Friday

Spending my time walking through other people's days.  Took the day off because I thought I would get the shot in my hand, but the doc decided against it for now.  Removed all trace of me from the schedule so I wouldn't get charged for the visit.  This man is so kind he makes me cry.  There are people who go into medical professions to really hear the people they serve, and to partner with them in their well-being, as opposed to bully or paternalize:  he's one of the former.  (My first RA doctor was a bully, for the record, and as I wasn't allowed a different doctor at that particular hospital, I switched hospital systems.  Maybe it was "tough love," but I've never found that to work for me.  Getting bad news already leaves you shell-shocked, your life not being what you thought it would, and you have to gather yourself and reimagine yourself and your future and the implications...that's hard enough without being bullied to make decisions you aren't ready to make.  Sure they have to do their job, but I'm still a human being, an individual, not something to check off a list.  Not a metric.)

Anyway, was going to try to make a matinee of "Ran" but ended up going to the "First Folio" exhibit at the library instead because it was relatively quiet.  Ran into a classmate on the elevator, thumbed through a local portrait book of artists/writers/art supporters, wrote letters, ran into another friend at the bus stop, and by the time I got home, most of the day had passed: I have to be at singing rehearsal in a couple of hours.  It's Good Friday, a heavy singing committment, as is Easter.  We are still doing the long song I really don't like (and I guess that seems to be a theme for others), just have to find the meditation in it, I believe that's why we sing it.  Try to stay present and not let my mind wander all over (it's just very long and monotonous.)  As a consolation, I love two of the other songs we sing, so I guess they are the reward for getting through this one.

Thought I heard a swallow singing in a foyer yesterday afternoon.  When I went to look, it flew.  The voice was familiar, a long cadence echoing against the stone, though no clicking (which they do.)  Another sign of changing seasons.  Also, billowing towers of insects illuminated in the light of the setting sun: that's recent as well.  (And some mosquito-like insects are currently plastered against my window.  They can't come in.)

And came home to personal mail (for Easter from my parents, and a congrats on working on the film from my sister.)  And finally met my new housemate, he lives across the hall from me, and though he's been here almost a month, I hadn't actually run into him.  We keep different hours.

It is so quiet now.

Must remember to put my dress on properly this year (no more sideways, though, I'm not sure I could figure out how to do that again if I tried.)  A couple of random pictures (perfecting my "bigfoot" walk here.)

We were young

Last evening on the Quad, March 24/L Herlevi 2016

Last day of vacation

Start and restart.  I have a handful of drafts, things I started to write and then decided not to publish.  Things to add to later, or not.

Went for a long walk in the morning.  Intention was to later both go garden, and empty boxes.  All week.  Haven't done either.  Listening to the radio and making soup.  Enjoying the intention of nothingness.  Been thinking about seeing a show almost every night this week, but decided against structuring my time.  Enough of that coming up, and the vacation was because I was feeling such a pull (almost being repelled) away from that.  I do need to get to the garden though: a rose bush needs to be pruned back from the path, among other things. (And I could use more vegetables, going through a lot.)  It's funny how when you limit your options your cravings adjust to fill the void.  I'm eating a lot of almond butter (eating it with quinoa, bananas, and almond milk for breakfast), something I almost never eat.  My mom gave me a jar at Christmas, and I just opened it.  (It's still good.)

I don't miss the coffee so much this week, I've been drinking Mate, but not everyday, nor the sugar anymore.  I do miss being able to go out to eat, I really enjoy that.  Options are limited.  Next week will be tougher, as I'll be back at work, and I can't just cook something when I get hungry.  But I feel pretty good, starting to balance out my energy better.  As for everything else, I'm not gonna worry about any of it today.  Things will happen as they happen.  Keep making connections and putting out feelers.  But not this week.  Things are about to get crazy again.

Summer's over.

Looking up at trees, Sept 5/L Herlevi 2014

Season's over, Sept 5/L Herlevi 2014

Later.  I was wondering what had become of the end of a tromboncino squash plant I have growing, it seemed to have disappeared into the verge.  When I walked over to the compost and looked back, I noticed it had reemerged and is now climbing up my neighbor's fence.  Will have to look into that.  Redirect its growth.  The vine is over 15 feet.  Has produced just one squash, (which someone suggested I use as a neck rest on an airplane-I ate it instead) but impressive nonetheless.

Friday and dark

4:35 pm.  Calm no longer.

One chestnut hangs on to it's golden leaves, all the others stand bare-branched against the darkening sky.  Winds blow loudly.

Later, did chair work then went to an improv show about a Salem witch trial.  They played it out for at least 80 minuntes, with a short intermission.  They were good.  I've never seen a long improv production, they stayed in the time period, stayed in character, in the language, and the dialogue only really broke once, toward the end (when they were all trying very hard not to laugh), but it almost seemed scripted at times (it wasn't.)

