Back to regular time

As opposed to vacation, when I lose track of what day it is.  Was surprised at how crowded it was Downtown when I got off the bus.  I stepped out just on the edge of a break-dancing circle, where a little kid had just been encouraged to have a go at it, all the other guys cheering him on.  Chaos, in a good way.  Made it to the Suzuki drop-in tonight.  I was the only one beside the leader, who was a sub.  It was good.  I'd forgotten a lot of it, and she went over it with me, explaining it in a way that made sense more concretely than it had before.  Helpful.  (Plus, she mentioned that she'd practiced regularly for three years to learn it, and I've only had about nine hours of instruction; her saying that made me feel less inept.)  It's only one hour.  For the first half, my energy was all over the place (because I was trying to remember everything), and by the last bit, I was more focused and centered.  It's just so much to remember (focus, center, movement, stillness, balance, space, etc...) and I was scattered.  And even though it was only an hour, and there was a lot of explanation, my legs are still shaking.  Really need to figure out how to get this in more: it's good for me, it helps me to focus, both my mind and my eyes.  And it keeps me grounded, for that hour, rooted to the earth, instead of being somewhere off in the ether.

Still having trouble with the writing, I just don't have a clue how to write it and the fear of that is keeping me from getting anything done.  I told myself earlier today that I can just free-write for an hour (or maybe it should be shorter, but I can probably write for an hour) around the idea and see if anything comes out of it; removing the pressure of perfection that's always lurking about.  Guess I'll do that now.

We're having another cold spell.  It does make sense, being winter and all, but I somehow wasn't ready for it.

Late, long week

Got an email tonight (thankfully) reminding me that I am working tomorrow night (and Friday.)  So, every night I don't have class, I'm working.  Ugh. Tonight was fun, we had to sing again, and I forgot the lyrics to a song I know pretty well, and we have to have a song and an object either Thursday or Sunday...I lost track, for the Spoon River character.  I wore a fairly constrictive skirt and then had to crawl across the floor trying to find my partner and then wrestle him off a filthy mattress (I was blindfolded.  There were obstacles.)  I only mention the latter because I'm trying to convince myself that I really need to take a shower tonight.  We all had over-the-top physical actions we had to do in order to figure out the one thing the character wants.  I have ideas for the object, but not for the song.  The song just has to get us in the door, so to speak.  Another means to prepare for the first moment, to get you on the stage.  Now I feel itchy.

It's all fun, but I feel short on time to get prepared.  And I'm always nervous before class, I like to have a lot of downtime before class starts: know that I'm not rushed, that I'm there on time.  On Sundays I usually leave 2-3 hours before class starts, otherwise, I just pace around the house.  It might be partly the introversion.  Almost finished with the book: "Quiet. The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," by Susan Cain.  It's due back, but because there are so many holds, I can't recheck it out; trying to finish it.  She talks about people needing to recharge, especially when you stretch past your normal limits, even if you love what you are doing, it can still be draining.  Makes all my need for solitude, for walking being my favorite part of my day, and for needing to be in nature make sense.  And I'm grateful to realize that I'm not the only one that needs those things.   I love singing and performing and being around people, but I really need to retreat and be alone afterwards.  (When I was in Finland, I was like a caged dog, because there was no time to be alone.  I could feel myself snap.)  And reading that a lot of other people also need that, is a sorta' reassurance and permission that I can take that for myself.

At least need to wash my feet.  Ciao.

Home

Just got home from the Meisner showcase. Somehow I thought it might run until 9 pm, but the scenes ended after 10:20 pm, and there was Q & A with the actors which I wanted to stay for, but needed to catch a bus, so ran out.  There were seven scenes, split into three groupings (3, 2, 2) the first and last were comedies, and the last one is the only one that made me cry. It's from the same play that I'm doing a scene from, almost the end. They did a great job with it, it runs hot/cold and emotionally all over the place. Sam Shepard's A Lie of the Mind really stood out for me as well.  And there was a whole lotta simmering heat overall.

