Too much

Too little time,  Not much to say. 

I feel really tense, I can feel it in my spine.  One of the housemates is becoming more and more of a nightmare to live with.  When I walked up to the house, the air smelt heavy of gasoline and there were food scraps strewn in the yard (which will attract rats), and he rips up the messages that the landlord leaves for all the tenants...not appropriate.  Will have to ask people not to smoke in the back until the gas clears. 

We started on scenework tonight.  So we now have to make appointments with that partner as well as the one from this week's exercise.  Exercise partner and I need to come up with a relationship and I need to find the time to get the stuff for my task, and make it.  We're stretching this week's exercises over a more than two classes, so conceivably I could wait, but I can't really count on it.  I didn't have a point of view on our last moment or our relationship...that's true enough.  I am conflicted in that I feel like I'm "acting" if I bring that in, and use that to color how I react to partner.  How can I explain that better?  I feel like doing that wouldn't be responding to my partner as me (the person in the room) but rather as a character I've put "on" me.  Can we do that?  This is so confusing to me now.  But whichever, I'm feeling lost and unanchored on stage, kinda' like I did in scene study class if I didn't have a specific physical task to do.  I feel like a lump.  I think I'm making the relationship too ambiguous and that might be part of my problem.  When he kissed me, I wasn't sure how to react, because I hadn't really thought the whole thing out, so not sure if I should be bothered by it or not.  I was coming into the room to let him know that I was leaving.  I should pick his brain on how he balances everything (task, relationship, last moment.)

I guess I don't know how to carry all the imaginary circumstances and still react as "me" to whatever my partner is giving me.  Since the circumstances are "imaginary" not actual, how can that affect my reactions?  There was a transition in class, and it's blurry for me about where we are; when we do chair work, it's the two people sitting there reacting to each other, nothing else affecting that. When we do the exercises, we are more than just that...how much more?  This is where I'm stuck.  This confusion is why I'm dropping out (of the moment, not the class.)  I am reacting as me or...?  I don't even no how to ask the question, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm stuck there.

This exercise in reading the text in a monotone, without punctuation or capitalization or inflection, is exhausting.  Makes me feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  Will have to figure out a better way of breathing for it, I feel like with every syllable I'm pushing out a lot of breath, like panting.  On the bright side, I understand it.

It's no longer Sunday.  Should return the car.

Where is our worth?

Happy.  Saw family for lunch.  Spent most of the day driving, took an alternate road home, and missed out on a traffic jam.  Beautiful sunset, if far too early (4 pm.)

I was thinking while driving, deciding to stand up for myself against the voices in my head. Yes, I'm bad with money (I give it away so easily), I am horribly disorganized, and I often drag my feet to change.  Those things are true.  But it's also true that if I love you (and oftentimes, even if I don't) I will go to the carpet for you; I look at the world; I listen, I'll listen to you, I'll hear you; I've got a big heart; I'm compassionate; I give a damn about the underdog; I'm funny; I'm interesting; I look at the big picture; I'm usually (not always, I'm human) fair; I try to see the good in other people; I'm intelligent; and I'm willing (sometimes grudgingly) to change my mind. 

I mention this because I've valued my (lack) of money over what I do offer, thinking all other qualities were inferior.  And while I hate not having money, that might always be the case, and my value as a human being who adds something to the world can't be dependant on that, or I'll never have value.  And it's cruel to judge myself and hold myself back based on only that when I wouldn't do that to someone else.  We all have worth simply by the fact that we exist.

Just a thought.

Thinking about writing

Curled up in the chairs in the common area, and in between napping, I re-read the Natalie Goldberg pages from Writing Down the Bones.  Talking about her years of journals which she allowed a friend to read.

"I've been reading your notebooks all weekend.  They are so intimate; so scared, insecure for pages, then suddenly they are not you-just raw energy and wild mind.  And now here you are - Natalie - in the flesh, just a person.  It feels so Funny."  I feel good because I don't care that she sees how I really am.  I'm glad.  I want someone to know me.  We walk through so many myths of each other and ourselves; we are so thankful when someone sees us for who we are and accepts us...We have to look at our own inertia, insecurities, self-hate, fear that, in truth, we have nothing valuable to say.  It is true that when we begin anything new, resistances fly in our face.  Now you have the opportunity to not run or be tossed away, but to look at them black and white on paper and see what their silly voices say...If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you. - Artistic Stability from Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldberg.

