Fourth of July, Morning

Smoke billows high over the road and up into the trees.  The scent of charcoal burning, followed closely by the ocean, of seaweed, hits me as I cross the road into the park.  Golden Gardens, Fourth of July.  People setting up and staking out land for potlucks and bbq's, family and work gatherings.  I change my mind about heading toward the water first, and turn to go check out the pond at the end of the parking lot.  It's higher, a few ducks, evidence of beavers, no turtles yet.

Head toward the beach: the tide is out, way out.  There's more beach than I've ever seen, and it looks possible to get to Carkeek Park and back, so I start walking that way.  A woman stops me and asks if I'll photograph her in front of a big rock, she says her mother likes the rock.  I mention something about walking north, she convinces me to go for it, says I might have to wade on the way back (I do, long stretch near North Beach where the incoming tide is above my knees for close to 100 feet.)  She says it's the lowest tide of the weekend (-2.9), around 11:30 am, I think I have time.

I've always wanted to walk there, but never hit the tides right.  By some fortuitous timing, due to stopping to get coffee and a bagel (Fiore, one of my favorite coffee shops), I hit it right today.  Was actually just going to sit somewhere and write, hadn't been paying attention to the tides.  Didn't get any writing done.  Walked 2/3 of the way back barefoot, easier going, lots of sand and didn't have to worry about my shoes getting wet, and it was faster walking on the sand.  (Heading north, the area close to Carkeek was actually harder to cross with shoes, lots of water flowing down to the beach.)  I just looked it up, about 4 miles roundtrip.

Pictures:

Big Rock, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Going Out, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Scallop Shell, July 4/L Herlevi 2016

Sunday

Have yet to deal with the walnuts, made refried beans though.  Find it's probably just as well to buy them in a can, probably cheaper, in the end, and it's kinda' a long process: soaking, cooking, cooking again (because I got around to boiling them pretty late last night) and pureeing them.  They tasted fine, just a lot of work for the sake of a taco.  (Although, making them from scratch, you avoid exposure to BPA.)

Made me think about gardening, too.  I think there's a pride thing in growing pumpkins or good tomatoes, but if you were trying to grow things to save money, the things here would be: green beans, peas, kale/mustard (though, those aren't expensive, but along with lettuce, it would give you the option of picking what you needed, instead of having it go to waste in the fridge, since if you buy it from someone else, and you're cooking for only yourself, they often start to disinegrate before you get to them...for me, anyway), herbs (probably the best bang for the buck), berries, zucchini, tomatillos, and rhubarb.  And then any heirloom varieties you want to try, although, if you live near a farmers' market, someone probably sells it.  I was thinking about this because I could better use my allotted space.  (I try zucchini every year, but never have any luck with it.  Last year, all of my squashes produced only male flowers, until late September, by which point, I needed to pull them up.  I can't figure out why.)  I might get beans and pumpkins this year, fingers crossed.

Finally fulfilled a promise to help file a bunch of choral music (one of the choirs had been out of our space for most of the year, so we had stacks of music that needed to be put away) today, so, now I don't have to think about it anymore.

And had the odd thought (for me, since I often find myself at odds with the idea, i.e., sometimes I want a plan, and then on the other side I want freedom - usually, at the same time, that would be the Capricorn with Aquarius rising) but right now, with so much uncertainty, it feels better to have something to work toward, even if it feels overwhelming, than to have nothing to work toward, to be stagnant and lost.  In that corner of my life, I feel more excited than anything else:  anything could happen, and that might be a good thing.  It's ours to carry.

Lots of sirens tonight, never seem to let up.

Glorious long weekend

And I'm sitting around in the house.

Ended up with a bag of green walnuts, so, looking up, and comparing, recipes for nocino (green walnut liqueur) and trying to motivate myself to go out an buy a bottle of vodka, and a big enough container to hold it.  My reticence is both that if I'm home I have a hard time motivating myself to go out (I'm fine if I'm already away from the house; though, all I've done today is to go for a walk, and go to the farmers' market), and a fear of poisoning myself.  I think the chance of the latter is slim, actually, the vodka and sugar probably kill off anything scary.  At any rate, you mix it up and it sits around for 40-60 days, then you strain it into sterile bottles, and let it sit around for a couple more months, and voila.  I don't even really drink much, but it sounds interesting.

Finally saw a rough cut of the film today, it's pretty good for a rough cut, it flows well, especially considering how it was shot.  I think I'm a bit aggro, but maybe there are takes where that is not so much.  Everyone else seems good, to me.

