Muddling through

This had been a rough couple of weeks.  Not only all the death and loss, (people I admired, people I knew personally, people close to friends), but communication has been a mess.  A mess.  Some would say that's the Mercury retrograde, perhaps...never had it this bad before.  My levels of frustration have been high, every time there is something new (that I thought had already been taken care of), and I feel like banging my head into my computer (this is now a regular thing), I remind myself that it will all work itself out in the end.  Just feels like a big, tangled mess when I'm in it.

And so it continues...breathe.

Things that have worked themselves out:  got a last minute audition for the film class, and found out I was accepted...so that's happening.  It's funny, I finally decided on a monologue from a play I worked on in college.  Partially, it's because I had it around in my books, and partially, it's because it still resonates with me.  I don't know the reasons for why I got into the class, but I'll work on it (the monologue) more, because I like it.  I have been looking a long time.  Finally got on the email list for the Shakespeare class, so I sorta' know what's going on now.  Didn't apply for the solo thing because the mentor I asked couldn't do it now, and I didn't know who else to ask.  I coulda' pushed harder, I don't know...deadline is today.

I wandered around after working the door at the theatre festival on my birthday.  Went to all the places in the Pike Place Market I've never been to before, up stairs, down random hallways.  I was exploring, and also looking for breakfast.  Finally, opened a door walked up the stairs onto a Bolivian restaurant, and ate there.  My first cheat of the month, I ate flan, and had hot chocolate with rum in it.  Made me a little sick, actually.  Went to art galleries, and then the sculpture park to look at the nurse log, see what was growing on it (don't think I've re-visited it since the park opened back in 2007.)  And to watch the light and shadows play on the Richard Sera sculpture (one of my favorite things in Seattle.)  By the time I got home, and it was time to go back to the theatre, I was too tired to go, so only went to the first night (of four.)  Those plays were good, though.  (14 new plays in 48 hours; seven each night.)

The thing with the sugar.  First, I don't think I've lost any weight, at least I hadn't by last Friday, but my energy is much more stable over the course of the day.  In the past, because my doctors had allowed it the first time, I would let myself have a teaspoon of maple syrup or honey, and I didn't do that this time.  And while I have had some sugar (birthday, a chocolate covered cherry from Trader Joe's, a bite of the free dessert at an Indian restaurant, the unfortunate added sugar in the almond butter - read the labels! ugh), it's been minimal.  I don't miss it.  The only thing I really ever want is a mocha.

I was thinking that I'll eat it if it's there (not presently, but in general.)  It's not always that I want it, but perhaps that I'm hungry, and it's available and/or convenient.  Even a cake from scratch seems simpler to make than something more nutritious...so, I'm eating it because I didn't want to take the time to cook, or deal with the messy kitchen (someone always leaves a mess in the kitchen, and depending on the level of it, I don't always want to clean up before I can even start to cook. It's just part of living with other, autonomous adults, I can't really make them clean up after themselves.  It's not my place to be the authoritarian.  I've come to peace with this, and I'm happier in general, but I still don't want to cook in a dirty kitchen.)

I've also been asking myself, if dessert should not be an every day thing, what do I feel I need to constantly give myself a "reward" for?  And if I need it that much, what should I change about my life so that I don't constantly have that need?  What's missing that I'm trying to fill?

Trying to answer those things, and also, reading this book about habits, the good kind, and how you have to know yourself well, and what your tendencies are.  I'm stuck there.  There are four (Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, and Rebel) and I can kinda' see myself in all of them, though I definitely have a rebellious streak, don't like telling myself what to do, much less having someone else tell me...this is a problem.  (According to the book, knowing this helps to determine why you do what you do, and what you need to do the things you say you want to do, but aren't.)

And from the email I just received (I hadn't received any until today), apparently, I'm behind in the Shakespeare class.  I will catch up, but see above.  One of the things I'm working on: procrastination.

We've been under this river of cloud all morning.  Forecast is for 2 inches of rain...seems to be our new norm: all or nothing.

Wednesday

Monday.  This will be a lot of work.  We need to read "Richard III" and choose a monologue by next week. And I need to find a copy of "The Complete Works."  Been looking through monologues online; don't know why I didn't do this before, it is easier to find something I like and then read the play rather than the other way around.  I am really liking the monologues from "Richard III" though.

We mostly read and discussed meaning in sonnets last night, and talked about monologues.  Not sure why I was so tired when I got home, but I fell asleep as soon as I got there.

