The fog billowed in like smoke, temporarily obscuring the sky. The air smelled like bbq. So much traffic, dodging cars just to get to the bus stop. The bartender introduced himself last night as I closed my dinner tab, I'm not quite a regular, but maybe I'm becoming one. Sitting in the cafe to read and write, the latter not quite going as I'd hoped. Practice.
Long walk at lunch, to check out the wildlife. The osprey have returned, nesting on the designated platform created for them. Circling and chirping over the water. As I look toward the nest a heron flies low over my head to land in the near pond. Possible sighting of a cinnamon teal a little further on, but too far to be certain.
Late in the day, I feel an absence and realize I've lost a necklace I just bought from a friend. I loved the necklace. I check lost and found after work, and then re-trace my entire walk from earlier in the day, backward. It gets a second walk in. The air is pleasant, the sun is shining, if dropping lower in the horizon. Back in the Fill, an eagle chases an opsrey, but the latter is more agile in flight, and it banks and gains more and more distance. Some crows join in and chase off the eagle. A woodpecker knocks on a nearby tree.
I don't find the necklace. Slightly sad about it, but maybe it wasn't meant to be mine, and I hope it found a new home. Money is only an exchange of energy, not a guarantee of ownership. I got a week of enjoyment from it, and a good walk and wildlife sighting. This morning when I was telling a co-worker about it, my story was interrupted by a rabbit leaping down from a planter and coming to look at us through the glass door, and then hopping away again. I guess we're trading sightings now: I usually go out to look for it.
Needed a dress. Went to Goodwill. Tried on a bunch, then as I was about to pay for one, found the rack of the nicer dresses, and then found one of those that fit...trade a necklace for a rabbit and a dress? I guess so.
Friday, April 20, 2018
Monday, April 16, 2018
Ridiculous occupation of my thoughts
Woke up wanting to implement change. Witnessing other people go through seismic changes, and realizing that I don't/can't stay the same forever, so what can I change now?
Other than that, the world could be crashing in on itself (people are needlessly dying, suffering, losing shelter, war, injustice, job loss, weather cycles messed up, etc), and I am completely consumed by thoughts of wanting lasagna. Hit me at 5 pm yesterday, and occupying about 99% of me now. I kid you not. (And it's not like it's a comfort food for me, or something I've eaten all that much. And I ate pasta last night, but that didn't relieve the craving. And I can't make it tonight, I have rehearsal. Ugh.)
Other than that, the world could be crashing in on itself (people are needlessly dying, suffering, losing shelter, war, injustice, job loss, weather cycles messed up, etc), and I am completely consumed by thoughts of wanting lasagna. Hit me at 5 pm yesterday, and occupying about 99% of me now. I kid you not. (And it's not like it's a comfort food for me, or something I've eaten all that much. And I ate pasta last night, but that didn't relieve the craving. And I can't make it tonight, I have rehearsal. Ugh.)
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Thursday
Every morning I awaken to the sound of bird song, usually a robin is the loudest. Does this happen everywhere? Makes for a pleasant alarm.
Today's rain drips thick and heavy, pooling like mercury, until the leaf flicks, and it suddenly drops down to soil.
I shake the thought that today is Friday. It's not, been off all week.
I joined a protest, then joined a march, on one of the days where the sun shone. For my lunch break. Walking back to work, I saw the snow goose swimming in a fountain with the Canada geese. When I returned later to take a photo, all the birds had flown away.
I went back to look again today, but found a small flock of ring-necked ducks in place of all the geese. Nearby, the herons have returned to nest in the rookery for the season, and I came across my no-longer-mini rabbit for the third time this week, eating grass at the edge of a field. Now that the crowds have receded, I guess it's safe to come out during the day again.
An old email system is being deleted, so I decided to look through it, see if I needed to save anything. I was reminded that I had worked with a lot of amazing and compassionate people. I wouldn't go back there, but it's good to remember.
Perhaps my eyes need to be more wide, more open, more seeing of what is there, and not always what I wish I saw. That maybe we got lost here somehow, that it was really only catching up, a way to remember who we once were, and no longer are. (And I wouldn't go back. Life changes you, that's okay. Who we've become really is enough.)
Oh, and that's an early call tomorrow. Guess I'll be catching a cab.
Today's rain drips thick and heavy, pooling like mercury, until the leaf flicks, and it suddenly drops down to soil.
I shake the thought that today is Friday. It's not, been off all week.
I joined a protest, then joined a march, on one of the days where the sun shone. For my lunch break. Walking back to work, I saw the snow goose swimming in a fountain with the Canada geese. When I returned later to take a photo, all the birds had flown away.