Saturday.  Went to show again.  Knew that it was at 2 pm early in the day, somehow by the time I stopped off to pick up some persimmons (our garden has a persimmon tree) and got near the theatre, I thought it started at 2:30, and so was consequently late.  Confused when I walked into the theatre and there were no people around.  Someone came to the door and said it had started but that they'd go ahead and seat me, so I ended up in the balcony, which worked out: the sightlines were better.  I missed the first 10 minutes, maybe.  She was dynamically different than on Wednesday, which is nice to see.  I saw the whole section I missed, and I'm happy for that; my favorite parts ended up being when she did the character on the phone call, and the fight in the car with her mother, both of which I had missed on Wednesday.  The shows was Bo-Nita, written by Elizabeth Heffron, directed by Paul Budraitis, and acted by Hannah Mootz. Seattle Rep, closes tomorrow.

I haven't gotten any more writing/thinking on the relationship yet.  I'd like to let him know before we meet again tomorrow.  Went and bought some of the things for my task after the show got out.  It's chilly out.  I keep being surprised by that even though we are half way through November.  It was dark walking home. Still not quite full moon, sending out bright halos through the clouds.  Evidence of it's presence.

Vertigo part II

Woke up early, fell back asleep and then woke up again with vertigo. Wish I knew what caused it so I could avoid it. It's either my inner ear or my upper back.

I was thinking about the emotional thing and also about the exercise we did on the first night, where we had to do the "playback" of someone else's "video" message. I found the latter really difficult to do and I was concentrating hard to remember, but still couldn't.  A couple days later I was reading class materials in a coffee shop and these two women were talking at the next table. I was there for over an hour, they were talking audibly, I was listening half-way; I was still reading, but listening was unavoidable, really. Anyway, in that half-eavesdropping, I could probably repeat the whole hour of their conversation. And in class, when I'm not actively doing the exercise, but sitting on the side of it observing it, I pick up on all sorts of subtle cues, and I emotionally react to their interactions, but can't really do it in the moment when I'm actively doing the exercise. There must be a certain detachment or distance that works, or perhaps not feeling like I'm on the spot, not feeling like I have to do it.

How does one find the detachment/focus balance in the moment when you have to connect? It's probably a little of performance anxiety of being on the spot, and worrying what other people notice, but I don't know. There's also a distance that doesn't work for me, and I imagine that varies from person to person, really in each other's space works (I think because there's a certain unsettledness of crossing a boundary that ups my sensors to what's going on with the other person) and then with a fair amount of distance it works in a different way, maybe because it allows for detachment...when I'm just outside the personal boundary, it feels like a dead zone, just don't connect there. So, that's also something to consider and try to work with.

Guess I should get up and walk around and see where the vertigo hits. It usually only hits when I turn my head, or move in certain ways. There's usually a way I can hold myself where the world isn't spinning. (It's not spinning as I sit here typing.)

Last day of vacation

Should it be through or thru?  I just can't remember anymore, I've been using them interchangeably. Oh, spell-check doesn't like the latter, must be slang. I wonder if I can talk my way out of a late fee on the bill? I've never been late before, and it just slipped my mind this week, too much going on. I'm gonna go pay it now, and return the library materials that were due yesterday. I got two emails and a phone call, the email I just read was from the Director, and was more personal. I appreciate that she took the time to write them (individually, to us).  Made me cry, it was sweet. I cried in the audition too...not inappropriately, it was this content-less, scene-partner work. The set-up, given circumstances, were pretty intense; my partner's openness broke my heart.

Almost 2 pm now. Walked there in the rain, walked home as patches of blue in the sky grew by the second. Just kinda' waiting now: waiting for the shower, waiting for it to be time to leave...I think I'll go early, I think we have the room as of 5 pm. I had some thoughts about transitions in the text and I want to see if we can run the lines, see if I can actually get the shift in. I need to slow it down now, in my head, to get the transitions in. Unless someone cancelled, I think I'll have five or six people there tonight. We had one audience member there last night plus the photographer, and I got really nervous, wonder how that'll be tonight? Wonder when we get to see the pictures, or where? I should call about the late fee, the answer is always "no" if you never ask.

Friday, early

It's 5:55 am. The rain was pounding against the window earlier, I should turn on the light, trying to type in the dark. I've been feeling a little blank lately, not down, just not much to say, yet I try to keep the writing practice, both here and on paper.

Here's a poem (well, I think it's actually part of a much longer poem) by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. (I think it's from Aurora Leigh, but I can't remember.):

Earth's crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
And only [she] who sees, takes off [her] shoe;
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Now that's it's spring the whole earth has errupted in leaf, and flower and song and life.
Hyvää perjantaina! (Happy Friday.)

The rain had stopped by the time I left, and I did walk.  The cherry trees have now dropped most of their petals with help from the wind. The ground is covered in them, looking like the scene after a blow-out party or parade. The petals swirl in the eddies of the wind like pink snowflakes, pile up in drifts like dirty snow. The bricks are slippery. The party has passed.  Crap, sometimes I am an emotional moron. (And I mean that in the most affectionate way.) I suppose that really was a date. (Sometimes hard to tell when both people are vague and non-committal about the whole thing.)