It's a strange feeling to know that anybody at all reads this.  Sometimes I get self-conscious, worry about being judged, worry even more when I think about censoring myself for fear of what people might think of me...and then I write anyway, whatever happens to come out of my head and through my fingers.  Sometimes it makes me cringe, but I'll leave it up anyway.  It was truth at the moment, if nothing else.  Sometimes when you sift through all the compost (as she calls it) something unexpected emerges.  Those moments are always worth it.

Friday

Cold, waiting for the bus.  Breath rising in a slow exhale, just so I can watch it dissipate.  The sun hasn't yet risen above the horizon; moon still high in the blue sky, but on the westward decline; one chasing the other across the open expanse.  The snowy mountains glowing pink in the warm morning light.  A crow caws insistently, flying over me and northward, joining other crows.  Flocks of pigeons turn sharply in unison, flashing sun then shadows across their bodies.  Waiting.  Behind me, a birch tree, bottom in dull color, middle in monotone silhouette, the very top, where it reaches above the rooflines, glowing gold.  The crows return, in close pursuit of a hawk, a languid, half effort, more for the sport of it than an actual battle.  Then the bus arrives.

So much to do, so little time to get it done.  Concert is actually this weekend, rather than next.  Got loaned a new dress, but will have to find time to hem it.  I haven't tried it on yet, I hope it fits.  The more I think about my task for this week, the more it becomes about someone else (than who I thought it was about), slightly surprised it's got this much "juice" in it.  So much left unresolved.  Brushed over.  I'm questioning everything.  Such a long time ago...so is it love or revenge?  No neutrality there.  None at all.

I think I know what I'm doing this week, except for the second relationship and what I know about him in that circumstance.  I wonder how many times I'll change my mind?  Seems strange to have any sorta' certainty about anything.

Nothing remotely boring about life right now...still, sometimes I just want a nap.

Permission to feel big emotions

Received unexpected encouragement, reading it makes me cry...thinking about it makes me cry.

This has come up before, but I was thinking about all the censors to our emotions, how people tell you when you're sad or worse, that you are "having first-world problems" or someone has it worse than you.  Completely dismissing you, as if because you live here, you have no right to have any emotions, you must go through life as a robot.  You can't be happy or joyful, because you're "rubbing it into" someone who is not.  You can't celebrate yourself or your successes, unless you overcame some horrible situation, then we give each other permission to be happy or ecstatic.  If you cry over an injustice, you're being a victim.  If you're angry, you've gone off the deep end.  (Lucky are the people who have someone in their life who lets them feel their emotions fully.)  And so, we stop ourselves before someone else does, in fear of what someone else will say or think about us.

This morning, I was trying to find a situation that I could be ecstatic over and I kept finding myself damping it down...out of reflex.  And I'm supposed to do it here, no one's judging me for going there.  It's acceptable.  Children do it instinctively until we socialize them out of it, and then once they become adults, they spend the rest of theirs lives trying to get back in touch with it.  A lifetime of "NO's" standing in the way on one "YES!"

Insomnia

Have given up trying to fall back asleep.  Woke up at 4 am again, partially the tea I drank last night, partially, I'm thinking too much.  My nerves get the best of me, and I can't drop into the circumstances, so again, didn't work.  She said to fantasize like a 5-year old, to ask a lot of questions.  I think I know what I want to do next, and I'm gonna spend more time journalling and thinking about the person at the center of it, make it really solid, see if that helps.  I still don't know how to drop into the circumstances, and it's one off the main reasons I chose to do this program, everyone else seems to be able to walk into the room in some sorta' emotional state, I don't know how.  I'll have to ask again, otherwise, I'm just getting left behind.  And some of the fantasy stuff just gets so absurd (which might be the point of thinking like a 5-year old) that I don't have a clue how I would pull it off, much less come up with it.

What makes some people get so under your skin while others never do?  I could go for revenge or affection (with several people, actually.)  I've got some trepidation of working with my partner as well, and that's also kept me awake.  Even though the likelihood of him physically hurting me is close to nil, I'm afraid of it anyway.  Both the relationship set-up and the added circumstance (person in the room knows, absolutely, something about the person entering) could make it really volatile.  And whether it should or not, that scares the shit out of me.  In class, it'll be okay, she'll call "no physical contact."  Emotionally, for me though, a really terrifying place to go.  Still, I can't avoid it if I want to act, it's all over the place.  Maybe it will be therapeutic.  Still, I'm afraid.  It's the chaos.