I went back to look again today, but found a small flock of ring-necked ducks in place of all the geese. Nearby, the herons have returned to nest in the rookery for the season, and I came across my no-longer-mini rabbit for the third time this week, eating grass at the edge of a field. Now that the crowds have receded, I guess it's safe to come out during the day again.
An old email system is being deleted, so I decided to look through it, see if I needed to save anything. I was reminded that I had worked with a lot of amazing and compassionate people. I wouldn't go back there, but it's good to remember.
Perhaps my eyes need to be more wide, more open, more seeing of what is there, and not always what I wish I saw. That maybe we got lost here somehow, that it was really only catching up, a way to remember who we once were, and no longer are. (And I wouldn't go back. Life changes you, that's okay. Who we've become really is enough.)
Oh, and that's an early call tomorrow. Guess I'll be catching a cab.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Tired
I'm trying to finish a book: Patti Smith's "M Train." I'm enjoying it, but slow about it: I think it must be past due by now. It's a series of essays, related to one another, not necessarily linear, though, they could be.
Catching up on things, but there always seems to be more. Have an acting thing at the end of the week that I'm looking forward to. Hope to do it justice. And more garden stuff to catch up on. It's a lot of work, and I'm still tired. The first phase of a work project got completed today, and someone else contacted me about a story project, so that might happen. Several people I'm quite fond of at work are leaving soon, and we have a vote for the future of a central part of my life coming up. Emotionally I'm drained, wavering between ache (which has been off and on for months) and defiance (why do I care? Still I find I do.) Every day I have plans for my evenings, since there is extended light now, and every evening I just end up sleeping instead.
These are basically two pictures of the same thing, but the light was glorious.
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| The Quad, April 10/L Herlevi, 2018 |
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| The light in springtime, April 10/L Herlevi, 2018 |
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Oh
Used.
(I don't know if that was his intention. It's how I feel, regardless. The source of the rage.)
I give it a name, and it curls up and goes back to sleep. (Though it doesn't clear the air.)
(I don't know if that was his intention. It's how I feel, regardless. The source of the rage.)
I give it a name, and it curls up and goes back to sleep. (Though it doesn't clear the air.)
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Still
Rage. It's the emotion that causes women (typically) to be accused of being "psycho" by men (typically.) Often the result of the former feeling: used, disregarded, unheard, unconsidered, ignored, etc. by the latter. Whether that be deemed rational or not. And it's easier to dismiss someone as psycho rather than dealing with what they need, that it might not all be on their irrationality. That there might be a point, something unaddressed underneath it all. That they feel invisible.
I can't even explain in any rational way why. No one thing would warrant it in someone else's eyes. It's, I suppose, not from what was said or done, but rather perhaps, what was not. The not even on the radar consideration of how I feel. That it's likely not going to be about me, or us, even if that had gotten better in recent weeks. And again, not that that has to be there, but why have I stayed? I was sure that I loved him. Wanted to tell him. Relationships default to who wants the least. What makes me think that would change? It's working for one of us. (Hence no reason to see a need or want the change.)
It's disempowerment.
So, there's that.
Tried to go to a Buster Keaton film tonight, but when I got there the door was locked. The bus was late, but only by a couple of minutes, perhaps they cancelled it. Walked back home for the exercise.
We have another ant infestation, can't figure out where they are coming from or where they are going, but they are crawling all over the silverware. That'll be the rest of my night. The other part was taxes, but those went fast.
I can't even explain in any rational way why. No one thing would warrant it in someone else's eyes. It's, I suppose, not from what was said or done, but rather perhaps, what was not. The not even on the radar consideration of how I feel. That it's likely not going to be about me, or us, even if that had gotten better in recent weeks. And again, not that that has to be there, but why have I stayed? I was sure that I loved him. Wanted to tell him. Relationships default to who wants the least. What makes me think that would change? It's working for one of us. (Hence no reason to see a need or want the change.)
It's disempowerment.
So, there's that.
Tried to go to a Buster Keaton film tonight, but when I got there the door was locked. The bus was late, but only by a couple of minutes, perhaps they cancelled it. Walked back home for the exercise.
We have another ant infestation, can't figure out where they are coming from or where they are going, but they are crawling all over the silverware. That'll be the rest of my night. The other part was taxes, but those went fast.
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
After doing something
(My spell-check is in Spanish-that's not entirely on purpose-so everything is currently "misspelled".)