I've been exhausted for the past couple of weeks.  Not even that I need to sleep, though that would help, but that I just lack the energy to move.  Feeling about 30 years older than my actual age when I garden, I just sorta' slowly shuffle around, barely getting anything done, my back's messed up, but it's not just that.  Been taking iron in hopes that it helps, I'm pretty sure I'm anemic, and it seems to be slowly working.  (I was anemic until I went on the Pill, and started eating red meat, but I went off of it over a year ago, and it's a toss up...in some ways I feel better (more emotions), but in others worse (no energy), so...)

The nearest liquor stores seems to have closed it's doors for the time being.  I should probably do something with these walnuts before they rot.

The black duck is a she, and has a few chicks.

Chicks, July 2/ L Herlevi, 2016

Goose, July 2/L Herlevi, 2016

How they are now, July 2/L Herlevi, 2016

Sitting around doing nothing

Another training over with.  Felt like it went deeper this year, but I guess that's how it is with any practice.  Someone asked a question earlier on in the week about what do you think about during the exercises (for lack of a better word.)  And of course, your imagination should always be going, but it's easy for me to forget that when I'm trying to remember how to physically do something, what that walk is like, when do we change direction, when do we look at someone else, what's next, that I forget it's still a theatre class.  Remembering that, and bringing myself back to a story, to breath, was super helpful.  Made everything I did easier, because I now had a reason for doing it, and an aim.

I'm happy, but I also feel like I had another break-up, not with any one person, but that I had this amazing experience that changed me, because of who else was in the room, and now it's over, which feels sudden.  And so, I'm also a little sad.  There's forward growth, and having what was learned and who I learned that with becoming a part of me, but no going back, and no holding onto it.  And this seems to be what I signed up for.  I mentioned it to a couple other people, they said they feel the same after working on shows. (This was like that because it was intense, and clown was definitely like that.)  I went out with a few classmates and a couple of their friends after the showcase.  One of the friends said what she got out of it was that when we were doing our "sentences" or whatever you call them, not "acting", with neutral faces, she saw a variety of people, faces, bodies, etc., and she found that interesting to look at all of us as people, and not as actors.  And someone else commented that when someone wasn't trying to "act" (trying to show something, as opposed to being) the person observing could see the change/expression appear throughout the whole body, not a forced thing, but something that grew out from an experience or imagination.  That's my end goal.

Anyway, we did the showcase on Thursday, and then had four hours of training last night (we'd only been having 2 1/2 for all the other days, because we spent the final part of class creating the slow tempo performance piece, and doing the Ki work.)  We also re-imagined the beginning of one of the longer things (phrases?) we do, "Luna," which I like better, because it no longer feels random to me.  And we did a bunch of partner work, which still feels like a junior high dance, and having to ask someone to "dance" (though, unlike junior high, the likelihood of "no, I don't want to work with you" is much lower, as everyone needs a partner.)  Still, the dread builds up...I worked mostly with people I hadn't yet, people who had been doing this work much longer.  It was good, bigger risks taken, something shifted.

Also, there is only committing to the thing, whatever that is, and I find that I do, even more so when I know I'm getting tired, even when I don't know what I am doing.  It's the return for getting to be there and doing the work with all of these people.

"Something changed,"...indeed.

Monday night

Can't believe the class is almost over.  Tomorrow is the last group to walk the tight rope (my group), and then on Wednesday we'll run through the final Slow Tempo performance piece as a whole group, and then Thursday we'll do all of it publicly, and then Friday is the last class.  Feels over too fast.

The nice thing about the Slow Tempo piece is that there is room to really engage and bring in motivations for what you do, where you came from, where you are going, etc.  Good practice.  (Completely missing for me on the film project.  I worked on it outside of the actual filming, but really not there during the filming.  We shot most of it line by line, not with characters interacting for any length of time.  I need to learn to get and stay in character even if that is the case.)

Ah, it's late.  I can hear rain (unexpected.)  A flash of light through the windows during notes, and then when we were all together to close the evening, the rain really started pounding on the roof and windows: a good sound.

Done!

