No trees (here) today

In general, I'm solidly in the camp that says that you should not use your performance/acting as a form of catharsis.  And the thing I wrote about happened six years ago, sure there was a little rawness, but not in a bad way, I didn't think.  The piece kinda' wrote itself.  That said, I've been spending a lot of time (confronting would be too strong of a term) contemplating the dynamic of tyrants in my head, from wherever they have come from, and how I wasted so much of my time trying to be good enough to gain their approval, or at least avoid their wrath (which will never happen, it's an impossible task, especially since they became so embedded in my thoughts that they don't belong to anyone in particular anymore.)  And the thing is, even if it was never directed at me (with some of the sources of the voices, it was) I never fully trusted, I always thought there could be a sudden turning on me (hence, the cowering dog analogy).  And the wariness always seems to be present, even when there is no reason for it, i.e., whomever I'm around doesn't have that tendency.  Most people in my life do not have that tendency, and yet I am still drawn to those that do, as if, if I can find that magic key, everything will fall into place.  Chasing unicorns.  It won't.  (There have been both good and bad landlords, teachers, bosses, critiques, friends, etc.)  And one of the reasons it surprised me, was that I have confronted several of the sources in real life, I'd thought that was enough.  It gave me a backbone, but it didn't neutralize what was already there.

At any rate, since I wrote it, I've been finding a lot of information on dealing with it.  Even when it's been buried, it's no way to live.  I'm ready for the dynamic to change.

It was raining when I went to look at the trees.  Earlier, I had gone for a walk to see what the birds were up to.  There weren't very many (mostly N. Shovelers), but I did see one of those white-bellied swallows (or maybe it's a swift?) Might be a migratory bird.  Mostly, I took pictures of the asphalt.

Asphalt, March 17/L Herlevi 2015

Asphalt with spot, March 17/L Herlevi 2015

I have a dentist appointment in the morning.  I think I might have a chipped tooth or a cavity.  Ugh.  It will feel better if I stop avoiding it.