Enough

The wisteria entwines the porch of the roofless house.  Blooming because that's what it does, regardless of an immanent demolition, for some sorta' mixed-use box.  The sun is out, a slight chill, but everything seems to have busted out in flower: roses, dandelions, lilac, hyacinth, tulips, dogwood, azaleas, rosemary...flowers, flowers, everywhere.

Took the day off having felt worse the longer I was up this morning.  Still have the headache.  Briefly walked out to get coffee, and to sit on a bench in the sun to write out the script dialogue for clarity, and because I need to get it down.  The director had said we didn't need it memorized by last night, and I didn't, but wish that I had: I work better if it's memorized.  So, that's my goal before we shoot the rest of it this weekend, that, and writing a backstory for the character.  Went grocery shopping, did laundry, made soup, and walked to the chiropractor and back, but still have the headache.  Decided today would be a good day to start eating turmeric.  Not bad.  Tried it raw, fingers yellow, teeth probably yellow.  Threw some in a pot of soup...everything stained yellow, though not unpleasantly so.  The woman bagging my groceries was excited that I bought it, gave me tips on using it.

Last night, instead of memorizing my script (I spent a lot of time stretching actually, had a wicked foot cramp that felt like someone had slammed the bottom of my foot with a 2x4), had a conversation with some other actors about Meisner.  One of them used the term "magic" to describe when you connect on stage (or in rehearsal.)  I'd forgotten about that, the term, not the connection (had moments of it both in the Macbeth work and in the film.)  Used to say that quite a bit up until recently.  We talked about "chair work" and how we'd fall in love with everyone.  That's not really a secret, I remember someone else mentioning it in class.  How it can feel so sudden when the work is done and they are gone (an unexpected feeling of loss), like an unexpected break-up.  But that wasn't real, the break-up, though the connection was.

And then talking to someone else about wanting depth.  Real connection, real conversations about things that matter.  Talking about what's in your heart.  Drowning in polite conversation (which absolutely has it's place in life), and starving to be known and loved as you are when everything else is stripped away.  When the image shaped so carefully on social media gets removed.  Finding when we are brave enough to be emotionally naked, we are still enough.  We were always enough.

Wednesday, sunny

It feels like magic, only it's the accumulation of doing the work that feels rote and everyday, nothing much special, and then out-of-the blue something coherent comes together.  Not what I thought I was gonna write, and could use refinement, but happy to have written something.  One week survived.  Again, the fear of "being wrong" keeping me from a bolder decision.  Saying or thinking about doing something and acting on it are different, obviously.  Still, I need to have more faith that doing the background work will get me closer to where I want to go.  Led by people who have been there before.

Took off of work, woke up with a splitting headache, I still have it, but I need to go to class.  Found a million ways to procrastinate this particular page of writing (the one for class.)  Something about it being publicly shared, everyone used such colorful language last week, mine more pedestrian, though it works for me most of the time.  Still it's intimidating, it raises the bar, even if I need to have my own voice, not trying to impress someone else with language that isn't mine.

Went for a walk to take some dvd's back to the library, the scenic route.  Sun shining blindingly in my eyes off of the water's surface.  The geese swimming, haven't seen them in a while, not on the water.  They were making grumbling noises as they floated around.  I moved closer to look at them.  They swam over to me, grumbling.  I didn't feed them.  They splashed water around for a while with their beaks, and then swam away, grumbling.  An explosion of birds hit the water all at once, splash and flutter.  Wigeons.  The boy sitting to my left pulled out his phone surreptitiously to snap a shot of the chaos, then went back to his book.  I smiled.  I woulda' done the same, but wasn't carrying one.

Almost five and still light out.  I guess it's time to go.

Cheers

It's January 1rst, 2013 and I am dry for the month.  Ate too much last night.  It was tapas, and all very good.  My favorite thing was this sliced, sour apple with honey-lemon-cream cheese and pomegranate seeds, really worked together.  Not Spanish per se, she just had a pomegranate she needed to use.  I was gonna leave earlier, but I don't like waiting for a bus there, and asked a friend to drive me home, so we stayed until 1 am.

Less than five days 'til it all starts up again.  It feels like months since I've seen everyone.  It feels like more than a week since I've been at work.  I did check email, I know I'll have to hit the ground running tomorrow, but one more day off until then.  Back to "Lord of the Rings" and black-eyed peas (for luck.)

Happy New Year!

