Tuesday

Mid-term tomorrow. We've missed so much class, and I've been so unfocused this quarter, I have very little memory of knowing any of this information. Have tickets to a music concert tonight, too. Even if I go, I'll study beforehand somewhere in the neighborhood. I'll get more studying done if I don't go home at any rate.

I'll have to get in all my garden volunteer hours in soon, too, I looked at my schedule yesterday and I have no free time from the middle of July until second week of September. Sometimes I'm a bit nuts, but opportunities arose and I took them. (Which is good, as my previous plans are not panning out.)

And when there is "pie in the sky" and "realistic" how do you negotiate between the two? How do you envision what is possible and not sell yourself short? There are the briefest of moments where windows open up to reach the "pie in the sky" and make them attainable, but once those have closed, are there ever second chances? Then again, this is the land of second chances.

The concert was the Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Center, and even though I don't know squat about chamber music, I enjoyed it. The rest of the audience was enthusiastic as well. I somehow got on a mailing list at some point and was asked to volunteer for shows at the theatre, in exchange I get tickets, which is how I've ended up at these shows, and it's a good trade: I get to see performances I wouldn't otherwise, I couldn't afford to go to them, and I get exposed to a wide variety of artists. On the way home, most of the people sitting near me on the bus were reading actual, paper books. Back to studying, I think I have the verbs, now for everything else.

Slight change of plans

Okay. Just put myself on the ledge for the summer. Might leap and be in over my head, might leap and find out I actually can swim.  Life should scare you a bit (in a good way) sometimes. (I am practicing up to the point where I have to jump. It's not yet.)

Later on Sunday

Addendum to previous post.  There's also the pervasive myth of "talent." And the idea that one can give up on the work by using the excuse that other people have more "talent" than you, or that you don't have talent, when in truth, sure, there's talent, but there's also sweat and passion, and oftentimes the latter two can make up for the lack of the former. (Especially, if one takes talent for granted and doesn't do the work.)

And sure there are things you needed to start early (or have the body type): ballet lessons, gymnastics training, basketball, etc., but even late in life you could still be a weightlifter, a black-belt, a competitive marathoner, an archer, etc. And you could become a writer, a poet, a painter, a photographer, a sculptor, an actor, etc., at any age, body type and child-prodigy status not-withstanding. Daily, people reinvent their lives out of necessity or bravery.

Finding the will to fail

A musician I met on a train once suggested I read "Art and Fear" and it just came up again, so I'll keep looking in the used bookstores, or perhaps the library.  I made something for a bake sale later today and missed going to church, so am reading "Drops Like Stars" by Rob Bell.  He talks about suffering (here it is again, kinda' what I was talking about in the post I think I ended up deleting) and how that bonds us and is the means for growth. I still maintain that we can grow from deep joyful experiences as well. (I'm kinda' tired of suffering.) But he also talks about perfection vs. failure. Which is kinda' my problem, I often feel like things have to be perfect (like being born fully formed out of the head of Zeus) and it paralyzes me into inaction. Where what would be the more useful, productive course would be to try and fail, and yet I am terrified of failing, so I make excuses not to start (exception being cooking). I think I was already timid, and then so beat down when I was wrong when I was younger that I became afraid of trying. And I know I'm not that person anymore. And I know I can have encouragement if I ask for it, or seek out experiences where the other people are secure enough in themselves to offer it to others without feeling threatened by someone else's success. And I'm grateful for "teachers" that have come into my life and said basically, "Yeah, make a fool of yourself. Overdo it. Fail. It's okay. It's how you learn." I digress. The idea is that by trying and failing and then using the failure as an opportunity to grow, even if only in small increments, progress, growth occurs. Whereas if you think you need to be perfect from the get-go (and there is this pervasive myth and focus on that out in the background noise of the world) you don't learn anything.  How can you be perfect at something you have never done before (unless it's beginner's luck?) We really can't be. We see the bright moments (of others), but we rarely glimpse the hours of practice behind them, the sacrifices made to achieve them.  It's better just to start.  And make steps everyday, even if only centimeters forward.  Practice is committment.

