Thinking about writing

Curled up in the chairs in the common area, and in between napping, I re-read the Natalie Goldberg pages from Writing Down the Bones.  Talking about her years of journals which she allowed a friend to read.

"I've been reading your notebooks all weekend.  They are so intimate; so scared, insecure for pages, then suddenly they are not you-just raw energy and wild mind.  And now here you are - Natalie - in the flesh, just a person.  It feels so Funny."  I feel good because I don't care that she sees how I really am.  I'm glad.  I want someone to know me.  We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us...We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say.  It is true that when we begin anything new, resistances fly in our face.  Now you have the opportunity to not run or be tossed away, but to look at them black and white on paper and see what their silly voices say...If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - Artistic Stability from Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg.

It's a strange feeling to know that anybody at all reads this.  Sometimes I get self-conscious, worry about being judged, worry even more when I think about censoring myself for fear of what people might think of me...and then I write anyway, whatever happens to come out of my head and through my fingers.  Sometimes it makes me cringe, but I'll leave it up anyway.  It was truth at the moment, if nothing else.  Sometimes when you sift through all the compost (as she calls it) something unexpected emerges.  Those moments are always worth it.