Debating if I can handle the film class on top of this one.  It'll be a lot of homework, and time.  But at any rate, I still haven't heard back if I have an audition for it or not, nor what that entails.  I did send my application to the right address, though; I checked.

I do love learning, having my world open wider.

Tuesday.  Found a used copy of "The Complete Works," by William Shakespeare, chose the smaller, non-annotated version, less to be distracted by, and slightly easier to lug around for the next three months.  It's still quite the beast!  My planned date with the vile Richard went south as soon as I got home and proceeded to watch YouTube videos about sociopaths...which thankfully morphed into talks on Buddhism, so  the nightmares were kept at bay, though I did wake up at one point and wonder if I knew any non-sociopaths; and "of course I do," would be the answer. And you know, apologies all around, just not good to think about these things late at night.  I think the way it'll get read will be to go somewhere other than home to read it.  Fewer distractions.

Just got reminded of my needing to respond to working any of the catering gigs, and reminded myself that I need to sign up for some museum gigs, because I had said I would.  Time gets away, and the off-schedule (off of the normal routine of things) of the holidays really threw me off, in a good way.  Working at a theatre thing this weekend.

Five + days off of sugar (and alcohol.)  Find I have to keep aware to not accidentally fall into old patterns and unthinkingly buy a mocha or something.  Plus it's season of the post-holiday parade of snacks that people want out of their homes coming into the office.

Will have to take a temporary break from the newly re-acquainted errant knight to focus on Shakespeare.  (Interesting that the two most influential writers to modern western literature died on the same day, and 400 years ago.  It's all there.)

Monday and it is not snowing here

Sunday.  Guess I should at least get up and go get coffee.  I need to go pay a bill, and am trying to decide where to do that.  The Weather Underground lists a snow alert between 3:15-4:15 pm today.  Rain in nine minutes.  (Actually, it started snowing around 1 pm, didn't stick.) Walked halfway around the lake, caught a bus Downtown to pay a bill, caught same bus back to original stop and resumed walking.  Promptly (and inexplicably) slipped on an icy sidewalk.  It had been above freezing all day, and there was no ice around it (and it was not visible in any way.)  Woman in front of me slipped as well, but I didn't actually see it.  She mentioned it after I slipped.

 I went out for a walk just before 9 am yesterday, and returned home from it as the sun was setting.  Took a detour to the zoo.  It was sunny and cold, so just not overly motivated to be cold again.
Also, have been inspired to begin "Don Quixote" at last, and have started it.  I like it, but I get all emotional about the idea, something about Spain, I guess.  The first time I went to Spain, it was the 400th anniversary of "Don Quixote," and there were public readings of it all over the place - billboards, tv, etc.  (Still reading Shakespeare, a variety of other books, finishing "David Copperfield," and writing.)  Pretty much all I did over the break was walk, and a little bit of cooking.  Never did sort through anything.  I find I have an amazing ability to do absolutely nothing at all.

And one new thing is Shakespeare; finally taking a class.  (And I'm day 4, no sugar - also, no alcohol, but not much temptation there.  I might drop wheat and dairy after my birthday.  I bought cheese on New Year's Eve, and I need to finish it.)  And still waiting to see if my application was received for the film class, always possible I sent it to the wrong address.

I'm out of practice.  I need a monologue.  Hit the ground running.

A New Start

First picture of the year, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

A new year dawns clear and sunny (and freezing.)  I looked at the clock and thought, "Well, I can go for a walk before the Farmer's Market."  Walking toward the lake some bit later, it did dawn on me that it's actually Friday and not Saturday; and then felt the double joy of not having to be anywhere in particular, and of the first day of a long weekend.

The water was a clear, glossy mirror.  The warm light of the rising sun, cast an orange glow.  The ground was covered in a hard frost, long shadows laid out before me: trees, buildings, people, me.  Ice formed in patches along the shoreline, and someone had tossed yellow mums across, petals strewn.

Someone left flowers, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

I started walking, I looked up and the air was full of swirling gulls, large-winged bird among them: a Bald Eagle.  The happily waddling Mallards made a dash to the water, and an explosion of ducks ran for cover.  The eagle landed in a tall tree and sat there, observing the houses opposite the lake.  Two crows cawed from nearby trees, too cold to make more of an effort.  Further on, N. Shovelers in a tight group, circle, beaks in the water, dredging up food.  The sun brings a little warmth, but my fingers are freezing, even with two pairs of gloves.