Had to go shovel manure after work. We received a truckload for the garden last week, this was the first free time I've had, and it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so today seemed like as good a time as any. My arm felt good enough to be able to both use a shovel to lift, and to move a wheel barrow; past few years it hasn't, so that's a plus. Did some weeding for good measure, and turned some soil. When I got home later, I saw that everyone is supposed to have begun working the plots as of April 1. I should send out a reminder. I finally have time to read my manual. Someone complimented the meeting I ran.
Walk over to get a burrito, and visited the neighbor's chickens on the way back. I like listening to chickens "talk", I find it really peaceful. Went back to pick up my weeding to carry home, walked to bus stop, only to get there right as the bus was speeding past. My feet didn't hurt too bad, so I walked home.
It was near sunset, the sky a pale gray with a dull peach along the horizon. Silent. Cherry trees blazing white in the dimming light. Flowers bursting out everywhere: winter will be over. The scent of vegetation. In the silence, the buzz of a bee circling me is like a distant engine: loud and unexpected, and then just as suddenly it's gone.
I was calmer by the time I got home. Still, I told him, via text, it upset me, the impersonal nature, the indifference to seeing me after two weeks. Maybe not diplomatically. Been the same cycle for months. I'm tired of being his yo-yo. He wants a relationship, he disappears. He doesn't want a relationship. He does, sorta', he disappears.
It's not the end of the world. I like myself. Whatever happens, I'll live.
Had to go shovel manure after work. We received a truckload for the garden last week, this was the first free time I've had, and it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so today seemed like as good a time as any. My arm felt good enough to be able to both use a shovel to lift, and to move a wheel barrow; past few years it hasn't, so that's a plus. Did some weeding for good measure, and turned some soil. When I got home later, I saw that everyone is supposed to have begun working the plots as of April 1. I should send out a reminder. I finally have time to read my manual. Someone complimented the meeting I ran.
Walk over to get a burrito, and visited the neighbor's chickens on the way back. I like listening to chickens "talk", I find it really peaceful. Went back to pick up my weeding to carry home, walked to bus stop, only to get there right as the bus was speeding past. My feet didn't hurt too bad, so I walked home.
It was near sunset, the sky a pale gray with a dull peach along the horizon. Silent. Cherry trees blazing white in the dimming light. Flowers bursting out everywhere: winter will be over. The scent of vegetation. In the silence, the buzz of a bee circling me is like a distant engine: loud and unexpected, and then just as suddenly it's gone.
I was calmer by the time I got home. Still, I told him, via text, it upset me, the impersonal nature, the indifference to seeing me after two weeks. Maybe not diplomatically. Been the same cycle for months. I'm tired of being his yo-yo. He wants a relationship, he disappears. He doesn't want a relationship. He does, sorta', he disappears.
It's not the end of the world. I like myself. Whatever happens, I'll live.
Still tired
Oh, I'm feeling even more aggressive. Would help to have somewhere useful to direct it, rather than wanting to rip someone's head off (and my job is working with the public, so it would be good if I didn't give into the impulse.) I can't focus, and then after saying I was exhausted, couldn't really sleep last night. That'll get better, I think. Finally took some magnesium this morning, and hoped I would wake up in time for work (turned on my phone to set an alarm, but it took so long to boot up, that I fell asleep in the meantime, but I did get to work on time.)
At one point I was asking for guidance and then later checked email (since I was already awake) and found I had received this email around 4 am which talked about what story you are telling yourself. (The questions are: "Am I absolutely certain this story is true?" "How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?" and "What's one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?" It's from Marc and Angel's "Getting Back to Happy" blog.) I don't really understand the third question, but in general, the questions help with all-or-nothing cycles of thinking.
Not only this, but a big part is feeling that one of us is more invested than the other. One out of love, one apparently, as a business contract (and if only the latter, not a particularly fair one. But at least I know what would be now. Either way, I allowed myself to be used because I wanted/loved him, and he needed something from me, and so I'm mad at myself, too.) I'm only responsible for what I want to do with that; for owning my expectations and disappointments. For communicating better, at least from my end, whether or not they choose to listen. For knowing what I want, and saying it. For stop trying to prove my worth: people value you or they don't; you matter to them, or you don't. It's all a choice, what or whom you choose to care or focus on; what or whom you love. I'm not sure you can change that (how someone else values you) without selling your soul.
And sadly, none of this makes me any less pissed off. (The impersonal nature of the communication since he's gotten back...among other things.) I wish I were. (I also wish I could remember how this feels when I need it for acting, but I don't. When it goes away, it will be gone.)
(And on a completely unrelated note, but one that relieves anxiety, just paid off a third bill that's been hanging over my head for a while.)