We finally finished the filming last night.  The actor that drove me home and I left around 2:30 am, and the director and crew were finishing up single shots with the actor that had missed the second night.  It was pretty chilly, I was the only one not wearing a jacket, because my character wasn't wearing one earlier, my arms were freezing.  At one point, while we were waiting outside the van while some interior shots were being finished, the actor (that missed the earlier shoot) gave me a giant towel to use as a blanket, which was thoughtful.  Also, there were no rats, or insects, but this bunny rabbit showed up, mind you this was shot in an industrial zone near the freeway, not prime rabbit habitat.  Odd, but the bunny was cute.  (This was also like 1:30 in the morning.)

The set was a bit toxic, not sure if that was a method acting thing or not (but after three nights of continually hearing some version of "stupid f---ing b---h" aimed in my direction, on and off set, ("you didn't even know your line, you stupid f---ing b---h!" then proceeded to miss their next three takes, all of which was on camera.)  I finally just gritted my teeth against it, and ignored it...which is bad in the sense of not working off of someone, but necessary for my own well-being.  And I just wanted to get through it.)  At one point, the police man that was on set asked me what that was all about, said I didn't deserve to be treated that way, and proceeded to give me a hug, adding that I was a good person.  (And no, I wasn't crying, I had gotten to the point where I was trying to block it out.)  I can't answer what that was about, I know it happens on sets (and much, much worse, think of Dustin Hoffman to Meryl Streep during the filming of "Kramer vs. Kramer", or Stanley Kubrick (allegedly) to Shelley Duvall in "The Shining"), but even if that is your process for getting in your character, should you pull someone else into your warm up process without letting them in on that first?  I mean, otherwise, it just feels abusive.  (And if it's personal, why bring it onto the set in front of everyone rather than deal with it before the need to escalate it to a level of rage?  I mean, you don't have to like me, that's a given, but this was a work environment.  And yeah, I forgot a few lines, but so did everyone else, including that person, and no one else got that level of vitriol, or any at all.)  The characters weren't actually written as hating each other.  It was written as a comedy.

Anyway, glad it's over.  I won't be going to the screening, not because of any of that, but because I have class, and we are doing a public showcase the following day, and for the longer performance piece we've been working on, that'll be the first day we are all in the room together to run through it.  Plus, I really like the class.  I hope I get to see it.  (I don't know, maybe I was being called those things because my acting was bad, still...and no, it wasn't the director, can't imagine him doing that.)  It felt a bit disjuncted working on it, and I'm curious how it'll look in the end, plus there's always something to learn from it, and it's good to have the closure of the end result.  I'll have to ask him to send it.

Wednesday

Need to go garden, have taken the whole week off, forecasted rain never seems to fall here, and haven't watered in over a week, plus it's getting overgrown.  Feeling queasy.  Not sure if it's lack of sleep or something sketchy I ate from a food truck over the weekend (not quite hot enough.)  Ugh.

We finally got around to shooting our film over the last couple of nights, and now I think we will have to re-shoot the whole thing as the actor who has been flakey, showed up to the first night's shoot, said, "See you tomorrow night!" as he departed, and then failed to show up last night.  We were all tired, I got home around 3:30 am after the first night.  He didn't even call, and the director tried to get ahold of him.  (Same actor that missed most of our run-thrus.)  I don't think we can even use the original footage as we'll have to get a new location, and he's obviously in a lot of it.  The director had to secure permits, hire security (for which I was grateful, lots of sketchy action on the periphery of the filming; and so many rodents!), rent a vehicle, and find crew...it's just lame to not show up, and not at least call or something.  And if he had missed the first night, at least we could've brought on another actor, and could've used the footage.  Money, and time.  The screening is in a week.  I don't think we'll shoot tonight, though, so can get some sleep.  (I have an inability to sleep past 8 am.)  I don't know what we're gonna do.  We quit a little after 2 am this morning.  Waiting to see what the plan is now.

We are half-way through the physical-theatre class.  I'm moving more intentionally in general.  What I'm picking up this year is that 1) you are never the most important person on stage; 2) it's all about being your best within the group, but contributing to the whole picture is what matters, it's not about "being interesting" and standing out, but about an awareness of the stage and what is needed.

It was mentioned that this training in the States is useful for working in the group, as our culture is very individualistic.  It raises awareness of what is going on around you, to offer what is needed, and not just trying to "make something happen."  (Which goes back to the idea of a production being about the story, and how the acting, directing, staging, lighting, sound, costume, props, etc., should all be in harmony and in agreement as to what that story is, not for any one element to draw attention to itself as if to say, "Look at me!  Look how clever I am!")  While that might serve the ego, it doesn't serve the story.  You serve the bigger picture, even if it doesn't serve you immediately.  Not everything is about you.  It's reading and feeling for the other.  There is a bigger world out there, sometimes what's best for the most isn't what's best for you, but you choose it anyway, because it serves a greater good, even if it doesn't give you exactly what you want.