I gave up alcohol and sugar for the month, starting today.  I'm staring down this box of chocolate someone in my office gave me for Christmas, I don't think I actually really like the ones that are left.  Had been happy to find they included lemon/dark chocolate ones (and I've already eaten those), probably my all-time favorite (along with salted chocolate), it's an odd choice, and they had no idea I liked it.  I should probably get it further away from me.  Some things are habit.

Had meant to go through the boxes again last night, but didn't.  Didn't really do anything.  I heard the fireworks go off at midnight, so, at least I was awake.  I have washed everything that was cloth.  There is a lingering smell of mildew on everything else, which sorta' sealed the deal for me to recycle it...the smell did wash out of the clothes, but I'm still giving them away.  I was waiting for the recycling bin to get emptied, but lost steam.

Turned in an application for one of the things, called about another, but at the moment, everything is in limbo.  I'm okay with that.  They are not the only choices.  Everything feels wide open...it's the sun and the long weekend.

The rising sun, January 1/L Herlevi 2016

Happy New Year!

Thursday

Off of social media for a while.

Christmas Day, December 25/L Herlevi 2015

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

Seattle, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Waiting.  So much more to do, so much I haven't gotten done, and part of my head basically screaming, and part of me calm and methodical: what gets done, gets done.  I'm waiting for laundry.  I have four hours until I have to go to rehearsal for singing tonight, and after that, driving.  (Which seems fine, so far.)

I woke up in the early morning, coughing.  Decided I should take the cough medicine, but needed to take that with food, so went down to find something to eat, ran into my housemate in the dark kitchen: we scared each other.  He was making soup as I rummaged through the fridge for cheese, said something about a midnight snack, but it was almost 4 am.  Thought the medicine would leave me groggy, but I'm fine.  Looked out the window just before going back to sleep and somehow convinced myself there was snow falling, so ran downstairs and walked outside: only rain, not nearly cold enough.  Someone was waiting across the street with a dog, a car pulled over and picked her up: travel.  But no snow.  No rain so far today, either.

My boss' boss heard me coughing and suggested I go to the doctor, so I did.  Not contagious, but she gave me prescriptions to calm my lungs down.  Walking Downtown to the bus stop after, decided to check out the gingerbread houses at the Sheraton, waited for close to an hour to view six pieces based on the Episodes I-VI of Star Wars.  The mood was festive and the pieces were cool.  Went to Pacific Place to see how it was decorated, walked into hear carolers singing and then the nightly "snowfall" so I stayed to see what that was.  It's like little sudsy drops, not sure what it's made of, doesn't seem to leave any residue.  It was packed, people were happy.  It was nice, I was trying to feel more "Christmas-y."  (Now I'm listening to the Christmas-music station.)

Episode IV, Sheraton, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Episode VI, Sheraton Hotel, December 21/L Herlevi 2015

Yesterday, mid-day, the air was cold and damp, high rain clouds, the smallest of raindrops spitting down, but not overly gloomy, a wind picking up, made me want to be in some port city in England...also makes me happy, expectant for something good.  Feel like I need to go to a beach somewhere.  I still have errands to run.

Rushing back to work, air colder, increasing gloom, two women stop me, I say that I need to get back to work, they ask if they can sing me a carol, so I stop.  Say "yes," and listen as they sing "Silent Night" for me.  A moment of shared stillness, before rushing off again.

Went to Larson's (a Scandanavian bakery) to get some bread, forgot where it was, so parked and walked, a little confused by a lack of traffic; it's always a zoo on Christmas Eve.  After wandering a few blocks, realized I must be in the wrong neighborhood, and drove to the right one.  Not as ridiculous as last year (and I kinda' like it), I grabbed a number (only 27 ahead of me) and walked over to the fish shop to get something for Christmas dinner.  By the time I walked back in, they were on my number.  A little boy was excitedly pointing out the snowman Christmas cookies to me, his nose pressed up against the glass case.  The Danish Kringle's were flying out the door.  Someone said they bake 1,000/day and can't keep the table stacked.  (I bought cardamom bread, closest thing to Finnish pulla.)

More to follow.  Time to check the laundry.

Tuesday, Move Done

Well, when one's hand is finally forced...one does what needs to get done.  And in the end, it was only a car load of stuff, but been dreading it for a while.  Recycled three boxes worth.  Dumped everything into the living room so I had to deal with it.  Enjoyed looking through all the photos, and reading old letters, and even old college papers...I was more articulate than I remember.  Also, found some old Maria Irene Fornes' scripts from theatre class, do not remember being assigned those at all.  Surprised.  Anyway, it's all upstairs now, but somehow it's more organized than before, only I can't really get into my closet at the moment.  And at one point I was trying to play the drums, so that still has to be moved here; he's bringing the kick by tomorrow, but that's the end of it.

