Wednesday

Been watching these Royal Shakespeare Company DVD's called "Playing Shakespeare."  I have to finally return them tonight, but just blown away by how good these actors are, they turn on a dime.  There are things I'm not ready to comprehend yet (which is why I'm taking an intro class), but it's inspiring.

My physical therapist discharged me from care yesterday.  I suppose I have the option of returning in the future, I'm about 40% better, I can put on my shoes and socks without pain now, and I'm a lot stronger, the gym exercises at the end there were pretty brutal.  I need to find some type of exercise I like.  One of the more interesting things about all this, was when I saw the hip doctor in December, she took x-rays, and found no joint damage.  13 years ago I was told I did have joint damage and to be careful about high-impact exercise, but I guess that was wrong.  Interesting.  Second opinions are worth something.

And just got a letter that my rent is going up, $60 for rent, $10 more on the utilities (so up to $760.)  So, I'm looking.  My lease isn't up for a couple more months, but there are much nicer places, fewer people, lower rent, etc, out there currently.  Just have to figure out how I'll do the actual "moving" part, being that I can't actually really lift anything at this point.

Drank a mocha this morning.  Didn't rock my world, but have been feeling irritable and edgy all week and thought it might help. (Excuses, excuses.)  Still edgy.  Time to cut some cords.  Avoidance isn't serving me well.

Cheers.

Monday

After class, again, so tired I barely made it in the house.  I was wondering what would still scare me and then found it:  doing the monologues in front of everyone (plus a guest) over-emphasizing, and playing with the alliteration, sounds, verbs, etc...mostly it scared me because I'm not sure how to do it.  We only got to three people, though.  Picked scenes/partners, my monologue is from a comedy, though the monologue itself kinda' goes all over the place; the scene is not a comedy.  I had also been leaning toward something from "The Taming of the Shrew" because the dialogue is fast and it woulda' been fun, and also like the Elizabeth and Richard scene from "Richard III," but in the end went with the Scottish play.  I have a week to figure it out before meeting with my partner.  Also tentatively agreed to do a second scene, if needed, with someone who was absent today.  I must've lost my mind...not sure what all this free time I think I have is.

We walked out the door into a group of cops standing over a woman who'd been pepper sprayed and asking her if she wanted water for her eyes, and saying something about a drunk tank.  At the bus stop, the air smelt like a cow pasture.  No idea why.  It still lingers in my nose.

Too tired to write any more.

Muddling through

This had been a rough couple of weeks.  Not only all the death and loss, (people I admired, people I knew personally, people close to friends), but communication has been a mess.  A mess.  Some would say that's the Mercury retrograde, perhaps...never had it this bad before.  My levels of frustration have been high, every time there is something new (that I thought had already been taken care of), and I feel like banging my head into my computer (this is now a regular thing), I remind myself that it will all work itself out in the end.  Just feels like a big, tangled mess when I'm in it.

And so it continues...breathe.

Things that have worked themselves out:  got a last minute audition for the film class, and found out I was accepted...so that's happening.  It's funny, I finally decided on a monologue from a play I worked on in college.  Partially, it's because I had it around in my books, and partially, it's because it still resonates with me.  I don't know the reasons for why I got into the class, but I'll work on it (the monologue) more, because I like it.  I have been looking a long time.  Finally got on the email list for the Shakespeare class, so I sorta' know what's going on now.  Didn't apply for the solo thing because the mentor I asked couldn't do it now, and I didn't know who else to ask.  I coulda' pushed harder, I don't know...deadline is today.

I wandered around after working the door at the theatre festival on my birthday.  Went to all the places in the Pike Place Market I've never been to before, up stairs, down random hallways.  I was exploring, and also looking for breakfast.  Finally, opened a door walked up the stairs onto a Bolivian restaurant, and ate there.  My first cheat of the month, I ate flan, and had hot chocolate with rum in it.  Made me a little sick, actually.  Went to art galleries, and then the sculpture park to look at the nurse log, see what was growing on it (don't think I've re-visited it since the park opened back in 2007.)  And to watch the light and shadows play on the Richard Sera sculpture (one of my favorite things in Seattle.)  By the time I got home, and it was time to go back to the theatre, I was too tired to go, so only went to the first night (of four.)  Those plays were good, though.  (14 new plays in 48 hours; seven each night.)

