Monday

My stomach is killing me.  Been hurting since Friday, keep hoping it'll get better on it's own, I'm not worried, it just hurts.  (Like someone tied a knot in my gut and then started pulling on it.)

Learned a trick for hitting high notes, and that is that instead of thinking "high" (which can pinch your throat), think about throwing the sound to the floor.  Makes a huge difference...how have I never heard this before?  Better volume, too.

We have a concert next week and then we might be done for the year, I'm pushing for a couple more rehearsals, to look at Oma Maa, see if it's feasible to sing it next fall.  I really want to sing it, but we might not have enough rehearsals to get it down.  Will free up Mondays though.

Still haven't decided if I'll take a class this spring.  Leaning heavily to the intensive in the summer, which will be most of June.  Would like to do a scene study class, too, because I haven't done scene (or much partner) work in a while.  Have a spark of an idea for another solo piece (possibly two), but nothing for the clown showcase.  I need to move, too, I tend to generate more ideas through movement than thinking.  (Move, write, and speak, move, write, and speak.)

And find a director.

Oh, darkness of approaching winter

Still in a funk.  It's kinda' a perfect storm of gloomy weather, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, the sudden earlier onset of darkness caused by the time change, and not feeling like I'm good at anything because I've been trying to learn a lot of things over the past couple of years, and I don't feel like I'm progressing, and I'm not sure how to change how I'm approaching it, and I'm feeling a little isolated, among other things, though, that's a lot in itself.  It'll pass.  I'll tell people, have already told people.  I won't pretend like it's not there.  Saying it out loud takes away its power.

The courage to do any of this is good, it's just the being stuck at a point that I'm having trouble moving beyond that's frustrating.  It seems to happen a lot, it did with photography as well, and I still haven't named the barrier, or answered "why?"  Actually, now that I think about it, another reason I took the (recent) first acting class (aside from wanting to be a performer) was to try to work around a block I had been having with photography.  I figured whatever was getting in the way of moving forward could be addressed from a different perspective.  It wasn't an issue of skill, (though it is now with acting , and dancing, which require practice) but rather a wall, beyond which I'm not following through.  We all have those, thoughts that get in the way.  Thoughts we aren't always aware we have, buried so far down in our being we take them as truths. But if they keep clipping our wings (as someone else put it today), they keep us from pursuing our lives.  They aren't true, just some message someone gave us long ago, doesn't matter why, only that we believed it, buried it, and lived as if it were true.  (I'm referring to judgments, the ones that bully us in our heads.)

I have a free night, already picked up my mail, and walked home, the long way.  It was peaceful.  The rain had stopped by then, and the standing water had begun receding.  It was very quiet.  Highlights were passing two separate cars getting jumped (must be the time change, traffic's been awful the last couple of days, too) and a raccoon crossing someone's yard, right as I turned on my street.  Otherwise, just lost in my own thoughts.

Looking forward to reading (I really love reading Dickens.)  Or watching a movie.  Working on the monologues, too.  I always feel funny saying them out loud at home: I have housemates...they do all know about the acting thing, though.

Less than two months until it gets lighter again.  And while I like all the holiday decorations, winters get harder every year.

Just ate way too much salt...olives, cheese, and crackers.  Feeling parched.

Late

The theme tonight was "Away at Camp."  If anything, across the board everyone had stepped up their game:  stage combat, accents, someone had to sing, the stories were particularly strong.  I was mentioning that to someone and she said she'd heard someone else say that when you get to the point of that much lack of sleep you are too tired to block ideas.  Maybe.  Great show at any rate.  Would've liked to have stayed for Act II of the second showing, but wasn't sure how late my bus ran.  As it turned out, they stop at 1:15 am or so, so it's good that I left (and I have to get up early.)  I especially liked the plays in the second act and wanted to see them again, but there were a couple of drunk women in the bar behind me whooping it up as if they were at a sporting event making it difficult to hear the actors, (especially when the mics had to be killed after they were hit with a water balloon, and in general not really seeming to get what the stories were) and being so loud that they drew attention to themselves and away from the stage.

For whatever reason, I was particularly social today and so met a lot of people, or re-met them.  Some days that is much easier, good timing for it.

