Dealing with myself

Woke up late.  Less pissed off (almost not, bothers me still, but I'm not pissed.)  Had insomnia and a long ear worm playing in my head around 3 am, and my leg hurt.  Dreamt about travel, but never arriving, never actually taking off, and the destination kept changing (as did the people I was traveling with.)  I wondered how much time I'd taken off of work, and then wondered if I'd actually gotten around to telling anyone.  And then I sat at a different chair at a long table for dinner, so never got the food I ordered.  Left wondering if I still had to pay for it (the bill never came), and hungry.  Walking back to our rooms, a co-worker was suddenly there, and she grabbed something out of a display case to eat, I asked if we could do that, she just did it anyway.  (Go ahead and take what you need?)  I woke up before I took any food.  Stumbling around because I wasn't fully awake, but didn't want to be late for work.

Head more clear.  Cold-read, but haven't finished the book.  Trying to face my own issues, so that they don't overtake my head, apparently, I think too much: rumination.  (I wasn't wishing I was anywhere, or with anyone, else.)  Would like to focus on doing something useful in the world.  Much greater issues than mine: feeling used to get back at/gain the attention of someone who wasn't in the room.  His trying to feel something that he can't, doesn't, is not in a place for; that is what it is, the latter is life, not everything is gonna work.  And I think I was too bold, anyway.  Obviously it's the first part that bothers me, feels like sleight-of-hand, had been under the impression it was a date, with me.  And it's true, it bothers me, in general, when you're hanging out with someone, friend/date/family member, and they are checking their phone the whole time (he wasn't doing that), it's the idea of being present with who you are with.  So, what's my issue that this bothers me more than that?  History (shared) and baggage (mine.)  Thought I dealt with this, ugh.  And I guess I need to face it again, now; if not now, I'll have to face it again later.  Do we get good at this? (Edited this at 3 am on Saturday, because I don't feel like writing a different post.  Plus, someone is stomping around downstairs, so, probably not falling back asleep until they stop.  Have to go lead a work party in the morning.)

Still, I do have to take care of myself.  What I want matters too, for me, for any healthy relationship; and I'm not sure what that is.