At one point I was asking for guidance and then later checked email (since I was already awake) and found I had received this email around 4 am which talked about what story you are telling yourself. (The questions are: "Am I absolutely certain this story is true?" "How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?" and "What's one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?" It's from Marc and Angel's "Getting Back to Happy" blog.) I don't really understand the third question, but in general, the questions help with all-or-nothing cycles of thinking.
Not only this, but a big part is feeling that one of us is more invested than the other. One out of love, one apparently, as a business contract (and if only the latter, not a particularly fair one. But at least I know what would be now. Either way, I allowed myself to be used because I wanted/loved him, and he needed something from me, and so I'm mad at myself, too.) I'm only responsible for what I want to do with that; for owning my expectations and disappointments. For communicating better, at least from my end, whether or not they choose to listen. For knowing what I want, and saying it. For stop trying to prove my worth: people value you or they don't; you matter to them, or you don't. It's all a choice, what or whom you choose to care or focus on; what or whom you love. I'm not sure you can change that (how someone else values you) without selling your soul.
And sadly, none of this makes me any less pissed off. (The impersonal nature of the communication since he's gotten back...among other things.) I wish I were. (I also wish I could remember how this feels when I need it for acting, but I don't. When it goes away, it will be gone.)
(And on a completely unrelated note, but one that relieves anxiety, just paid off a third bill that's been hanging over my head for a while.)
Monday, April 2, 2018
Back home
One last morning with the wide open view to the west: moon set, clear sky, snow-capped mountain range. Glorious.
Saturday was a perfect "summer" day, though it cooled off quite fast. Tried to sit outside to read, but kept getting too hot. Sunday brought thunder storms, and three separate bouts of hail. Every time I thought I could make a run for it to take my stuff back home, another bout hit. Finally just went anyway, and hit a lull in the weather. It needed to get done.
Still have more to carry home. I've had three brief stints at home over the past couple of weeks. It's a mess, and I have stuff I need to catch up on. The dog seemed to know I was leaving this morning. The cat has resorted to licking throw pillow (kinda' mindlessly) until I pulled them away to get him to stop. One of them is kicking cat litter around. (I've cleaned up everything but that, it's just the litter, not any pet waste. Only so much time.)
I feel like I've been working the equivalent of three jobs for the past couple of weeks: my regular job, the house/pet sitting, and a combo of the two choir commitments/garden leadership, and maybe getting four hours sleep a night. I'm exhausted. Wiped out. Burned out.
I was super frazzled yesterday morning (translate to blunt and tart), a friend caught that and came and talked to me for a while (mostly just to see that I was okay.) When I got back to the house, I called my parents, and then had a message from someone else wishing me a "Happy Easter" which was nice, since they don't share my beliefs. And by that point was super emotional, and burst out crying. (Like at Thanksgiving, only no memory or thought tied to it. Emotional release, I guess. Couldn't pin it to any one thing.)
I'm not thinking straight. I probably just need to get some sleep.
Saturday was a perfect "summer" day, though it cooled off quite fast. Tried to sit outside to read, but kept getting too hot. Sunday brought thunder storms, and three separate bouts of hail. Every time I thought I could make a run for it to take my stuff back home, another bout hit. Finally just went anyway, and hit a lull in the weather. It needed to get done.
Still have more to carry home. I've had three brief stints at home over the past couple of weeks. It's a mess, and I have stuff I need to catch up on. The dog seemed to know I was leaving this morning. The cat has resorted to licking throw pillow (kinda' mindlessly) until I pulled them away to get him to stop. One of them is kicking cat litter around. (I've cleaned up everything but that, it's just the litter, not any pet waste. Only so much time.)
I feel like I've been working the equivalent of three jobs for the past couple of weeks: my regular job, the house/pet sitting, and a combo of the two choir commitments/garden leadership, and maybe getting four hours sleep a night. I'm exhausted. Wiped out. Burned out.
I was super frazzled yesterday morning (translate to blunt and tart), a friend caught that and came and talked to me for a while (mostly just to see that I was okay.) When I got back to the house, I called my parents, and then had a message from someone else wishing me a "Happy Easter" which was nice, since they don't share my beliefs. And by that point was super emotional, and burst out crying. (Like at Thanksgiving, only no memory or thought tied to it. Emotional release, I guess. Couldn't pin it to any one thing.)
I'm not thinking straight. I probably just need to get some sleep.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Easter
Happy Easter!
Where I was last Easter.
Where I was last Easter.
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| Santibanez de Valdeiglesias to Astorga, April 16/L Herlevi 2017 |
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