I feel grimy.  All the boxes have been in a damp basement for eight (!) years.  Many of the photos were sticking together, but otherwise didn't seem damaged in any way.  Got a surprising amount done today; I suppose I was focused because I had to be.

I took off today, went for a short walk in the morning: cold and gloomy.  Moody.  Reminded me of my first winter in Seattle.  Was living in a house in Wallingford, it was just before Christmas.  Used to walk into the U-District and sit on the floor of the aisles in B. Dalton (I think) it was, and read Dylan Thomas poems.  I remember it being cold and gray, and I was working at Toys R Us at South Center, swing shift, so my mornings were free.  I had just dropped out of college because I couldn't pay tuition, and I owed back tuition.  (I'd somehow talked the school into letting me stay one final quarter without actually paying for it, including room and board.  I was ballsy, because I didn't know what else to do.  They gave me almost a year to pay it back.)  Don't remember if it snowed that year; just cold and gray, like now.  I only stayed here for a few months, on April Fool's Day I was offered a job up in Bellingham that had free room and board for six months, so I took it.  (My life has changed several times on April Fool's Day; generally for the better.  That's why I remember it.)

Here's an attempt to capture the moodiness of the day.  Also, the Hellebores were in bloom; about two months early.

Heron, December 15/L Herlevi 2015

Moody, December 15/L Herlevi 2015

Greenlake, December 15/L Herlevi, 2015

Early Bloom, December 15/L Herlevi, 2015

Light at the end of the tunnel

The rain is hitting the window now, and I'm sitting here coloring.  We just had our last Finnish engagement for the season tonight (concert and dinner, for which we got the compliment that it was the nicest one we'd done), so we're off until January.  Our concert on Monday got double-booked, so we rescheduled for some time in the winter.

I have a lot to get through in the next week: moving out of a friend's basement (because that finally has to happen for real, and I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of that stuff, I don't need it); two events I have to provide food for; figure out what I'm doing for Christmas and arrange for that (and see if I can actually drive a car, I haven't tried since I hurt my hip, it's the braking that's the issue); possible audition; applications for a couple of projects I want to do (but I have to decide if I want to do them, and ask people if they will help); I think most of the stress is from the moving, it probably won't be as bad as I'm making it out to be, but I don't know where I'm gonna put it all until I can find places to take it all.

Went to watch/listen to six plays (in development) last night.  They were all interesting, but the last three were particularly strong, and part of that was the directors used staging.  One of those had a little too much dialogue for me (I zoned out), but the subject matter across the board was intriguing (a vague interview, a protest, an encounter on a ferry dock, a return home, a fairy tale, a final Thanksgiving), and the actors were great (particularly in the ferry, protest, and interview excerpts; those three had more active direction than the others.  And I've decided that I like it; also, from trying to create work this past year, I think seeing it moving onstage like that helps with the reworking of the words on the page.)

I've been watching Buster Keaton clips/movies this week.  Both to see how to write a script/screenplay without dialogue, and on the flipside, to watch how to perform without the use of words.  As an actor, I prefer words, and as a clown I prefer not having words, and I'm trying to get around both those things.  I think I'm using them both as a crutch in each situation, and yet most of the stuff I've been collaborating on lately is wordless: words seem superfluous in those cases.  You just really have to know where you want to go and be clear with it.  It's good practice.

(Oh, and someone gifted me with French-language cd's, ostensibly for going to Quebec, but perhaps I'll change the dialogue in the solo piece into French for when I'm in France.  I haven't decided.  But hopefully my pronunciation will improve.)

Back to coloring.

Another rainy Saturday and now I'm hibernating

The rain is pounding on the roof again.  Dodging obligations, watching movies on YouTube.  Went to a show at On the Boards last night, "Predator Songstress" by Degenerate Art Ensemble.  As someone else pointed out, it was a performance with a narrative, I guess I'm not the only one that notices.  A dystopian fairy tale, of a totalitarian world where all words are controlled (by a group of men), and individuality (voice) is removed (mostly from women) like dust, bottled and sealed up for some future use, probably by the State.  A woman wanders collecting stories and songs, she is arrested, tried, sentenced, and silenced.  She escapes and joins a rebellion, her brother is captured by the State and sentenced to die for aiding her.  She gets her voice back in screams.  There were only six performers on stage, two dancers, and four musicians.  All the other characters and imprisonment were projected on a screen at the back of the stage and on panels.  Stories were gathered from audience members and included in song and projection after the intermission.  It was good.  I'm not sure what I have to say about it, I'm running on fumes at the moment, except that here again is the idea of "who controls the narrative?"  Who shapes the conversation?  Who ultimately decides the future course by how they frame the message, how much fear (or not) is doled out on the masses?  Who won here in the end?  She got her voice back, but did the rebellion conquer the State or was it a momentary victory in a longer battle?  The narrative ended there, so it's in our imagination to decide.