Fennel and light/L Herlevi 2014

Saturday

They did have rush tickets so I went to We Won't Pay! We Won't Pay! by Dario Fo, a political farce. I was really tired last night and unfortunately dozed off toward the end (what else is new?) which is unfortunate, there must've been some sorta' resolution. I'll have to read a translation, probably can't get ahold of the translation for this show (it's originally Italian.) I should probably read him anyway. This is over the top, vocally, physically (Adam Standley as State Trooper et al, really stands out, fabulous-especially in the ensemble work with Tracy Michelle Hughes and Kylee Rousellot when they are trying to get his body in the closet-fantastic choreography on that), makes you laugh while driving in nails, of the absurdity and corruption in life. I had looked at the festival listings previously (this was a repertory festival, with all four shows running simultaneously throughout the summer, it closes this weekend) but hadn't had the time nor the money to go earlier. All the shows are thought-provoking: Lysistrata-Aristophnes (a play within a play set in Afghanistan); Trouble in Mind-Alice Childress (race representation in the American Theatre); Stu for Silverton - Peter Duchan/Breedlove (a musical based on the town of Silverton, Oregon, it's transgendered mayor, Stu Rasmussen and the community that stood up for him); and then We Won't Pay! We Won't Pay! (workers losing their jobs from downsizing and the factory closing and trying to live on nothing, while the price of everything increases everyday.) I might try to see if I can get another rush ticket for a show today or tomorrow.

Woke up with another wicked headache, waiting for it to subside a bit. Might be dust or something. I don't know, have had them all week. Maybe I'll clean this weekend as well. Ugh, 600 milligrams of ibuprofen, not making a dent in the headache, though it helped with the wrist pain.

We never did find the right bonfire, we wandered, shuffling across the sand from fire to fire, ending up back where we began, standing outside a building, watching the moon sink lower and lower in the sky until the light reached all the way across the bay. Leaving then, with my bag of marshmallows and chocolate. I'll have to make something with the marshmallows, I've already eaten some of the chocolate (salted almond, dark chocolate.) It was good.

Tuesday evening, reading

Listening to the radio, attempting to write updates on the other neglected blogs. Afterwork, I went to MOD Pizza and read another hundred pages of David Copperfield before returning it, past due, to the library. It was almost 90 degrees but with a pleasant breeze when I left work. I was sitting on the patio area and was visited by a wasp/hornet-type creature. It really wanted my pizza. I tossed it a piece of meat in hopes of it leaving  me alone, and eventually it began to gnaw off bits of that and fly off, to return and do it again. Kinda' interesting. I generally prefer it when they don't bite me.

The sun was a warm, low-slanted glow. A tannish dog with a long face, lay on the sidewalk, tied to a bike rack, waiting to be returned to. It's mouth open in a panting smile, the hairs on it's lower jaw a bright halo in the early evening light.  Walking home, I turned to see a man chase a car and stand in traffic, oblivious to the cars around him, and then passed block party after block party, remembering it was the block party night across the city. My neighborhood never seems to do one, but I could have gone to the one near work, I got a notice about it, but I forgot, plus I didn't have anything to bring.

I was starting to get a headache by the time I left work. I drank water and beer (not the brightest choice) and I still have the headache, but because of the beer, I'm waiting to take anything for it. I suspect I'm dehydrated.  Now, I'm much more into the book, and will have to wait. (I get lost in the writing, it helps me to stop my involuntary (completely involuntary) swooning over him, whom my brain is determined to no longer be into, but apparently my heart isn't listening. The thing is, nothing will come of it, but it's not ego-based for me, whereas with a lot of the other men I meet, not all, it's more about I like that they like me. With him, I just like him. And I like that about me. So, maybe it's all about me. Shrug.)  Maybe I'll get the book again in-between quarters. The show is the weekend after Labor Day, I also have my audition for the scholarship that week. I need to write my application and work on a monologue. They say it should be something I love, but I don't know enough to really love any. I just haven't read enough, lately. I read alot of plays when I was in my early 20's, but that was awhile ago, and I'm not sure I loved any of those anyway, plus I'm older. I guess I'll look this week. I'd rather have one ready than pull something together at the last minute. Plus the application, ahhh, how will this change my life? How will this move me forward? Yeah, need to digest that one. More script work now. It's later than I thought.

Feeling blah

It's lovely out, finally warming up. It was chilly yesterday, I wasn't wearing enough clothing, didn't feel like standing and waiting for the bus, so walked 40 blocks home. Ended up missing meeting up with a friend. Planning would be good, it's always last minute. Feeling kinda' blah, trying to get rid of headache through drinking water, see if that actually works. I tend to take too many anti-inflammatories, so trying to cut back.  I relate all too well with this character in the play my scene is from. It's interesting, glad the playwright wrote it down.  I do find myself sympathizing too much with my scene partner's character though, but his behavior really would raise red flags.  The water seems to have gotten rid of the headache, a pleasant surprise.

Sometimes, it would be useful to have a cell phone. (Advantages not out-weighing disadvantages, yet. Maybe I'll look at it again, when I get my bills paid off.) A working camera would be good, too. (And new hiking boots (since I seem to be making a list now); blew them out last night.)