Still

Rage.  It's the emotion that causes women (typically) to be accused of being "psycho" by men (typically.)  Often the result of the former feeling: used, disregarded, unheard, unconsidered, ignored, etc. by the latter.  Whether that be deemed rational or not.  And it's easier to dismiss someone as psycho rather than dealing with what they need, that it might not all be on their irrationality.  That there might be a point, something unaddressed underneath it all.  That they feel invisible.

I can't even explain in any rational way why.  No one thing would warrant it in someone else's eyes.  It's, I suppose, not from what was said or done, but rather perhaps, what was not.  The not even on the radar consideration of how I feel.  That it's likely not going to be about me, or us, even if that had gotten better in recent weeks.  And again, not that that has to be there, but why have I stayed?  I was sure that I loved him.  Wanted to tell him.   Relationships default to who wants the least.  What makes me think that would change?  It's working for one of us. (Hence no reason to see a need or want the change.)

It's disempowerment.

So, there's that.

Tried to go to a Buster Keaton film tonight, but when I got there the door was locked.  The bus was late, but only by a couple of minutes, perhaps they cancelled it.  Walked back home for the exercise.

We have another ant infestation, can't figure out where they are coming from or where they are going, but they are crawling all over the silverware.  That'll be the rest of my night.  The other part was taxes, but those went fast.

After doing something

(My spell-check is in Spanish-that's not entirely on purpose-so everything is currently "misspelled".)

Had to go shovel manure after work.  We received a truckload for the garden last week, this was the first free time I've had, and it's supposed to rain tomorrow, so today seemed like as good a time as any.  My arm felt good enough to be able to both use a shovel to lift, and to move a wheel barrow; past few years it hasn't, so that's a plus.  Did some weeding for good measure, and turned some soil.  When I got home later, I saw that everyone is supposed to have begun working the plots as of April 1.  I should send out a reminder.  I finally have time to read my manual.  Someone complimented the meeting I ran.

Walk over to get a burrito, and visited the neighbor's chickens on the way back.  I like listening to chickens "talk", I find it really peaceful.  Went back to pick up my weeding to carry home, walked to bus stop, only to get there right as the bus was speeding past.  My feet didn't hurt too bad, so I walked home.

It was near sunset, the sky a pale gray with a dull peach along the horizon.  Silent.  Cherry trees blazing white in the dimming light.  Flowers bursting out everywhere: winter will be over.  The scent of vegetation.  In the silence, the buzz of a bee circling me is like a distant engine: loud and unexpected, and then just as suddenly it's gone.

I was calmer by the time I got home.  Still, I told him, via text, it upset me, the impersonal nature, the indifference to seeing me after two weeks.  Maybe not diplomatically.  Been the same cycle for months.  I'm tired of being his yo-yo.  He wants a relationship, he disappears.  He doesn't want a relationship.  He does, sorta', he disappears.

It's not the end of the world.  I like myself.  Whatever happens, I'll live.

Still tired

Oh, I'm feeling even more aggressive.  Would help to have somewhere useful to direct it, rather than wanting to rip someone's head off (and my job is working with the public, so it would be good if I didn't give into the impulse.) I can't focus, and then after saying I was exhausted, couldn't really sleep last night.  That'll get better, I think.  Finally took some magnesium this morning, and hoped I would wake up in time for work (turned on my phone to set an alarm, but it took so long to boot up, that I fell asleep in the meantime, but I did get to work on time.)

At one point I was asking for guidance and then later checked email (since I was already awake) and found I had received this email around 4 am which talked about what story you are telling yourself.  (The questions are: "Am I absolutely certain this story is true?" "How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?" and "What's one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?" It's from Marc and Angel's "Getting Back to Happy" blog.)  I don't really understand the third question, but in general, the questions help with all-or-nothing cycles of thinking.

Not only this, but a big part is feeling that one of us is more invested than the other.  One out of love, one apparently, as a business contract (and if only the latter, not a particularly fair one.  But at least I know what would be now.  Either way, I allowed myself to be used because I wanted/loved him, and he needed something from me, and so I'm mad at myself, too.)  I'm only responsible for what I want to do with that; for owning my expectations and disappointments.  For communicating better, at least from my end, whether or not they choose to listen.  For knowing what I want, and saying it.  For stop trying to prove my worth: people value you or they don't; you matter to them, or you don't.  It's all a choice, what or whom you choose to care or focus on; what or whom you love.  I'm not sure you can change that (how someone else values you) without selling your soul.

And sadly, none of this makes me any less pissed off. (The impersonal nature of the communication since he's gotten back...among other things.)  I wish I were.  (I also wish I could remember how this feels when I need it for acting, but I don't.  When it goes away, it will be gone.)

(And on a completely unrelated note, but one that relieves anxiety, just paid off a third bill that's been hanging over my head for a while.)

Back home

One last morning with the wide open view to the west: moon set, clear sky, snow-capped mountain range.  Glorious.

