Monday

Put my sweater on backward, again.  I noticed as I was leaving the house, but wanted to get to work on time, so left anyway.  I really should put a new light-bulb in.

Worked on a video shoot last night for a performance project.  It's for illustrating the project to potential venues.  It's slow-tempo movement; it was fun.  I'd been looking forward to it all month, but was still anxious all weekend about not wearing the "right" clothing.  I could've emailed someone about it, but didn't.  In the end, what I had was fine (and I mentioned that to one of the other actors, she said she did the same thing.)  Anxiety: welcome to my head.  Anyway, I hope the project happens, and I can be a part of the actual work.  I love performing (and it's a cool project.)

My co-worker thinks I should talk to the phone-call person.  I was thinking about it yesterday, I agree.  We have to work together, it'd be weird to not acknowledge it, and less cowardly to deal with it on my part.  (Although, still have to figure out the circumstances to address it.)

And I was wrong.  On deeper thought, I know what I want.

Thursday

Venting out my frustration with shoes hurting my feet helped me to remember that in previous pairs of hiking boots, I laced them different.  So, trying that.  Feels like someone is sticking a knife in my foot, all shoes hurt now.  Hurts to be barefoot, too.  Irritated a nerve, I guess.  (Have had this problem before, though, different part of foot.)  I have time to break them in, but I want this pair to work, so that I can move on to other things.

Fingers crossed that I got into a Fringe show next month.  Tentative.  Working on a new scene, playing a 13 year-old that just found out she's pregnant.  (Loretta Lynn, "Coal Miner's Daughter.")  Had a bit of an epiphany as to her mindset when I woke up this morning.  Need to write it down before I forget.  When I read the first half of the screenplay, I'm just filled with sadness, thinking about her family, and a headstrong teenager who believes, "I know what is good for me, I know what I want, how no one else has ever felt this way before, and how I know what I'm doing.  You're old you don't understand."  Though, I wonder why her parents didn't protest more.  Her family loved her, fiercely, but didn't put up much of a barrier to her marrying Doo.  And she was wrong about what she thought she knew.  And he complains that she's not good at anything, but...yeah, man, she was basically still a child when he decided to marry her, what do you expect?

Anyway, still have a lot of work to do.   He always asks, "What is this scene about?"  And again, it's not about the obvious thing on the surface, it's not about the literal words.  What does each character want?  And how are they using the language to get it?  And why is this scene in the script, how does it serve the story?  Need to go over this more with my scene partner.  We went through it pretty fast in class.  I know where it turns, but it's not internal, yet.

Got a bunch of scripts I need to read (for monologues), plus the Fringe thing.  And yet, last night sat around and watched youtube videos about the medieval world.  Have started reading, Uta Hagen's, "A Challenge for the Actor,"  it's not the one suggested, "Respect for Acting," (which I also have), but I came across it in a used bookstore last week.  And I need to find something to wear for head shots.  And just remembered I have two singing gigs next Saturday.  Really need to keep a better calendar.

You gotta show up everyday and do the work you say you want to do.  And it's easy to make excuses not to do it.  Or think, "I'll do it later."  Later comes along, and there's always something easier to do in the moment.  What are the barriers, what are the internal conflicts that keep me from showing up?

And then, "on paper" some things don't make sense, and it should be, "move along, nothing to see here," and yet...I've stopped anyway.

Tired

I have found, lately, that writing takes more energy than I have.  Saw two shows last week linking (in my mind, anyway) ideas of memory and identity, both on an individual level, and on a cultural level.  Currently lacking the energy to write coherently on this, but there is a spark there, so I will try.

I'm exhausted.  Find I can barely stay awake for the last 1/2 hour of class, though perhaps that's in part because we spend a lot of time sitting.  Film class starts in a week, meeting with my first group before then: we've been assigned scenes/roles already, so need to do work on that.  Dreamt about auditioning, woman in dream laughed at me and said I was not "getting a call back."  The best one can do is to do all the prep work and be ready to go.  We were shaping monologues last night (though, I didn't get to mine, so I'm a little behind now...I'm gonna have to have my roommate watch/listen, she did offer, between now and Monday) and talking about being specific vs. general, and that was one of the things the casting director said to me (and when you do something, do it!) when I worked up the nerve to ask her how I could improve as opposed to walking out with my tail between my legs and giving up (in the dream.)  You know everything you need to say, and then you say and experience it as if for the first time (every time.)  Discovery in the moment.  Anyway, reading Macbeth, and need to read Hedda Gabler again (read over the weekend, plus Twelfth Night) with script analysis, before I meet with my group.  I am excited to start that.  Meeting with my scene partner tonight.  (And we got to go over it in front of the class last night, so at least that one is a little further along.)

