Day 17

I find I am lacking space.  Space for new breath, or breath at all.  Over scheduled.  Partially, it's that I'm pushing for things to change, and saying "yes" to any opportunity that might afford that.  Grabbing at the air to push forward, and maybe I should stop pushing.  The job tonight, I scheduled weeks ago, not knowing what else would fill in the rest of my days.  It's not hard, I'm just tired, and feeling like I'm isolating myself a little.  Haven't found the right amount of tension.

The solo show is tomorrow.  And it will be what it will be.  I have to work at the garden in the morning, and might do an audition, but not sure...I want to be ready.  I'm not nervous yet.  I'm sure it will hit when he gives me the signal to go on.  And sing.

It's interesting.  I've mentioned before that I was surprised this is what I wrote.  I also have been surprised by how raw this still is for me.  Catalyst was six years ago.  I had thought it was about something else (trust, maybe?), and in writing this, and making it physical, I found a different meaning.  Now it also has to do with identity and all the competing outside voices telling us who we are supposed to be (or need to be), and how we find ourselves in spite of that.  What do we listen to?  How do we trust that?  How do we drown out the voices that want to control us and keep us in our place to make their own worlds more predictable?  Someone commented that it was finding a new god:  it's the difference between fear/vengeance/compliance vs. love/acceptance as you are:  You/I don't have to be perfect first.

It's been eye-opening and cathartic.  How deep and hidden beliefs lie (things we were told that sunk in like a knife through butter lodged in without our permission), how we can automatically operate on things we didn't realize were still around and buried, like some poison leaching out and affecting everything we do or choose.  Once you know it's there, find it's source, how long does it take to change?  Or do we forget about it and rebury it in neglect?

If I write another, I'll try to write it with humor.  It can be done.