Evening

and I have to admit, with all my talk of singing, I sing because I love to sing. I'm not a great singer, though I'm getting better. In the one choir, I'm probably the weakest singer, but I add to the overall volume and I can carry a tune, generally stay on pitch and can hit some fairly high notes, but I'm not doing any solos. The other choir, I do get to do them if I want to, and again, the voice lessons helped tremendously. I have more control over volume, more volume in general, and, hello, I can sing vibrato, I just never did before. (And I kinda' like singing without it.)

I was thinking about Roger Ebert earlier. He was a good man, in the best sense of that word. There was this quote that the news used about him earlier, from his memoirs:

“‘Kindness covers all of my political beliefs,” he wrote, at the end of his memoirs. “No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”

I think he nailed it. Boa noite.

Back to zero

to an even keel, the place music I like takes me (always.) I've thrown the idea of "back to zero" around for a while, and tonight I decided it meant being present, so not worrying about anything, or thinking about anything except where I am right now.  And the Billy Bragg show was awesome.  He's funny, a great musician, and he gives a damn. And with both he and  the opening act, especially the opening act, who was a solo act, I thought about the need to sing. The drive to make music, the compulsion of having to sing. That it doesn't even matter what your voice sounds like (and his voice is fine) but more the need to communicate something in song. It's so beautiful. And the other reason I feel at zero, is that if I can love one person, I can also love someone else (I might not want to, but it can be done.) And now as it's late and I'm inexplicably super cold, I'm going to bed...no late night ramblings.

Morning

It smells so clean outside. The air thick with clouds, golden-white light from the sunrise breaking through, and now the sun. The air near the entryway insists on smelling like roses even though there aren't any there. I'm thinking about the rambling post, might put it back up.  It's something I think about quite a bit but because I wrote it in the middle of the night, it got a bit convoluted. Also, I've (obviously) been unfiltered since no one had been reading this.

Here's another older Billy Bragg song, from Workers Playtime, She's Got a New Spell:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w39CusifulI

Life is change

Just found out last night that this is the last month with our choir director. She's moving. Sad, but I feel blessed to have been able to have sung with her these past few years. It made me a better singer. It made the choir better, the recordings that were done in Finland on the camera were excellent.  And she challenged us with more interesting music and to get out of the box of what the choir would normally sing.

There are signs now near the cherry trees asking people not to climb them, but the writing is small, and people aren't reading them, so are still climbing the trees.

Back to it

After two weeks, with maybe too much free time on my hands, back into the craziness of school and work and everything else. And between the video we have to write a script for, film, edit, etc for Finnish and the outside rehearsals for the theatre class, I'll probably be busier than I was last quarter. And that's a good thing, I need to occupy my mind. My emotions are starting to overwhelm me, and though positive in general, still, too much.  My problem being that I'm an emotional non-eater, and it doesn't matter if they are "positive" or "negative" emotions, I can't eat. That would be the only time I can't eat.  The thing is, I woke up this morning happy and at peace with unrequited love, I don't know why. I suppose I can use it as fuel for writing or character development, why not?  I guess I like the feeling of that much love toward someone, even if it's not returned. I like that my heart is open enough for it.  When I look at him, I'm overwhelmed with it.  (It would be nice to feel that for someone who actually liked me back, but, it's a start I guess.)

Just received a wild email from a friend I now realize I haven't seen in a while, somewhere off the grid, in a car, not here, and all I can do is send her good thoughts and angels for protection. And if anyone reading this is the sorta' person that prays, please pray for her protection and hope, you don't need to know her name, just ask for help for my friend. Thanks.

Time for rehearsal. I realize I sound delusional, maybe it's the lack of sleep and calories. But there it is.

And when the words end

all that's left at the center is gratitude. Happy Easter.

Happy Weekend

I feel odd.

Here's a picture for the day, magnolias in the Quad, my cherry tree pictures weren't as good, too far away.

Magnolia tree/L. Herlevi 2013

Also, a song. In honor of Billy Bragg playing the Neptune later this week. It's not really a video, mostly just a picture of one of the Oasis guys. But I like this version of the song, the hollowness of the room.  Accident Waiting to Happen. It reminds me of driving across the Franklin Mountains between El Paso and Las Cruces with my aunt and uncle a long time ago. They had found an old Billy Bragg tape somewhere and we played it in the car, because it reminded them of when my sister had visited them in England in the early 90's. I haven't heard his music lately, I used to listen to him a lot in the late 80's and early 90's. I listened to Workers Playtime alot, it had all the "love" songs on it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCCnNqyrgmI

Gonna go see if I need a benedryl.

Trying to purge stuff. Got rid of a box, then took two large bags of clothing to a Goodwill drop-off. Walked 40 blocks home. The sun was warm, the air slightly cool, smelling clean of balsa and rockrose. I love late afternoon when the sun begins to slant toward the horizon. My favorite time of day.

