Wide awake

It's 1:11 am. I took a nap earlier and now I'm wide awake. I was going to check out this workshop online that I'm sharing with someone, but I can't figure out where I put my password. I thought it was next to me when I fell asleep, but now it isn't. 

There were a bunch of ants in the bathroom when I got home tonight. Even though I don't think they are in my room (hard to tell with the carpet, but I don't see any) I feel super itchy. I overthink everything and then read too much into everything. A consequence of spending too much time by myself. I'm a drop in a big bucket. Wish I knew where I put the password. Wish I were tired enough to sleep.

Again, let go or be dragged.  Flirting can be a pleasant and harmless way to pass the time. And flattering, too. A piece of advice I read in a horoscope last night, good as advice even if you don't believe in horoscopes:"The very things you want to tell another person are very well the things you should be telling yourself." (Holiday Mathis-Capricorn, for today.) Ouch. So, where am I not taking responsibility and passing the buck? Could I have more integrity? (Actually, I tend to take on too much responsibility, I need to let that go and be okay if things fall apart. I can't actually hold the world together.  Still I would be responsible for playing small.)

Enough of the moping. I wonder if the ants bite me in my sleep? I got really sick a couple of weeks ago, actually fasted for a few days, but I still can't eat. Trying to force myself, because it's good to eat, but still only eating about half of what I would normally consume. (Ooh, another cool exhibit, I wonder if I can get there by 5?)  My doctor says there was some virus going around, but I didn't have a headache or anything. At any rate, I lost 8 lbs. Finally was able to eat some soup tonight.

I love the walk into work in the damp, cool, green, quiet morning. It's so luscious. Ah, the wanderings of my brain on too little sleep and too little to eat.

So, obviously I need to dig into this button of mine that once pushed takes me from a rational individual to a raving nutcase. And as I've decided that I'm gonna face all these things this year, they are coming up. (Not here, though.)