are we without trust in what we say to one another?  How can you build any type of relationship without that basic grounding of trust?  Words are just sounds if they aren't true after you speak them.  Or  write them.  Without trust we're all adrift with every whim, without any direction or anchor.)  Tired of being last.  Tired of scraps (and how willingly I grab at them because something is better than nothing.  So also tired of my own lack of healthy boundaries.  Hearing about how good you've been to other people.  Other people are worth the good, and I get the bad because you've been hurt by someone else?)  Tired of vagueness, the non relationship.  Tired of not being worth honesty, feeling that it's not safe.  Tired of not being seen, not seen as having worth in me, the person in front of you.  Tired of secrecy, the squirrellyness.  Tired of my own insecurities.  Tired of poor communication (on both sides).  Tired of a lack of affection or warmth or genuine interest in me.  Tired of feeling dirty and untouchable.  Tired of settling for less than I want, and tired of believing that this is how life will always be, and that I should be happy for any attention at all, that mutuality is only for other people.  Tired of believing in a carrot that I follow into a future that will never happen.  Someday.  Was going to.  Next time.  We should.  In the future, a future that only exists in the words as they are spoken.  And maybe they are true in that moment, but they never become reality.  And I keep following them.  Believing them.  Until they dissolve back into the air.  And you're standing there saying it's time to go.

Known by its absence

The fog billowed in like smoke, temporarily obscuring the sky.  The air smelled like bbq.  So much traffic, dodging cars just to get to the bus stop.  The bartender introduced himself last night as I closed my dinner tab, I'm not quite a regular, but maybe I'm becoming one.  Sitting in the cafe to read and write, the latter not quite going as I'd hoped.  Practice.

Long walk at lunch, to check out the wildlife.  The osprey have returned, nesting on the designated platform created for them.  Circling and chirping over the water.  As I look toward the nest a heron flies low over my head to land in the near pond.  Possible sighting of a cinnamon teal a little further on, but too far to be certain.

Late in the day, I feel an absence and realize I've lost a necklace I just bought from a friend.  I loved the necklace.  I check lost and found after work, and then re-trace my entire walk from earlier in the day, backward.  It gets a second walk in.  The air is pleasant, the sun is shining, if dropping lower in the horizon.  Back in the Fill, an eagle chases an opsrey, but the latter is more agile in flight, and it banks and gains more and more distance.  Some crows join in and chase off the eagle.  A woodpecker knocks on a nearby tree.

I don't find the necklace.  Slightly sad about it, but maybe it wasn't meant to be mine, and I hope it found a new home.  Money is only an exchange of energy, not a guarantee of ownership.  I got a week of enjoyment from it, and a good walk and wildlife sighting.  This morning when I was telling a co-worker about it, my story was interrupted by a rabbit leaping down from a planter and coming to look at us through the glass door, and then hopping away again.  I guess we're trading sightings now: I usually go out to look for it.

Needed a dress.  Went to Goodwill.  Tried on a bunch, then as I was about to pay for one, found the rack of the nicer dresses, and then found one of those that fit...trade a necklace for a rabbit and a dress?  I guess so.

Ridiculous occupation of my thoughts

Woke up wanting to implement change.  Witnessing other people go through seismic changes, and realizing that I don't/can't stay the same forever, so what can I change now?

Other than that, the world could be crashing in on itself (people are needlessly dying, suffering, losing shelter, war, injustice, job loss, weather cycles messed up, etc), and I am completely consumed by thoughts of wanting lasagna.  Hit me at 5 pm yesterday, and occupying about 99% of me now.  I kid you not.  (And it's not like it's a comfort food for me, or something I've eaten all that much.  And I ate pasta last night, but that didn't relieve the craving.  And I can't make it tonight, I have rehearsal.  Ugh.)

Thursday

Every morning I awaken to the sound of bird song, usually a robin is the loudest.  Does this happen everywhere?  Makes for a pleasant alarm.

Today's rain drips thick and heavy, pooling like mercury, until the leaf flicks, and it suddenly drops down to soil.

I shake the thought that today is Friday.  It's not, been off all week.

I joined a protest, then joined a march, on one of the days where the sun shone.  For my lunch break.  Walking back to work, I saw the snow goose swimming in a fountain with the Canada geese.  When I returned later to take a photo, all the birds had flown away.

I went back to look again today, but found a small flock of ring-necked ducks in place of all the geese.  Nearby, the herons have returned to nest in the rookery for the season, and I came across my no-longer-mini rabbit for the third time this week, eating grass at the edge of a field.  Now that the crowds have receded, I guess it's safe to come out during the day again.

An old email system is being deleted, so I decided to look through it, see if I needed to save anything.  I was reminded that I had worked with a lot of amazing and compassionate people.  I wouldn't go back there, but it's good to remember.

Perhaps my eyes need to be more wide, more open, more seeing of what is there, and not always what I wish I saw.  That maybe we got lost here somehow, that it was really only catching up, a way to remember who we once were, and no longer are.  (And I wouldn't go back.  Life changes you, that's okay.  Who we've become really is enough.)

Oh, and that's an early call tomorrow.  Guess I'll be catching a cab.