The thing with the sugar.  First, I don't think I've lost any weight, at least I hadn't by last Friday, but my energy is much more stable over the course of the day.  In the past, because my doctors had allowed it the first time, I would let myself have a teaspoon of maple syrup or honey, and I didn't do that this time.  And while I have had some sugar (birthday, a chocolate covered cherry from Trader Joe's, a bite of the free dessert at an Indian restaurant, the unfortunate added sugar in the almond butter - read the labels! ugh), it's been minimal.  I don't miss it.  The only thing I really ever want is a mocha.

I was thinking that I'll eat it if it's there (not presently, but in general.)  It's not always that I want it, but perhaps that I'm hungry, and it's available and/or convenient.  Even a cake from scratch seems simpler to make than something more nutritious...so, I'm eating it because I didn't want to take the time to cook, or deal with the messy kitchen (someone always leaves a mess in the kitchen, and depending on the level of it, I don't always want to clean up before I can even start to cook. It's just part of living with other, autonomous adults, I can't really make them clean up after themselves.  It's not my place to be the authoritarian.  I've come to peace with this, and I'm happier in general, but I still don't want to cook in a dirty kitchen.)

I've also been asking myself, if dessert should not be an every day thing, what do I feel I need to constantly give myself a "reward" for?  And if I need it that much, what should I change about my life so that I don't constantly have that need?  What's missing that I'm trying to fill?

Trying to answer those things, and also, reading this book about habits, the good kind, and how you have to know yourself well, and what your tendencies are.  I'm stuck there.  There are four (Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, and Rebel) and I can kinda' see myself in all of them, though I definitely have a rebellious streak, don't like telling myself what to do, much less having someone else tell me...this is a problem.  (According to the book, knowing this helps to determine why you do what you do, and what you need to do the things you say you want to do, but aren't.)

And from the email I just received (I hadn't received any until today), apparently, I'm behind in the Shakespeare class.  I will catch up, but see above.  One of the things I'm working on: procrastination.

We've been under this river of cloud all morning.  Forecast is for 2 inches of rain...seems to be our new norm: all or nothing.

Wednesday

Monday.  This will be a lot of work.  We need to read "Richard III" and choose a monologue by next week. And I need to find a copy of "The Complete Works."  Been looking through monologues online; don't know why I didn't do this before, it is easier to find something I like and then read the play rather than the other way around.  I am really liking the monologues from "Richard III" though.

We mostly read and discussed meaning in sonnets last night, and talked about monologues.  Not sure why I was so tired when I got home, but I fell asleep as soon as I got there.

Debating if I can handle the film class on top of this one.  It'll be a lot of homework, and time.  But at any rate, I still haven't heard back if I have an audition for it or not, nor what that entails.  I did send my application to the right address, though; I checked.

I do love learning, having my world open wider.

Tuesday.  Found a used copy of "The Complete Works," by William Shakespeare, chose the smaller, non-annotated version, less to be distracted by, and slightly easier to lug around for the next three months.  It's still quite the beast!  My planned date with the vile Richard went south as soon as I got home and proceeded to watch YouTube videos about sociopaths...which thankfully morphed into talks on Buddhism, so  the nightmares were kept at bay, though I did wake up at one point and wonder if I knew any non-sociopaths; and "of course I do," would be the answer. And you know, apologies all around, just not good to think about these things late at night.  I think the way it'll get read will be to go somewhere other than home to read it.  Fewer distractions.

Just got reminded of my needing to respond to working any of the catering gigs, and reminded myself that I need to sign up for some museum gigs, because I had said I would.  Time gets away, and the off-schedule (off of the normal routine of things) of the holidays really threw me off, in a good way.  Working at a theatre thing this weekend.

Five + days off of sugar (and alcohol.)  Find I have to keep aware to not accidentally fall into old patterns and unthinkingly buy a mocha or something.  Plus it's season of the post-holiday parade of snacks that people want out of their homes coming into the office.

