Change

Today would've been a good day to play hooky: probable last super nice day of the year, it's already 84 degrees out.  I had an appointment to get my foot looked at this morning, and the doctor was running an hour behind schedule (and I couldn't reschedule as he's going out of town, plus I was already there, and I want to stop wearing the boot as soon as I can; it's gonna be raining more, and because of blood clot risk.)  Five more weeks until he wants me to start PT, and if it doesn't hurt, I can switch to an ankle brace instead of the boot.  I didn't make it into work until 1:30 pm.

For last night's insomnia, I did a personal strength quiz (VIA, it ranks 24 strengths; my top had to do with learning and knowledge, my 22nd was self-regulation, which I mention because I've known that one was weak, and have been trying to work on it.)  It's funny, I'd bought Gretchen Rubin's book (Better than Before) about forming habits a while back, but had gotten stuck on trying to figure out what my tendency was, then recently there was a quiz attached to an article, which calculated it for me: Rebel (basically, rebel against outer and inner rules, so I have to find some other reason.  Shame doesn't work.  Cost doesn't work., etc.)  Anyway, I was talking to my dental hygienist about (not) flossing regularly, decided to be completely transparent about it (usually I make myself floss some few weeks before the appointment.)  And things like gum recession or future surgery don't work, because they are an unknown somewhere in the future which may or may not arrive.  And he gave me a reason, which I think will work.  (You'll have to find your own.)

The self-regulation gets harder as I get older.  I think I had other conditioning that has faded over time, that formerly overran my rebel-nature, and it doesn't anymore.  A friend was saying she has the same problem.  But I also figured out where all that came from, too.  Not sure what to do about it, but acknowledgment is a start.  I'm trying to learn that what I want and need, matters, and that a lot of the things I do on automatic are not based on actual truths.  (Just because something is ingrained, doesn't mean it's true, or should continue to be acted upon.)  And the angry god, paternalism, doesn't carry the weight it once did, a good thing, but it leaves a void.  And control through fear is unhealthy and dangerous, at any level.

Meeting the friend (not the phone call person) has brought up a lot of this.  Things that hurt, that I need to deal with.  Things I need to change in my own behavior, especially towards myself.  (I also have been feeling listless and depressed; irrationally, it feels like I just went through the break-up again, something that happened more than half my lifetime ago.)

Finding out new things every day.  Ultimately, I suppose it's for the best.  It sucks.