Wednesday, sunny

It feels like magic, only it's the accumulation of doing the work that feels rote and everyday, nothing much special, and then out-of-the blue something coherent comes together.  Not what I thought I was gonna write, and could use refinement, but happy to have written something.  One week survived.  Again, the fear of "being wrong" keeping me from a bolder decision.  Saying or thinking about doing something and acting on it are different, obviously.  Still, I need to have more faith that doing the background work will get me closer to where I want to go.  Led by people who have been there before.

Took off of work, woke up with a splitting headache, I still have it, but I need to go to class.  Found a million ways to procrastinate this particular page of writing (the one for class.)  Something about it being publicly shared, everyone used such colorful language last week, mine more pedestrian, though it works for me most of the time.  Still it's intimidating, it raises the bar, even if I need to have my own voice, not trying to impress someone else with language that isn't mine.

Went for a walk to take some dvd's back to the library, the scenic route.  Sun shining blindingly in my eyes off of the water's surface.  The geese swimming, haven't seen them in a while, not on the water.  They were making grumbling noises as they floated around.  I moved closer to look at them.  They swam over to me, grumbling.  I didn't feed them.  They splashed water around for a while with their beaks, and then swam away, grumbling.  An explosion of birds hit the water all at once, splash and flutter.  Wigeons.  The boy sitting to my left pulled out his phone surreptitiously to snap a shot of the chaos, then went back to his book.  I smiled.  I woulda' done the same, but wasn't carrying one.

Almost five and still light out.  I guess it's time to go.

Thinking about writing

Curled up in the chairs in the common area, and in between napping, I re-read the Natalie Goldberg pages from Writing Down the Bones.  Talking about her years of journals which she allowed a friend to read.

"I've been reading your notebooks all weekend.  They are so intimate; so scared, insecure for pages, then suddenly they are not you-just raw energy and wild mind.  And now here you are - Natalie - in the flesh, just a person.  It feels so Funny."  I feel good because I don't care that she sees how I really am.  I'm glad.  I want someone to know me.  We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us...We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say.  It is true that when we begin anything new, resistances fly in our face.  Now you have the opportunity to not run or be tossed away, but to look at them black and white on paper and see what their silly voices say...If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - Artistic Stability from Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg.

It's a strange feeling to know that anybody at all reads this.  Sometimes I get self-conscious, worry about being judged, worry even more when I think about censoring myself for fear of what people might think of me...and then I write anyway, whatever happens to come out of my head and through my fingers.  Sometimes it makes me cringe, but I'll leave it up anyway.  It was truth at the moment, if nothing else.  Sometimes when you sift through all the compost (as she calls it) something unexpected emerges.  Those moments are always worth it.

Uninspired

I had my windows open in the afternoon (at work) and the soft warm breezes blowing in had me itching to get outside, long before I could. Had to convince myself it was actually Tuesday and not Friday already. There's a summer vacation feeling about the world right now. Finally went outside to read in the grass after work, somewhat surprised (not sure why) by how many insects crawled over me. Continually had to flick them off. Eventually got too hot and went to find air-conditioning and tried to get some writing done. It was only in the 80's, but if you grew up here, that's pretty warm. In the place I ended up, the people in the windows kept moving into shadier areas of the room, saying it was too much sun, so it's not just me.



Frame/L Herlevi 2013

The writing was nothing exciting, but it was good to get back in the practice of it. I had a couple of story ideas that I wrote down somewhere a few months back, haven't written anything on them since. Came home to a bathroom full of ants.  Have now tried spraying the bathroom down with vinegar water (1:1). Read somewhere over the weekend that it's supposed to help, at least to kill the scent trail. Worth a try, although everything smells like vinegar now. Will go check shortly to see if it worked. Obviously, the pesticides did not.

Didn't end up submitting any photos to LongShot afterall, deadline was yesterday. I wasn't crazy about anything I had, I haven't gotten the 35 mm film developed, but when I was shooting it, nothing excited me, either. (Did come up with a couple of ideas for personal projects though, need to remember to write them down, if I haven't already.) I also got my resume reviewed by a couple of people today, so that's something. Interview is next week. (One of them did a bunch of editing on it, which is fantastic. I've never written an acting resume-nor seen one, before. I found a template online and used that.)

Legs/L Herlevi 2013

Tethered/L Herlevi 2013

These pictures are a few of the ones that I kinda' like, but didn't seem like anything to submit for a fundraiser. I'm gonna shoot a couple more rolls through the Holga to see if it's worth keeping or not. Will drop them off this weekend to get processed and scanned. I have a scanner, but I don't think I can scan negatives on it, I should check. There's a lot I need to scan. These were shot on an old point-and-shoot digital camera. (Edited and published blogs do not look the same lay-out wise.)

I had an epiphany after I got home, can't remember exactly what it was, something about being myself and to stop worrying about if he despises who I am. Not actually my problem. Something like that. It's been bothering me, and it shouldn't. It would be destructive for me to try to guess who I should be for someone to like me. Even if nobody likes me, I can't keep losing myself to be the flavor of the month. At the end of the day, I'm the one that has to live with me. (It's not really news, it's just that I've been behaving as if I didn't already know this.)

I can hear someone learning the ukelele, through the vents. I might have to take up the banjo for real, now. (Banjo is infinitely louder, but I won't play it at night.) Now off to watch Spanish cooking episodes (Made in Spain-Jose Andres) until I pass out.

Back to friends

And friendship is underrated, especially by me in recent months. Reforming now. Good to know if you actually like the person, are compatible, without all the weirdness. (That goes for all of them. Admittedly, I've never been able to go back in the other direction. Will tend to stay as friends. Though maybe I will be different this time, not let the door shut completely.  And I would like to date, I'm just driving myself crazy.) Plus, there's way too much going on right now, I haven't even cooked in about a month, and I like cooking. Just haven't been home. I buy food, and don't eat it unless I take it to work. (Oh, and one of my housemates hates me now because I told him that he couldn't just take things in the kitchen and give them to Goodwill just because he didn't use them. That he couldn't give other people's things away. And that he needed to clean up after himself because his food mess was attracting ants onto the table. I might have not been particularly nice about it. He hasn't spoken to me in a over a month. We got along before, when I was more of a doormat. Anyway, it makes it uncomfortable to be in the kitchen.) There are 8 people living here.

The video project is a lot of work. :)

Have a very, very rare free Thursday evening, think I'll go check out art, and then find somewhere to park myself and bang out all this writing I need to do.  Was supposed to meet up with a friend tonight, but he hasn't gotten back to me, and I really need to write.