(I guess he fell asleep, and we don't have to re-shoot the whole thing, which is a relief.  I like him, I just want him to show up.  Fingers crossed everyone shows up to the make-up shoot.)

Well, that's over

I had a gawd-awful audition.  Not sure why, but my nerves got the best of me, and I got lost in the monologue a third of the way through and had to start over.  And I know this backward and forward, I've had it memorized for months, and practice it multiple times a day.  And then I sang which was awful, as well.  So, obviously didn't get a call-back...I wouldn't have called me back either, though, the casting call wasn't super specific except in asking for dancers to audition, which I have little experience with, but was given a slot anyway.  I think that might have been one of the worst auditions I've done, at any rate, the experience, even if awful, is worthwhile, I was reminded of all the stuff I need to be working on (in all our copious "free-time," as a friend pointed out.  Though, I'll say, you will find the time if it matters to you, lord knows I waste enough time looking at Facebook and youtube videos.  Hours I can't get back.)

Training is good.  I got split into the newbie group, which in a way is good, as we are getting the breakdown in a way I didn't get last year.  Last year, we picked it up by being in the larger group and learning from the people who had been practicing for longer.  And it's good, because I've forgotten a lot of form, and I need to figure out if I can stretch somehow to make my ankles more flexible, or if this is my state of being I need to adjust to.  I used to trail run, and have sprained my ankles a number of time which affected flexibility.  And some of the forms are super uncomfortable to hold with my feet.  Thankfully, it's cooling down today,  the break-out room's been like working out in a hot yoga studio.

Finally will be filming our class thing in the next week.  The screening got pushed back a week.  We are filming after my class (so, really late) 'cos the event happens after dark.  Feeling somewhat out of touch, we haven't worked together in over a month.  Hope it all goes well.

Monday

I have an idea for a clown thing, but it's half-baked, and because of that, wonder if I should just sing.  Not sure what I'll sing, not currently studying voice, and not specifically auditioning for a musical.  I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that the purpose for that would be to hear what I sound like when I sing and possibly range?  Not sure what direction the show will take, there are songs in the text, but it's not traditionally a musical...traditionally, it's Shakespeare, and could really go in any direction.  So, don't have a clue on style of music.

Class starts tonight, it's almost as hot as it was last year (for the same time of year, all three weeks last year were during a heat wave), and as a consequence, hardly slept last night.  Still, looking forward to it.  And I figure, since we all made it through the training in a heat wave last year, can do it again.  There's a good hour working on performance and Ki.  It's doable.  Need to remember to eat enough.

Contained in an Hour

Sirens and emergency vehicles block the alley and the street, rerouting traffic on a busy Friday evening as dusk sets in.  No sign of smoke, only the rising the smell of burning plastic.  My bus comes, I exit to cleaner air.

All this as the final play gets out, and a reception. Again, with a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, we talk about worth, and how your life situation doesn't define who you are, but how in our society it does, and how we judge by the surface things: age, sex, color of skin, your native tongue, how much money you make, what your job title is, how much education you have, how coupled you are, etc.  And one of the women in a video shown on stage said that homeless isn't who you are, but rather the situation you find yourself in at the moment.  We are all many things.  We've all been cowards and courageous.  We've been a friend or a destroyer.  We've loved or been fearful.  We've opened ourselves or closed down.  Some have found they had more resilience than others.

And with someone else we both mention how excited we are to be starting the physical training again in a couple of days.  And I tell her about an audition I have, and when she walks away, and I see the other friend, she asks if my life is going well, because I look good.  And it's the joy of everything of this moment (the upcoming class, talking about an upcoming audition, seeing a show, being around actors, being around people who took the time to dig deeper and give a damn.)  And I think the class last year changed me: the relentless message of "don't you see how beautiful you are?" Four hours a night for three weeks, repeated over and over and over.  (Counters all the other noise that tells us we are not.)

And how one minute can seem like an eternity: one minute I have to be clown for an audition (I don't know what that could even be, and that scares the shit out of me, but the courage of those around me inspires me to show up and do it anyway), or the one minute I got the undivided attention of the one I've wanted to talk to for even a minute, for ages (haven't seen you in months.)  And maybe you can love someone you knew for a minute, because in that minute you were both authentic and open, hiding behind nothing.