Good Friday

Singing tonight music I love, especially Mozart's Ave Verum Corpus. We have a cellist and an oboeist (sp?) playing with us which sound awesome in the space, and make the really long song more interesting. (We sang it Sunday as well, without them, and my mind was wandering all over the place, which doesn't usually happen when I sing.) And then I'll need to write the scholarship application, it's due Monday. Still feeling ambivalent about the trip: 1) both my parents are having surgery this month; 2) I seem to have forgotten all the Finnish that I know since spring break started, and; 3) I'm still sick. Although for the last reason, maybe I'd feel better with a change of scenery. My RA doctor tried to find a different, older asthma medicine to see if it would be cheaper. It was more expensive (because you needed to take more, so had to buy more, I think.) $155. The nurse gave me a website for help with medicine you can't pay for. So, I'll look into that. But, back to Finland, 1) going and doing an immersion course would help with the bilingual goal; 2) it would be nice to see Riikka again; and 3) it's pretty much paid for (tuition, books, housing) if you get into the program, I would just need to come up with travel money (really expensive to fly there) and food, etc.

The housemate moved out yesterday, though by the time I got home from supper and rehearsal, he was sitting in the living room drinking beer with another housemate and watching basketball highlights (to check on his bracket, I guess.) Then he took a shower and went back to the other house. He left the super comfortable Ikea wooden-recliner-type chair, which is cool. The couch is kinda' gross.

Wide awake

It's 1:11 am. I took a nap earlier and now I'm wide awake. I was going to check out this workshop online that I'm sharing with someone, but I can't figure out where I put my password. I thought it was next to me when I fell asleep, but now it isn't. 

There were a bunch of ants in the bathroom when I got home tonight. Even though I don't think they are in my room (hard to tell with the carpet, but I don't see any) I feel super itchy. I overthink everything and then read too much into everything. A consequence of spending too much time by myself. I'm a drop in a big bucket. Wish I knew where I put the password. Wish I were tired enough to sleep.

Again, let go or be dragged.  Flirting can be a pleasant and harmless way to pass the time. And flattering, too. A piece of advice I read in a horoscope last night, good as advice even if you don't believe in horoscopes:"The very things you want to tell another person are very well the things you should be telling yourself." (Holiday Mathis-Capricorn, for today.) Ouch. So, where am I not taking responsibility and passing the buck? Could I have more integrity? (Actually, I tend to take on too much responsibility, I need to let that go and be okay if things fall apart. I can't actually hold the world together.  Still I would be responsible for playing small.)

Enough of the moping. I wonder if the ants bite me in my sleep? I got really sick a couple of weeks ago, actually fasted for a few days, but I still can't eat. Trying to force myself, because it's good to eat, but still only eating about half of what I would normally consume. (Ooh, another cool exhibit, I wonder if I can get there by 5?)  My doctor says there was some virus going around, but I didn't have a headache or anything. At any rate, I lost 8 lbs. Finally was able to eat some soup tonight.

I love the walk into work in the damp, cool, green, quiet morning. It's so luscious. Ah, the wanderings of my brain on too little sleep and too little to eat.

So, obviously I need to dig into this button of mine that once pushed takes me from a rational individual to a raving nutcase. And as I've decided that I'm gonna face all these things this year, they are coming up. (Not here, though.)

New way of walking

Well, signed up for the class, want to build on what is fresh in my mind (and muscle memory.) I'll be nice to myself, and hopefully the throat will start to heal.

A dude I live with asked me out yesterday. Wasn't really sure if it was a date or not, or just housemates hanging out. For some reason, getting close to (men, romantically) someone scares the crap out of me. I don't know when that started, I wasn't this way in college. He's moving this weekend, and it could've been a friend thing, though he's been oddly protective lately. Not in a creepy kinda' way, but he walked me home last night when he coulda' gone to the bar next door to watch the end of the soccer match (which he wanted to see.) And he keeps wanting to make me tea (because of the coughing.) And while I can take care of myself, it's nice when someone else gives a damn.

Incidently, I came the closest I ever have to nailing the Estonian song this week. We didn't have any tenors at rehearsal, so we really worked parts and we worked them slowly. (I get lazy or tired at the end of the 16th-note runs and have trouble putting the last syllable on. And unlike Handel or Mozart, there are actual words attached to every running note.)

And this is pretty dorky, but I've always walked kinda' odd, not using my full foot motion. Since I took this biomechanics class, I enjoy practicing walking, moving through my entire foot is new and fun for me. I keep finding excuses to get up and walk around the office. (Though I do often hear a male voice shouting out, "feel the ground with your whole foot!" which is amusing.)