Day 13

Back on the wagon, more or less (drank coffee this morning.)  Definitely feel worse for having binged (wheat, sugar, dairy) all weekend.  Funny how I hadn't noticed how much better I had been feeling without them.  Good and bad, I guess.  Good that there is something in the diet; bad, that it's probably something that's been a major part of my diet.  I just don't get all that excited about putting limits on myself, but you know, if I actually feel better, that'd be a good thing.  Glad it hit after we sang, was having trouble speaking, sounding very monotone, can't imagine singing in that state.

Need to come up with a title for my solo piece...have no idea, everything sounds either trite or heavy handed.  And I need to practice this bit with a jacket...being two characters, one putting the jacket on the other.  And if I'm stumbling over the language, is that because writing doesn't translate to speaking or because I just need to practice it more?

The concert feels too soon.  Only three more rehearsals.  The voice/breathing lessons are exhausting, but I did learn a new way of singing.  It all feels a bit chaotic, waiting for the pieces to land and reset.

Things that aren't working aren't gonna suddenly change.  Caring seems to be the normal behavior.  Why try to find it where it can't/won't exist?  It's not unheard of to want people in your life to ask how you are, want to know you.  That's a normal healthy behavior.  It's not that hard.  Do I only exist to notice you?  To be here only when you need something?  Was there any worth you saw in me?  If there ever is or was, maybe you could tell me, otherwise I'd never know it.  If nothing about me is ever good enough, I can't do it anymore, it's too exhausting, soul-sucking.  I die a little every time.  When I reach out, it's empty air.  And it's me that needs to change: I need to stop holding onto the hope that today will be any different than yesterday: there is no great epiphany.  Let what I thought I knew go, and let it reset how it will.