Found out the Meisner interviews are on the 16th of July, and you have to have a resume. I'll need to look that up; what do you put on one when you are just starting out? Also, I was talking about the clown class (with George Lewis) to some other students and now I'm even more afraid. They were afraid to take it as well, but it's full. Someone said that they heard that if you survive it, you are afraid of nothing. (And that's a normal length course, this one is crammed into three weeks.) Yes, I'm scared. If I start to feel like I'm going to lose it, I give myself permission to quit (I never do that.) And I'm taking off the second week from work (the other class starts that week as well, that one might be intense, but it won't be scary.) I think he's the man to learn it from though, so I will.  Shit.

Anyway, this was the first night where the bus tunnel was hot, I'm usually freezing in there. The bus might have been late, but it was packed and a steam bath inside. Thankfully, someone finally decided to open some windows, they'd been fogging up and everyone was sweaty. The smell reminded me of the old busses we used to ride out to the strawberry fields when I was a kid. Summer jobs. I guess there was a baseball game earlier, which accounts for the crowd, more than usual.

My last class is this week, and then it all starts up again in two-and-a-half weeks. A short break.

Frankie and Johnny

So, our scene has fear, emotional vulnerability, tenderness and underlying sexual tension (or sexual energy), but no anger or volatility or hate in it, and therefore really hard to play as an improv...especially after watching all the explosive reactions in the previous scenes. We went last, and had a really short time. We'll have to go first next time, so we can get more feedback. (Also, people will have more energy to respond to it, it was almost 10 pm by the time we started.) I really want to learn from this process, and you have to have time to present the work. All the other scenes are essentially fights. Ours is someone trying to find love as a second chance, and someone terrified of that. We have seven more weeks to go.

Back to it

After two weeks, with maybe too much free time on my hands, back into the craziness of school and work and everything else. And between the video we have to write a script for, film, edit, etc for Finnish and the outside rehearsals for the theatre class, I'll probably be busier than I was last quarter. And that's a good thing, I need to occupy my mind. My emotions are starting to overwhelm me, and though positive in general, still, too much.  My problem being that I'm an emotional non-eater, and it doesn't matter if they are "positive" or "negative" emotions, I can't eat. That would be the only time I can't eat.  The thing is, I woke up this morning happy and at peace with unrequited love, I don't know why. I suppose I can use it as fuel for writing or character development, why not?  I guess I like the feeling of that much love toward someone, even if it's not returned. I like that my heart is open enough for it.  When I look at him, I'm overwhelmed with it.  (It would be nice to feel that for someone who actually liked me back, but, it's a start I guess.)

Just received a wild email from a friend I now realize I haven't seen in a while, somewhere off the grid, in a car, not here, and all I can do is send her good thoughts and angels for protection. And if anyone reading this is the sorta' person that prays, please pray for her protection and hope, you don't need to know her name, just ask for help for my friend. Thanks.

Time for rehearsal. I realize I sound delusional, maybe it's the lack of sleep and calories. But there it is.

New way of walking

Well, signed up for the class, want to build on what is fresh in my mind (and muscle memory.) I'll be nice to myself, and hopefully the throat will start to heal.

A dude I live with asked me out yesterday. Wasn't really sure if it was a date or not, or just housemates hanging out. For some reason, getting close to (men, romantically) someone scares the crap out of me. I don't know when that started, I wasn't this way in college. He's moving this weekend, and it could've been a friend thing, though he's been oddly protective lately. Not in a creepy kinda' way, but he walked me home last night when he coulda' gone to the bar next door to watch the end of the soccer match (which he wanted to see.) And he keeps wanting to make me tea (because of the coughing.) And while I can take care of myself, it's nice when someone else gives a damn.

Incidently, I came the closest I ever have to nailing the Estonian song this week. We didn't have any tenors at rehearsal, so we really worked parts and we worked them slowly. (I get lazy or tired at the end of the 16th-note runs and have trouble putting the last syllable on. And unlike Handel or Mozart, there are actual words attached to every running note.)

And this is pretty dorky, but I've always walked kinda' odd, not using my full foot motion. Since I took this biomechanics class, I enjoy practicing walking, moving through my entire foot is new and fun for me. I keep finding excuses to get up and walk around the office. (Though I do often hear a male voice shouting out, "feel the ground with your whole foot!" which is amusing.)