Too much

Too little time,  Not much to say. 

I feel really tense, I can feel it in my spine.  One of the housemates is becoming more and more of a nightmare to live with.  When I walked up to the house, the air smelt heavy of gasoline and there were food scraps strewn in the yard (which will attract rats), and he rips up the messages that the landlord leaves for all the tenants...not appropriate.  Will have to ask people not to smoke in the back until the gas clears. 

We started on scenework tonight.  So we now have to make appointments with that partner as well as the one from this week's exercise.  Exercise partner and I need to come up with a relationship and I need to find the time to get the stuff for my task, and make it.  We're stretching this week's exercises over a more than two classes, so conceivably I could wait, but I can't really count on it.  I didn't have a point of view on our last moment or our relationship...that's true enough.  I am conflicted in that I feel like I'm "acting" if I bring that in, and use that to color how I react to partner.  How can I explain that better?  I feel like doing that wouldn't be responding to my partner as me (the person in the room) but rather as a character I've put "on" me.  Can we do that?  This is so confusing to me now.  But whichever, I'm feeling lost and unanchored on stage, kinda' like I did in scene study class if I didn't have a specific physical task to do.  I feel like a lump.  I think I'm making the relationship too ambiguous and that might be part of my problem.  When he kissed me, I wasn't sure how to react, because I hadn't really thought the whole thing out, so not sure if I should be bothered by it or not.  I was coming into the room to let him know that I was leaving.  I should pick his brain on how he balances everything (task, relationship, last moment.)

I guess I don't know how to carry all the imaginary circumstances and still react as "me" to whatever my partner is giving me.  Since the circumstances are "imaginary" not actual, how can that affect my reactions?  There was a transition in class, and it's blurry for me about where we are; when we do chair work, it's the two people sitting there reacting to each other, nothing else affecting that. When we do the exercises, we are more than just that...how much more?  This is where I'm stuck.  This confusion is why I'm dropping out (of the moment, not the class.)  I am reacting as me or...?  I don't even no how to ask the question, I'm not sure what it is, but I'm stuck there.

This exercise in reading the text in a monotone, without punctuation or capitalization or inflection, is exhausting.  Makes me feel like I'm going to hyperventilate.  Will have to figure out a better way of breathing for it, I feel like with every syllable I'm pushing out a lot of breath, like panting.  On the bright side, I understand it.

It's no longer Sunday.  Should return the car.