Mood swings

I think it must be raining.  I'm feeling too lazy to look, plus, it's still dark out.  Woke us yesterday morning feeling the opposite of Sunday, like all the joy had been sucked out, that it was a fluke, that I was played (maliciously or not, and I don't necessarily think it was malicious, but thinking that somehow doesn't make me feel any better.)  Yeah, I get it, life is messy.  I respect that, but I still need to clear my head.  Is it true, was I?  I don't know, I haven't been able to shake the feeling.  Even thinking it sucks, especially if it's not (consciously, meaning: caluculated.  And transactions that look fair on paper "win=win" don't necessarily play out the same, emotions get involved) true.  It makes me feel disloyal, and distrusting...because I gave too much trust, too soon.  And it sucks if it's true, we had just had a conversation about it.

A change in the weather dramatically blew through yesterday afternoon, darkening skies, a big sudden drop in temperature, wind, and pounding rain, and then our usual "one peal of thunder."  Guess it wanted to get our attention.  My coworker came by a little later to say she'd seen a flash of light, and briefly wondered if she'd been hallucinating (she wasn't facing a window), but then heard the thunder, so figured she wasn't.

Another friend who works in the building had found a massive fig tree on his daily walk and came in to throw some at me...they were really good.  I thought the trees were done a month ago.  He says it's loaded still, he knows where all the fruit trees are.

And we mostly ended up rehearsing "Oma Maa" (Sibelius) last night (we have three gigs coming up, all with completely different music); the harmonies give me goosebumps, and the people who sit behind me have gorgeous voices.  It's my favorite piece of music to sing (also, at the very top of my range, so it's hard, too.  And since we don't have the orchestral part, and will have maybe one rehearsal with the conductor, that'll be hard, too.  When we sang "Finlandia" at Benaroya a couple of years ago, I couldn't figure out what the conductor was counting-couldn't see his down beats, and the time signature kept changing-and we were spread out in the audience to sing it, which made it even harder.  At least this time we will be on the stage, together, and facing the conductor.)

The best of it was that in being around him, (aside from that he's funny, he's wicked smart, we have a lot in common, and in general, I enjoy his company) I saw the good in myself, what I bring to the world, and whether he remains a part of my life or not, all those things are still true.  I need to remind myself (constantly) of that, too.

This is me acknowledging that I have feelings, I'll get over it.  (And this has nothing to do with sex.)  In the meantime, life goes on.