Saturday was a perfect "summer" day, though it cooled off quite fast.  Tried to sit outside to read, but kept getting too hot.  Sunday brought thunder storms, and three separate bouts of hail.  Every time I thought I could make a run for it to take my stuff back home, another bout hit.  Finally just went anyway, and hit a lull in the weather.  It needed to get done.

Still have more to carry home.  I've had three brief stints at home over the past couple of weeks.  It's a mess, and I have stuff I need to catch up on.  The dog seemed to know I was leaving this morning.  The cat has resorted to licking throw pillow (kinda' mindlessly) until I pulled them away to get him to stop.  One of them is kicking cat litter around.  (I've cleaned up everything but that, it's just the litter, not any pet waste.  Only so much time.)

I feel like I've been working the equivalent of three jobs for the past couple of weeks: my regular job, the house/pet sitting, and a combo of the two choir commitments/garden leadership, and maybe getting four hours sleep a night.  I'm exhausted.  Wiped out.  Burned out.

I was super frazzled yesterday morning (translate to blunt and tart), a friend caught that and came and talked to me for a while (mostly just to see that I was okay.)  When I got back to the house, I called my parents, and then had a message from someone else wishing me a "Happy Easter" which was nice, since they don't share my beliefs.  And by that point was super emotional, and burst out crying.  (Like at Thanksgiving, only no memory or thought tied to it.  Emotional release, I guess.  Couldn't pin it to any one thing.)

I'm not thinking straight.  I probably just need to get some sleep.

Easter

Happy Easter!

Where I was last Easter.

Santibanez de Valdeiglesias to Astorga, April 16/L Herlevi 2017

I need to sleep more

I must've been asleep at some point.  I was suddenly aware of the sound of bird song, a robin, loudest, singing (which I realize I haven't heard in ages, the ones I've heard recently were chirping) and a quieter bird that has stopped.  The dog was staring at my face.

Outside it was still dark, quiet, aside from the bird.  The full moon dropping down over a pair of cedar trees to the west, in a clear sky.  A light drifting silently southward, an airplane.  The communication towers blinking red in the distance, and street lamps sending light toward the ground below from where I am looking.

The cat is sitting staring at me from the end of the bed.  I have a brief dashed hope that it is a weekend, but somehow that doesn't jibe, and I decide it must be Tuesday (?)  I really haven't been getting much sleep...it is actually Saturday.  I want to sleep more now that the dog is no longer shoving me over the edge of the bed.  The cat smacks my arm: they are ready to be up.

I follow them downstairs, let the dog out.  Let him in, go back upstairs to try to sleep a little more and I close the door on them (I can hear them on the other side) and establish only my second boundary in over a week.  (My first was last night, when I kenneled the dog so that I could actually cook and eat something.)  When I'm here, they are both pretty much joined at the hip to me.  The only time alone I've had is in the bathroom.

I enjoy their company.  But I might as well learn to have some boundaries.  Funny that it took a dog to teach me that.

I hope they don't tear up the house.

Sick dog

Unexpected day off, woke up to find the dog had vomited at some point during the night, and then did again.  I can't leave him home sick.  I am thankful I have leave.  I made him special food, (rice/broth/baby food) which he did eat, and he perked up briefly to try to beg me for my food, but has mostly been sleeping.  I'm watching to check if he drinks, but as I haven't been home with him during the day, I don't know what normal for him is.  I'm keeping an eye on him.  Hoping he'll get better on his own, without a vet visit, but have that info if needed.

I've had so little sleep.  My mind is pretty blank.  Maybe I'll try writing while I sit around.  If I sit on the couch, the dog wants me to cuddle with him. (And at 60-70 lbs, he's big for a lap dog...but he's sweet.)  The cat is hiding out in the basement.

It's breezy, cold, and overcast out.  Lights swing outside the window.  Across the way, flowering quince, and an apple tree are in full bloom.  There were a few people in the grocery store when I went to buy rice and baby food for the dog.  Otherwise, it feels so empty.  I have the local news on for company.  It's so quiet of people sounds: just wind, and the movement of trees against the house, and possibly freeway traffic.  I'm feeling an inner obstinance to writing.  Why everything you want to get better at is a daily practice: do it even if you don't feel like it, are uninspired.  Inspiration may never come.  I should turn off the tv and bear the silence, get to it.

On a tangent

I had to run errands after work, and letting the dog out of the kennel for a bit.  Managed to not do the first couple things on the list, and the reason I went to the store in the first place, so will have to find time before tomorrow morning.  I have a singing gig tonight.

Anyway, I walked home to get the music for the gig.  By the time I headed back out, this massive dark sky had built up, and it looked like it would rain soon, so I tried to hurry, not that I could out-walk a storm, but you know, to limit the drenching.  I did beat it, and then I forgot about it once I started cooking dinner, feeding the pets, etc.  They were unconcerned when the lightning, thunder, and hail finally struck, finding themselves much more interested in watching me cook and waiting to see if I would share with them.  I'm gonna have to start eating in the bathroom.

