Tired

I'm trying to finish a book: Patti Smith's "M Train."  I'm enjoying it, but slow about it: I think it must be past due by now.  It's a series of essays, related to one another, not necessarily linear, though, they could be.

Catching up on things, but there always seems to be more.  Have an acting thing at the end of the week that I'm looking forward to.  Hope to do it justice.  And more garden stuff to catch up on.  It's a lot of work, and I'm still tired.  The first phase of a work project got completed today, and someone else contacted me about a story project, so that might happen.  Several people I'm quite fond of at work are leaving soon, and we have a vote for the future of a central part of my life coming up.  Emotionally I'm drained, wavering between ache (which has been off and on for months) and defiance (why do I care? Still I find I do.)  Every day I have plans for my evenings, since there is extended light now, and every evening I just end up sleeping instead. 

These are basically two pictures of the same thing, but the light was glorious.

The Quad, April 10/L Herlevi, 2018

The light in springtime, April 10/L Herlevi, 2018

What I want most of all right now is to sleep.

Friday night, an act of habit in trying to find something to say

Went to one of the free shows tonight, ate dinner with friends there. It was warm, the falling light was a warm pinkish glow, the music was good, and there was a big, happy mass of humanity. Later there was an art show projected onto the fountain, but it wasn't quite dark enough for it when we were leaving. It'll play one more time. (It reminds me of when I was a kid and we'd go camping in the North Cascades and drive to Newhalem at dusk to walk the trails and look at the "colorful waterfalls," as we called them. They had pointed colored lights on the trails and the waterfalls. I still stop there if I'm in the vicinity. It's where the North Cascade Highway closes for the winter; on the west side.) I like how many people play in the fountain, getting soaked or just sit around on the edge and watch it, while music plays. They were letting the water blast out like a cannon in random sequence. It all makes me happy. Summers are why people live here. (January and February are gloomy, dark and rough, unless you ski and there's snow.)

Right now I'm finding it easier to connect without words, but need to integrate all this movement and clown stuff with someone else's words and directions and make it real for me. It'll be easier off book. Maybe it would help if I figured out what the story arc is without the words. I don't think we will work our scene tomorrow, but I should be ready anyway.  We need to run it more, we have more blocking than most of the other scenes.

Meeting with a bunch of clowns on Sunday, but not sure what we are doing. We want to try to keep the momentum going. Something was definitely starting to happen, and you have to keep working, practicing. I've fallen off a lot of the Movement stuff, there are a few things I do most of the time, but I'm not practicing much of the balancing exercises anymore. I make excuses because I'm tired or my hand hurts, but those were true before and I practiced then anyway. I've fallen off almost all of  the voice stuff, mostly because the ENT doc told me not to do anything. I'll try to remember this fall, or take the class again. I'm slightly braver.

Watching doors shut, slightly demoralized, but they weren't the right ones. They need to shut. In the book Art and Fear they comment on the idea that if you chase two rabbits, you catch neither. I don't even want to chase rabbits. I can't endlessly keep my options open, at some point I have to decide and act on that. Let it fail if it will, but if you never enter the battle, you might always be safe, but you never get to know what it is to win outright. I need to let myself win, or go down fightin'.

cheat, cheat, cheat

And today is another day.  Consumed both sugar (a tall mocha and a pistachio-butter sandwich cookie) and alcohol (Sam Adams Choc Bock, from which I felt no alcohol, at a birthday party) on Saturday, and some sorta' hazelnut-chocolate spread with agave nectar in it yesterday...quite a bit of that actually.  None today, just the unsweetened chocolate, which has about 1/4 of it left. I was tempted by a cookie, but resisted.  Made my own broth yesterday so I could follow a recipe for Avgolemeno soup.  It was probably the way it should be, but I feel like it needs some more low notes, perhaps toasting the rice first.  I've actually never had it before, but it seemed like a good idea for flu season.  I also bought a bottle of pineapple-coconut water in the event of flu, but I drank it immediately...at least I still have the soda crackers.  My stomache is inexpicably killing me now, I didn't eat anything different than yesterday, and last night I was fine.  We have to finish watching a movie in Finnish class tomorrow and I have a physical theatre class I'm looking forward to on Saturday, so I am trying to stay well with my elderberry tincture/cough drops, green tea, chicken broth and lemon soup, lots of sleep and a container of thymol disinfectant wipes that I carry around work and wipe off door-knobs with...now if only the man sitting behind me on the bus hadn't sneezed directly on my head...sigh.

And the sun almost broke through the clouds, enough for the late afternoon light to make the brick glow across the way.  The clouds have thickened again, still no real flurries, only the slightest chance, but as you know, I'll take what I can get. I thought I saw a snow flake clump earlier, but it was probably wishful thinking, or an errant seagull feather.  It is the case often enough, that when there is enough  moisture, it's too warm, or when it's cold enough, it's too dry for snow.