Finally, practice

Our first Meisner-practicing group met tonight.  It was good.  We did chair-work (there were only three of us, so, 2x each), and another vulnerability exercise.  We did each chair session for 15 minutes, and the other for five; I mention the timing because in some ways while in it, it feels like forever, and then when the time is up I think, "Wow, is it over already?"  The second exercise was a series of (truthful) "I feel...I feel..." stating what was going on with you in the moment, and while that was being explained, I couldn't imagine doing that for five minutes, and yet, lived through it.

In the second chair I did break down deeper and tried to stay there, but side coaching took me out of it (not always the case), and in the "I feel" exercise, I pulled back, I mean, partly, I didn't want to start crying and not be able to stop (as in the singing class, where I pretty much cried the rest of the night, and the next day); and while I realize there is a lack of trust in that decision to pull back, to not go there, the other side of me is remembering, that "this is not actually a therapy session," and trying to walk the line between those things, 'cos obviously, the point is to have access to all of you, to be vulnerable, to be fully available.  And it's a safe space for it.  I'll have to spend time writing about it on paper.  I guess there are some things I need to think about.

I'm glad this happened.  We are meeting again in two weeks, and will see how it goes; it seems it would be too much to ask to meet more often.  (It would also be really good practice to meet more often.)  One part of my head says, "Oh, how do you find the committment to this in busy life?"  But then another side says, "Well, you are all actors, and this is what you want to be doing, so, yeah, it makes sense to find the time to practice."  Again, not an art form that can really be practiced in solitude all the time, as interactions matter.

I've been wanting to find people to work with for two years, so again, this is good.

In other news, waiting to hear back from a doctor I saw earlier today regarding pressure in my chest, against my rib cage.  They wanted to rule out my heart (or a blood clot).  I wanted to rule out my gall bladder (I didn't win, and they also didn't do any blood work, which I need.)  It makes me not want to eat, because eating hurts.  Anyway, doesn't seem that anyone has called, so I'm hoping no news is good news.  Though I would like to know what's wrong...I'm too young for all of this, it's ridiculous how bad I've been feeling this year.

And then I tried to use an atm card earlier only to be told it had expired, and the balance was zero.  I never received a replacement, can't imagine anyone else could be using it.  Not super worried, as there isn't that much money in the account, though I was gonna use it to pay a bill that's due.  Can't do anything about it until tomorrow.  A lot less worried about it than I normally would be.  I guess that's progress.