Anyway, didn't get much sleep.  Got up early to meet a friend (and another of her friends) to work on a screenplay for a short film.  Was there until almost 1 pm, by which point I was running solely on caffeine and a donut, as I hadn't eaten since 6 pm last night, and that wasn't much.  I finally left to run an errand, a gift for a baby shower (for the parents.)  It was cold.  And pouring.  Cold in the coffee shop, colder outside.  On the bus, a woman sitting slightly above me, in a side-facing seat, crunched on something just above my head.  It was slightly louder than the raindrops hitting the roof; I kept wondering if crumbs would cover my head in the end.  Never did figure out what she was eating.

At the market, hardly anyone shopped, it was close to closing.  The odd deluge from the tents poured down one after another as I walked down between the vendors.  I bought some bread and asked about whether the vendor would have any stollen next week, he explained he would be on vacation for the next three weeks.  As I started to walk away (I didn't have any cash) he stopped me and handed me a loaf (for free.)  I was trying to stuff it down my jacket to keep it dry and another vendor waved me under their tent and out of the rain.  Got soaked (and really cold feet) walking home.  I could pretty much see through my jacket.  I guess I hadn't expected it to rain so much, it wasn't raining when I left my house.  The streets near my house have turned into ponds, waves wash over the sidewalks and back onto the pavement with every passing car.  Soon ducks will be swimming there.

I tried to warm up with a shower, but the hot water made one of my feet start to burn unbearably, so that was as non-starter.  Guess it was cold.  Walked down to do laundry, dressed enough for housemates, not enough for guests, and ran into my landlord, who told me a new person was moving in.  I swear there is some trickster element in my relations with him. (I also recently sent him an inappropriate text on accident late at night, when I read it after I was appalled.  Somehow the word "physical" got into a text about a smoke detector, I have no idea how), and now I'm running into him half-dressed, although, in my defense, it is my house, and he's supposed to give fair warning.  But still, chalk it up to another clown moment.

I hope the concept for the film works.  There were a couple moments in the middle we hadn't quite worked out.

Tuesday

Taking off, November 28/L Herlevi 2015

Haven't had much to say.  Trying to imagine how my life could be different, what I'd need to change, how that would feel, what it would look like.  Overwhelming, and yet...if I look into the future, do I want things to go along the same path they are on?  No.  And the motivation is stronger at the moment, than it has been, so making attempts.  Trying to choose with my eyes open rather than closed. (Active vs. passive.)  That on top of everything that has to be done.  And it doesn't have to be everything all at once, one thing would be enough.  Trying to keep choosing out of love and not fear.  The good thing is, we get to choose over, though the more we act out of fear, the deeper the consequences we have to deal with.  There are always repercussions, even from "not" making a choice.

Finally went out and bought new shoes.  Seems superficial, I suppose, but I've needed them for a while, my feet get wet every time I step outside, if the ground is even slightly damp (and I actually had to ask myself, "Are there actually shoes that are made to not be worn outside?  Why would that be?  These are boots, presumably people wear those outside, so, why do my socks get wet through the soles?"  Curious.)  Anyway, went to DSW, and that place is overwhelming.  Narrowed it down, and then kept trying on the six or so pair trying to imagine what I'd wear them with, and if they were practical in anyway.  Must've been in there for hours, left my house just before 11 am, and caught a bus home just before 6 pm.  There was already a heavy frost on the ground.  (And there are a lot of awful covers of Wham's "Last Christmas."  Just saying.  Must've heard five.)

The Finnish Choir has six or seven gigs over the course of a week-and-a-half.  And I have an audition coming up.  Over the weekend, I'd actually thought it was tonight and was panicking, as I wasn't ready for it.  I had the day wrong.  Still not ready, but I have time.  Need to look into the Shakespeare class, too, see what the audition requirement is.

I took a five-day weekend for the holiday.  We had beautiful (but very cold, for here, anyway) weather the whole time.  I'm happy for the return of the rain, though.  It's cleared out the air.  Am enjoying breathing without feeling like I'm hacking up a lung.  Feeling exhausted from that.