Will have to take a temporary break from the newly re-acquainted errant knight to focus on Shakespeare.  (Interesting that the two most influential writers to modern western literature died on the same day, and 400 years ago.  It's all there.)

Monday and it is not snowing here

Sunday.  Guess I should at least get up and go get coffee.  I need to go pay a bill, and am trying to decide where to do that.  The Weather Underground lists a snow alert between 3:15-4:15 pm today.  Rain in nine minutes.  (Actually, it started snowing around 1 pm, didn't stick.) Walked halfway around the lake, caught a bus Downtown to pay a bill, caught same bus back to original stop and resumed walking.  Promptly (and inexplicably) slipped on an icy sidewalk.  It had been above freezing all day, and there was no ice around it (and it was not visible in any way.)  Woman in front of me slipped as well, but I didn't actually see it.  She mentioned it after I slipped.

 I went out for a walk just before 9 am yesterday, and returned home from it as the sun was setting.  Took a detour to the zoo.  It was sunny and cold, so just not overly motivated to be cold again.
Also, have been inspired to begin "Don Quixote" at last, and have started it.  I like it, but I get all emotional about the idea, something about Spain, I guess.  The first time I went to Spain, it was the 400th anniversary of "Don Quixote," and there were public readings of it all over the place - billboards, tv, etc.  (Still reading Shakespeare, a variety of other books, finishing "David Copperfield," and writing.)  Pretty much all I did over the break was walk, and a little bit of cooking.  Never did sort through anything.  I find I have an amazing ability to do absolutely nothing at all.

And one new thing is Shakespeare; finally taking a class.  (And I'm day 4, no sugar - also, no alcohol, but not much temptation there.  I might drop wheat and dairy after my birthday.  I bought cheese on New Year's Eve, and I need to finish it.)  And still waiting to see if my application was received for the film class, always possible I sent it to the wrong address.

I'm out of practice.  I need a monologue.  Hit the ground running.

A New Start

First picture of the year, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

A new year dawns clear and sunny (and freezing.)  I looked at the clock and thought, "Well, I can go for a walk before the Farmer's Market."  Walking toward the lake some bit later, it did dawn on me that it's actually Friday and not Saturday; and then felt the double joy of not having to be anywhere in particular, and of the first day of a long weekend.

The water was a clear, glossy mirror.  The warm light of the rising sun, cast an orange glow.  The ground was covered in a hard frost, long shadows laid out before me: trees, buildings, people, me.  Ice formed in patches along the shoreline, and someone had tossed yellow mums across, petals strewn.

Someone left flowers, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

I started walking, I looked up and the air was full of swirling gulls, large-winged bird among them: a Bald Eagle.  The happily waddling Mallards made a dash to the water, and an explosion of ducks ran for cover.  The eagle landed in a tall tree and sat there, observing the houses opposite the lake.  Two crows cawed from nearby trees, too cold to make more of an effort.  Further on, N. Shovelers in a tight group, circle, beaks in the water, dredging up food.  The sun brings a little warmth, but my fingers are freezing, even with two pairs of gloves.

I gave up alcohol and sugar for the month, starting today.  I'm staring down this box of chocolate someone in my office gave me for Christmas, I don't think I actually really like the ones that are left.  Had been happy to find they included lemon/dark chocolate ones (and I've already eaten those), probably my all-time favorite (along with salted chocolate), it's an odd choice, and they had no idea I liked it.  I should probably get it further away from me.  Some things are habit.

Had meant to go through the boxes again last night, but didn't.  Didn't really do anything.  I heard the fireworks go off at midnight, so, at least I was awake.  I have washed everything that was cloth.  There is a lingering smell of mildew on everything else, which sorta' sealed the deal for me to recycle it...the smell did wash out of the clothes, but I'm still giving them away.  I was waiting for the recycling bin to get emptied, but lost steam.

Turned in an application for one of the things, called about another, but at the moment, everything is in limbo.  I'm okay with that.  They are not the only choices.  Everything feels wide open...it's the sun and the long weekend.

The rising sun, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

Happy New Year!