Awkward

I had a voice message from someone I've been loosely associated with for a while, and somehow his saying his name made me realize that we briefly dated back when I was 22 or 23.  (We actually had met in high school at a camp or something.)  If he hadn't said his name, I wouldn't have made the connection.  He doesn't look the same at all.  I'd forgotten about it (blocked it out?  I dated a lot of people at 23, more than the rest of my life put together.  None of it meant anything, i.e., wasn't serious, not for them, I don't think, either.)  I'd briefly had a crush on him in high school, but dating was weird: dark, borderline abusive.  After thinking about it, I now remember one of my roommates saying at the time, to our third roommate, plus myself, that he wasn't gonna change our phone number because we gave our number to people and then didn't want to answer the phone.  And now it's awkward.  I actually hope he doesn't make the connection at all.  (Or hasn't, apparently, I'm really slow.)  Or hopefully I'm wrong, and it's not the same person.  (Most likely, it is. We had a conversation about something we had in common some months ago, which increases the odds.)  I don't want to leave something that's important to me, kinda' done with all that, actually, the whole shrinking of my life: it was my world first.  (And I'll accept that people can change over time.  It was a long time ago.)

For the record, I've blacked a lot of things out.  (Or perhaps they've all blurred together in my memory, and now suddenly, they are separating into the individual stories that they are.  All of them, let loose by a phone call.) The political climate has brought stuff back up, stuff I'd rather not remember, though I'm surprised I'd forgotten about some of it, didn't happen all that long ago.  (The memories are real, I wrote about them at the time.  I've kept journals since high school, plus I told the friends I was with.)

I find that I'm unexpectedly free.  I should finish the book; "Anne of Green Gables."  It's sweet, and poetic, and I originally picked it up because I remembered that my mom liked the series on public  television.  It's a nice respite from most everything else I've been reading.  And I've been getting "your library book is way past due" emails.  It is.