And I should list stuff to give away, go through the boxes again...I don't want to move them again.

Always more to do

Well, I asked.  And now for all the correspondence I've been putting off (because I don't know what to say, because it intimidates me, and yet it's hanging over me like a cloud to remind me to do, etc.)

Spent the earlier part of the day raking gravel for the garden project (leveling for ADA accessibility.) Ran home and then caught a bus to St. Mark's just in time to meet up with the procession for Alice Gosti's "How to Be a Partisan."  A five-hour immersive performance, on the anniversary of Italy's liberation from fascism.

While I didn't always understand what was going on, the experience overall was phenomenal.  Very site specific: the music was written/chosen for the acoustics of the space, as well as the choreography, and the use of natural light, ending the performance as the daylight disappeared.  The music was transcendent (although, at one point was louder than any rock concert I'd ever been to.)  The soloist managed to stay in the basic same position, at the front of the space, for five hours, all while a red liquid, pooling from melting ice, slowly dyed her dress from white to red; by the last half hour of the five, it was completely transformed, and must've been uncomfortable, but you'd never know if from looking at her (Hanna Benn.)  And she had a gorgeous voice.  And the dancers performed during most of the five hours, doing lifts four hours in...humbling, they must've been exhausted.

And the performance and the audience shared the space.  The audience was free to move, to come and go, while the performers also moved in the same space (sometimes literally, as when they used the pews people were sitting in, to move through).  People talked throughout (not loud enough to be a distraction), though during the last half hour, as the lights dimmed, and an occasional tone would emanate from the organ, the dancers lit only by pen lights they held, moving methodically from aisle to aisle, until they had wound through the entire audience, you could've heard a pin drop.  (I thought I heard a radio, but when I put my ear to the door, it was the evening song of birds.)

There's another event related to this one, to get a sense of the bigger picture of where this came from, and what people experienced (and what questions emerged, what do you do now?)  (There was a pre-event as well, but I wasn't able to make that.)

There's a lot of exciting art happening in the city right now.  Get out and experience it.

Little bit of free time now

Well, the final audition for the class was today.  I don't feel like I could nail an audition tomorrow, but I do know what I need to do.  Part of it is that on the first day, he said something about forgetting all of your acting choices and finding the driving action, which I tried to do.  I think though, that the point was that I needed to put the acting choices back in on top of the a driving action once I found it, and I didn't really do that.  So, noted.  Also, while I've increased the time I've spent working on monologues and cold readings, it's not nearly enough.  I need to spend more time, make stronger choices, get it memorized early, etc... all good to know.

I really need to find somewhere to study Shakespeare, it's offered here next quarter, but I want to work on solo performance stuff, mostly because it would help with the clown show, and I re-discovered the two-person performance idea I had earlier this fall, and the solo performance class would also be helpful with that (well, that one or play writing.)  Both of those are also being offered.  And right now, I need to look at the clown piece for next Saturday...luckily, no singing gigs this week, though I do have two rehearsals, and a couple of parties.  I'll just have to start getting up earlier, and dedicate some time to it.

Yesterday was suddenly overcome with a fair amount of despair and futility, but got dressed and went to my singing gig, way out in sticks: the moon was lovely, ride over was with people who are good conversationalists, ran into an unexpected friend, someone said I could have dinner even though I hadn't registered (I didn't register because I thought we were singing before dinner, and I wanted to leave after singing, to go work on audition stuff, but we ended up singing after dinner...the people who drove me over had offered to pay for me to stay, but I had earlier turned them down), my voice sounded better to me than usual, (though I don't think that's license to abuse it by belting in a key I shouldn't on a regular basis, still kinda hurts), someone offered to let me spend Christmas with them, and another friend drove me home, way out of her way, probably an extra hour of driving for her...the kindness directed at me (in a non-threatening way) restored me.  Humbles me.  It was what I needed in a way I could accept it, at the right time.  We are answered.  (None of them did it because I was sad, they didn't know.  They did it because it's who they are.)

Sunday

We bury our meaning under a mountain of words, and then spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the truth.

In auditioning class, the fear of performing for others rears its head, though I guess we all are in the same boat to some extent.  Forced myself to do mine a second time for feedback.  Did not back out even though I wanted to, the whole point being to get better, and if you don't risk anything, nothing changes.  I'm understanding the meaning of "driving action," what is the line going through the whole monologue?  Why do you say what you say, to whom you say it to, right now?  I ended my working session early, as I've got a lot of work to do, starting with the internal stuff, and I wasn't going to hit it today, but I do have a sense now of where I'm going.  Think I need to do the classical monologue next time, it will need more work, since I've never studied Shakespeare.