The dog is still moping, wishing, I suppose that I would turn into his person, but I don't.  They did let me sleep with my legs stretched out, so that was progress.  The dog jammed his face in my armpit at one point, but thankfully, quickly resorted to putting a paw on me for safe keeping instead.  They held their respective territories until morning.  I got a little bit of sleep.  Passing storms woke me up off and on: rain and branches hitting and creaking against the windows, the sound of wind.

It's been snowing this morning, the clumps falling in the rain, vanishing as they touch down.

When the sky cleared, March 23/L Herlevi 2018

Later, the sun came out, people began returned to the rain-soaked Quad.  I rushed home to let the dog out before the singing gig, and then rushed home after, to let him out again: been long stretches.  Both of the pets were stir crazy tonight, and he and I had a stand-off; he frightened me a bit, so I walked away from him.  Now he's pouting.  (I don't know him well enough to know what the behaviors mean.)

The singing gig was part of a discussion regarding the continuation of the Finnish Lutheran Church in Seattle.  I don't have say in the matter, but joining the community through the choir changed my life for the better, got me in touch with a part of me I didn't know about.  Would be a huge loss for me, but like many groups (religious, cultural, language, stories, to name a few) now, too few people are trying to hold things together, and many of those people are elderly; if you can't get vibrant multi-generational involvement, the communities will dissolve.  The visiting pastor from Finland recently asked an Estonian interpreter what the Finns could learn from the Estonians, where, when under Communist rule, religion was banned (as were traditional songs), and she said, "Don't lose the tradition."  And that made me think of all that we're losing now, all the knowledge (language, cultural, stories, histories, species, genes, diversity) we are losing every day.  When they are gone, we can't get them back.  Why are we so willing to let them go?  What would we be willing to fight for?  What would it take to get us to care?  How do you have a cohesive society that's multi-cultural, without recessing to the blandest common demoninator?  How do you survive in multiple worlds, or is that even possible?  And if you can do it, where do you fit in?  (I'm all over the place with this, apologies.  I think about this a lot.  I'm writing down so that I can wrestle with it more.)

Life with Pets

Change in the weather, March 22/L Herlevi 2018

In the morning, a change in the weather, the sky is pouring down rain, and it's colder.  Big pools of standing water in the Quad, only one person visiting the trees to take pictures when I hurry through: soaked and late.  The sound of the rain on the cherry blossoms was pleasant, different than the sound on leaves, a softer patter, I guess.

By afternoon the rain has let up, but the air was chilly.  I went out to visit the trees, but the coolness and flatness of the light kept the visit short.

What a difference a day makes, March 22/L Herlevi 2018

Was looking forward to spending time with the pets, and still am, but they don't really know what to make of me.  I think the cat is better with it than the dog.  The dog misses his person, and eyes me warily.  When I let him out, he sits on the porch and gazes at the street, waiting.  Or maybe he always does that.  He also hits me with a paw, but I'm not sure what that means.  I don't think he dislikes me, I'm just not who he wants me to be; and perhaps he's having separation anxiety.  They both slept on me.  I didn't get much sleep, but it made me feel more secure.

And because it's raining hard, I decided I should clean up after him sooner rather than later.  I decided that after I had locked the door and was heading for work.  So, I put my work bag down and grabbed a bag to pick it up.  I guess there was a hole in it, and I ended up getting dog poo on both my hands.  Stood there a moment trying to figure out how I could wash them, since the house key was already in a pocket, and finally grabbed another plastic bag, and put my hand in it so I could get the key and open up the door.  Washed them about 10 times, and then used a disinfectant wipe on my hands when I got to work.  I'm sure they're clean enough, it's just kinda' gross.  I'll live.

Other than that, it's strange (as always) to be living in someone else's house, to imagine a different life, to witness a different reality.  But also, since it's not my regular space, it clears my head, and helps me look at my own life from a bit of distance.  Always an interesting space to occupy, like a vacation, though I do need to find some time to get back to my own house...I don't want to yet.

Around and About

Spring has arrived.  Birds sing, the trees are in full blossom.  The heat was off in the morning, but late in the day, coming in from the coolness of the afternoon and walking back inside the door, the air felt like a fever: dry, hot, claustrophobic.

Anxiety (and a bit of anger) and things that need to be cleared up keep me awake throughout the night, most nights.  And I've been having bizarre dreams for weeks now: sad, disturbing, unfinished, vivid.

Guess I could get up and do something useful instead of stewing.

I took on a leadership role, and then suddenly had to be the one to make a major decision without gathering input (which would be my style, but time was short.)  Bunch of singing commitments coming up, (along with a longish, last minute house/pet-sitting request/favor-at the same time as everything else) and then there will be a break for a while, first time in months.  It'll be brief, but it's nice to have the breathing space.

Some photos from recent days, the ones I like best were all black and white.

The Trees Say it's Spring, March 15/L Herlevi 2018

All the Lights, March 14/L Herlevi, 2018

Stillness, March 14/L Herlevi 2018

Paper Flowers, March 14/L Herlevi 2018

In Trees, March 17/L Herlevi 2018