Saturday, feeling at peace and therefore blank

The Saturday thoroughfares were empty near lunch. No traffic. Just the sound of  wind through the trees and the clinking of silverware as I walked passed the hopeful restaurants open for business, only no one there to buy lunch. Wafting incense of spices infusing in the oil. The first great weather of the season, and everyone's outside enjoying it. Somewhere else. At the beach. At the park. Watching the boats. But not here.

Morning walk

wire fence between us
sun rising greeting morning
shadows slap my eyes

I can hear my sister's bird outside my window, but do not see it when I look. (There is a type of bird that reminds me of her.  I often encounter them outside where I work.)  Got all the collective writing done last night and shared it with my scene partner, now need to do the individual stuff.

My insomnia seems to have switched to the 4 am hour, is that progress? (There aren't any radio shows I like at 4 am.) Oh, adding to the list: I now need new jeans, as well. (or if not new, a pair without holes.) On a side note, I remember doing everything I could think of to wear-in my first pair of Levi's 501s shrink-to-fits. I think they started to fade at about 6 months to a year (I've only had these for about 6 months). I wore them for 7(!) years, in the end they were cut-offs, and had paint stains from theatre, but they lasted a long, long time.

Back to friends

And friendship is underrated, especially by me in recent months. Reforming now. Good to know if you actually like the person, are compatible, without all the weirdness. (That goes for all of them. Admittedly, I've never been able to go back in the other direction. Will tend to stay as friends. Though maybe I will be different this time, not let the door shut completely.  And I would like to date, I'm just driving myself crazy.) Plus, there's way too much going on right now, I haven't even cooked in about a month, and I like cooking. Just haven't been home. I buy food, and don't eat it unless I take it to work. (Oh, and one of my housemates hates me now because I told him that he couldn't just take things in the kitchen and give them to Goodwill just because he didn't use them. That he couldn't give other people's things away. And that he needed to clean up after himself because his food mess was attracting ants onto the table. I might have not been particularly nice about it. He hasn't spoken to me in a over a month. We got along before, when I was more of a doormat. Anyway, it makes it uncomfortable to be in the kitchen.) There are 8 people living here.

The video project is a lot of work. :)

Have a very, very rare free Thursday evening, think I'll go check out art, and then find somewhere to park myself and bang out all this writing I need to do.  Was supposed to meet up with a friend tonight, but he hasn't gotten back to me, and I really need to write.

May 2

A mi abuela, feliz cumpleaños, donde quiera que estés.  She would have been 111 today. (And near the end of her life here, she spoke only in spanish.)  She was an interesting woman, but not the kind of grandmother that you bake cookies with or have read stories to you.  We are who we are. (She was, however, a fabulous cook.)


Celina at 105 in 2007. El Paso, TX.

Wednesday's bad haiku

Opportunity recedes
lost in accumulation
to be forgotten

Too many syllables. So I guess:

Opportunity
lost, in accumulation
too soon forgotten

Can punctuation be used in haikus?

Feeling blah

It's lovely out, finally warming up. It was chilly yesterday, I wasn't wearing enough clothing, didn't feel like standing and waiting for the bus, so walked 40 blocks home. Ended up missing meeting up with a friend. Planning would be good, it's always last minute. Feeling kinda' blah, trying to get rid of headache through drinking water, see if that actually works. I tend to take too many anti-inflammatories, so trying to cut back.  I relate all too well with this character in the play my scene is from. It's interesting, glad the playwright wrote it down.  I do find myself sympathizing too much with my scene partner's character though, but his behavior really would raise red flags.  The water seems to have gotten rid of the headache, a pleasant surprise.

Sometimes, it would be useful to have a cell phone. (Advantages not out-weighing disadvantages, yet. Maybe I'll look at it again, when I get my bills paid off.) A working camera would be good, too. (And new hiking boots (since I seem to be making a list now); blew them out last night.)