Interesting coincidence in class, the man who went up before me happened to be using the monologue that my character is referring to when I speak.  I asked him about it later, if he'd gotten the part, he said that it wasn't from the audition (the one I just did), but rather that he'd found it online.  Still, what were the odds of him doing the monologue I'm responding to right before me?  Sadly, I'm not sure I let it help me much.

The instructor gave the note (to someone else) to forget all the "beats" and strong acting choices you made and just follow the driving action.  Make the audience forget that they are "watching" a show, and have them believe in the story.  Whomever the audience is, it's the first time they are hearing it, regardless of how many times you've told it: invite them in.

Much to consider.  Know what I'm after, not sure how to get there.

Guess I should watch "Hedda Gabler" now...nice light-hearted evening.

I'm cold from waiting for the bus.  It's been warm for so long, I'm in denial that there is a winter, and it lies before me.

Sunday morning

I think of acting as being the living expression of the thoughts of someone else's head (the writer.) Of being the means for the character to speak, to come alive. So in that sense, it's not about me or my ego, it's about both the ability to do the work to find the character, to know them fully, and then to let myself go enough so that the character is alive and the actor fades on stage. I'm thinking that's the end point...how to get there, well that's what all the classes and practice are for.  It's hard work.

Today's my last day off for the next week. I need to spend some time writing a history for my monologue character, but I can run errands and do chores while I practice the actual monologue, at least for a while. Moving around and doing other things sometimes helps with clarification of meaning and intent for me.

Went to a show with a college roommate last night in Ballard.  Ballard was hoppin' in spite of it being Bumbershoot http://bumbershoot.org/ and a long weekend. A really good surf band opened. She drove me home so I got home before midnight, so in theory I got enough sleep but I'm sitting here yawning about once per minute. Better get moving, time is running short.

Just shy of 6 am

It's Monday, the robin has been singing for a couple of hours now, but the traffic is increasing and it's getting harder to hear. There's a damp coolness from the rain in the air coming thru the open window. I need to buckle down and figure out how I'm gonna get all this work done this week, perhaps I need to use vacation time. The video project is a lot of work, especially since none of us have any experience, I don't have a clue how or where we do the editing. It replaces the speaking exam, but those were pretty simple and painless by comparison, walk in a room, attempt to converse for 5-10 minutes...done.

I like who I am when I'm with the other one, partially it's because the really early awkwardness is gone, and since once we were housemates (I've almost always lived in shared housing, I've had a lot of housemates), he already knows what I'm like when my guards are down, so I don't have to keep them up. I liked who I became when I was around the crush too, which might have something to do with why I imagine I like him. I'm still trying to separate all of that out, but I like him as a person as well.

Time to get on with the day. Darn, I just lost access to the bathroom.

Just tried to spray this perfume sample onto a kleenex so I could sniff it, but missed and hit my arm with a blast. It left an odd scent once I tried to wash it off, not entirely pleasant. For the past couple of days I keep having sparrows fly over to me as if they want something, or want attention. It's odd, but interesting.

Back to it

After two weeks, with maybe too much free time on my hands, back into the craziness of school and work and everything else. And between the video we have to write a script for, film, edit, etc for Finnish and the outside rehearsals for the theatre class, I'll probably be busier than I was last quarter. And that's a good thing, I need to occupy my mind. My emotions are starting to overwhelm me, and though positive in general, still, too much.  My problem being that I'm an emotional non-eater, and it doesn't matter if they are "positive" or "negative" emotions, I can't eat. That would be the only time I can't eat.  The thing is, I woke up this morning happy and at peace with unrequited love, I don't know why. I suppose I can use it as fuel for writing or character development, why not?  I guess I like the feeling of that much love toward someone, even if it's not returned. I like that my heart is open enough for it.  When I look at him, I'm overwhelmed with it.  (It would be nice to feel that for someone who actually liked me back, but, it's a start I guess.)

Just received a wild email from a friend I now realize I haven't seen in a while, somewhere off the grid, in a car, not here, and all I can do is send her good thoughts and angels for protection. And if anyone reading this is the sorta' person that prays, please pray for her protection and hope, you don't need to know her name, just ask for help for my friend. Thanks.

Time for rehearsal. I realize I sound delusional, maybe it's the lack of sleep and calories. But there it is.