While last night's partner and I were still debriefing, everyone dove into the food I made (task was to throw a dinner party for my sister to celebrate her having her world music book published.)  Thankfully, I don't think that's what gave me food poisoning, I ate some when I got home, and I feel okay.  I'm glad it got eaten, I didn't need to eat nine eggs. (It was a take on a Spanish tortilla, bread, chocolate...I hadn't gotten to the rest of it.)  I should have thought more about our given relationship, it was too wishy-washy in my head, and it made me closed off to him during the exercise.  She later said that I shouldn't have let him in the door.  Good to know that's an option.  (Ex-lover who dumped me but wanted to still be close, last moment was that he came to my birthday party but left early to go see another woman, and now he's showing up at my door.  I hadn't wanted to break up.  And now he's in my house demanding my attention while I'm trying to get ready for a party.)  All in repetition, no "I" statements, having to put everything back on the other person.  In hindsight, "you make me want to tell you to leave," is perfectly legitimate; or if I wanted to fight to get him back, "you make me want to throw you down on the couch right now."  But what I was feeling was, "how dare you come to my house now and demand my attention after blowing me off for some other woman."  Which in the end was too ambiguous, and should have resulted in my not letting him in the house in the first place.  Have to stop being "gracious," no need for it on stage.  Doesn't serve the work.

Addendum

Groovy. I have food poisoning.

One left for the quarter after today

Got up at 5 am to make this thing for the task, as I took a nap when I got home last night and then didn't feel like doing anything else.  Took three hours from the time I started 'til I got out the door.  Again, one of those days where I need to figure out how I'm going to get to class: I'm carrying a lot.  My fantasies are too pedestrian right now, totally not big enough.  I really should do a revenge task, just can't think of anything when I try, because it's not something we are supposed to do in real life, and the censor is pretty strong on that, for me.

Both of us have had similar feedback, so it's always interesting to see how it will play out.  I don't know when he's coming to the door, and neither of us have a clue what each other's state of mind will be when I open the door, and you know, that's fun.  Will try to be totally present (which is the point and somehow also the struggle), let it go where it will.  Maybe it's okay that I'm in a "laughing" phase as opposed to an "angry" phase...it's all legitimate, if it's genuine. (Really concerned about not coming across "robotically," and I think that takes me out of the present.  I tend to get almost manic with him, so keeping my fingers crossed that it's more that way than the other.)

So, the horoscope(s) today collectively said the following things, in various places: "Trust a partner's suggestion; Make a fool of yourself if necessary; Why is more important than what; and Are you acting out of obligation, artistic expression, affection or compassion? Your results will change with your intention."  Is everybody studying Meisner now?  Totally applies, but also, good general advice for life.

Ooh, just thought of a revenge task.

Missing rehearsal

And we have a show in a couple of weeks (singing.)  Maybe I'll go over the music tonight.  Just running late coming home.  Doctor appointment, then stopped by library to see if they had the Bill Esper book there (they did not have a physical copy there, but put a hold on one), and then finished getting the stuff for my task tomorrow (which I now need to make.)

Thankful that while brushing my teeth earlier, I suddenly was able to connect in my heart with the person I'm doing my task for; thankful that whenever I shut my eyes on the bus, my mind takes off to previously unknown realms of the imagination; and thankful for the Spaniard that flirted with me over a very mundane conversation and then blew a kiss at me when he walked away saying, "Ciao!"  Another silly rom-com moment that brightened my day.

Monday morning

My head and my heart have closed up in protest: nothing going in, nor coming out.  Overwhelmed and panicked with too much information.  Trying to think about the person my task is about.  Nope.  Nada.  I can't really think about anything meaningful.  Should find something mindless to do for a while.  Really, truly, blank.  Every time I try, there's a push back from my brain.  No, no, no, no, no.

What are the conditions needed to encourage imagination?  Or is it a much needed break?  Outside, it's wet in a fully enveloping way.  Inside, the radiators are on full, and I'm feeling a little sleepy, a little dull.

At some point (Friday? Saturday?) I put frozen fish in the fridge to thaw.  For the life of me, I don't remember when, though I remember who else was in the room.  I cooked it this morning, didn't smell off.  Keeping my fingers crossed that it's still okay.  Not a good day for food poisoning.  The regulars (crows) knew I was cooking, sat on the wire and waited: I gave them the salmon skin, eventually.  They seemed pleased with that.  I like that they visit, and I like being on their good side.  I can't seem to keep my thoughts straight.  Should start keeping a better list, one I can keep track of.

Not yet discouraged, but I'm sitting here calmly, and yet, completely overwhelmed. 

The only real choice is to keep trying.