Insomnia

Have given up trying to fall back asleep.  Woke up at 4 am again, partially the tea I drank last night, partially, I'm thinking too much.  My nerves get the best of me, and I can't drop into the circumstances, so again, didn't work.  She said to fantasize like a 5-year old, to ask a lot of questions.  I think I know what I want to do next, and I'm gonna spend more time journalling and thinking about the person at the center of it, make it really solid, see if that helps.  I still don't know how to drop into the circumstances, and it's one off the main reasons I chose to do this program, everyone else seems to be able to walk into the room in some sorta' emotional state, I don't know how.  I'll have to ask again, otherwise, I'm just getting left behind.  And some of the fantasy stuff just gets so absurd (which might be the point of thinking like a 5-year old) that I don't have a clue how I would pull it off, much less come up with it.

What makes some people get so under your skin while others never do?  I could go for revenge or affection (with several people, actually.)  I've got some trepidation of working with my partner as well, and that's also kept me awake.  Even though the likelihood of him physically hurting me is close to nil, I'm afraid of it anyway.  Both the relationship set-up and the added circumstance (person in the room knows, absolutely, something about the person entering) could make it really volatile.  And whether it should or not, that scares the shit out of me.  In class, it'll be okay, she'll call "no physical contact."  Emotionally, for me though, a really terrifying place to go.  Still, I can't avoid it if I want to act, it's all over the place.  Maybe it will be therapeutic.  Still, I'm afraid.  It's the chaos.

While last night's partner and I were still debriefing, everyone dove into the food I made (task was to throw a dinner party for my sister to celebrate her having her world music book published.)  Thankfully, I don't think that's what gave me food poisoning, I ate some when I got home, and I feel okay.  I'm glad it got eaten, I didn't need to eat nine eggs. (It was a take on a Spanish tortilla, bread, chocolate...I hadn't gotten to the rest of it.)  I should have thought more about our given relationship, it was too wishy-washy in my head, and it made me closed off to him during the exercise.  She later said that I shouldn't have let him in the door.  Good to know that's an option.  (Ex-lover who dumped me but wanted to still be close, last moment was that he came to my birthday party but left early to go see another woman, and now he's showing up at my door.  I hadn't wanted to break up.  And now he's in my house demanding my attention while I'm trying to get ready for a party.)  All in repetition, no "I" statements, having to put everything back on the other person.  In hindsight, "you make me want to tell you to leave," is perfectly legitimate; or if I wanted to fight to get him back, "you make me want to throw you down on the couch right now."  But what I was feeling was, "how dare you come to my house now and demand my attention after blowing me off for some other woman."  Which in the end was too ambiguous, and should have resulted in my not letting him in the house in the first place.  Have to stop being "gracious," no need for it on stage.  Doesn't serve the work.