I dreamt that I had chains chopped loose and I ran forward and jumped into someone's arms I didn't know was waiting.  There were others there, too, though I didn't see their faces.  Maybe it represents finally breaking free and letting myself win.

Tired, not particularly as coherent as I'd like to be.

Exhausted

Got off slightly early last night from the catering gig, didn't get to see any of the performance though: we were short-staffed so I tended bar and then cleaned up.  That was the busiest reception I've worked, 20 minutes of very friendly locusts.  Came home and tried to organize things for a couple of hours after: now I have a path through my room.  Slept like a rock.  Still, I'm exhausted.

On the way to the choir concert today, forgot where I was when I got off the bus and walked in the wrong direction to the venue.  Wandered, lost, for 45 minutes, at one point almost at the top of Queen Anne, which was when I realized I was going in the wrong direction.  It rained and I was wearing heels.  A couple miles later and I was at the venue, a few blocks from where I got off the bus originally, but in the opposite direction.  That's what not taking care of yourself will do to you.  Feel like I've lost my mind.  (I've lived here for 20+ years, how did I get lost?)  Thankfully, someone drove me home, also, it's pouring now.  Concert went well.  I think nine choirs performed. (Heritage Choir Concert.)  That choir is done until September, my Monday nights are free again.

Going to a show in a short while, hope I don't fall asleep.

Friday night, an act of habit in trying to find something to say

Went to one of the free shows tonight, ate dinner with friends there. It was warm, the falling light was a warm pinkish glow, the music was good, and there was a big, happy mass of humanity. Later there was an art show projected onto the fountain, but it wasn't quite dark enough for it when we were leaving. It'll play one more time. (It reminds me of when I was a kid and we'd go camping in the North Cascades and drive to Newhalem at dusk to walk the trails and look at the "colorful waterfalls," as we called them. They had pointed colored lights on the trails and the waterfalls. I still stop there if I'm in the vicinity. It's where the North Cascade Highway closes for the winter; on the west side.) I like how many people play in the fountain, getting soaked or just sit around on the edge and watch it, while music plays. They were letting the water blast out like a cannon in random sequence. It all makes me happy. Summers are why people live here. (January and February are gloomy, dark and rough, unless you ski and there's snow.)

Right now I'm finding it easier to connect without words, but need to integrate all this movement and clown stuff with someone else's words and directions and make it real for me. It'll be easier off book. Maybe it would help if I figured out what the story arc is without the words. I don't think we will work our scene tomorrow, but I should be ready anyway.  We need to run it more, we have more blocking than most of the other scenes.

Meeting with a bunch of clowns on Sunday, but not sure what we are doing. We want to try to keep the momentum going. Something was definitely starting to happen, and you have to keep working, practicing. I've fallen off a lot of the Movement stuff, there are a few things I do most of the time, but I'm not practicing much of the balancing exercises anymore. I make excuses because I'm tired or my hand hurts, but those were true before and I practiced then anyway. I've fallen off almost all of  the voice stuff, mostly because the ENT doc told me not to do anything. I'll try to remember this fall, or take the class again. I'm slightly braver.

Watching doors shut, slightly demoralized, but they weren't the right ones. They need to shut. In the book Art and Fear they comment on the idea that if you chase two rabbits, you catch neither. I don't even want to chase rabbits. I can't endlessly keep my options open, at some point I have to decide and act on that. Let it fail if it will, but if you never enter the battle, you might always be safe, but you never get to know what it is to win outright. I need to let myself win, or go down fightin'.

Friday

Well, that's all over, for better or worse.  The one thing I didn't study ended up being a large chunk of the test, and that would be how to form plurals.  I think I added extra vowels in a few cases, and I think I made it too complicated.  Still, I finished everything but "aurinkoista torilla?" "In the sun, on the square?" I know we went over it, which makes it worse that I can't remember it.

And since taking the biomechanics class, the way I move through space is fundamentally different from before.  I think my center of gravity has lowered and I definitely have complete contact between my feet and the ground, and that's new. Now, to spend time on character development in relation to everything I've learned.  It's strange to be suddenly free, I can actually read without feeling guilty that I should be studying or rehearsing.

Now, that I am no longer wearing a hat, I really should get a haircut or a better conditioner.  Put film in camera.

Hyvää viikonloppua!