Picture

Came home and started cleaning and missed choir rehearsal (again).  Suddenly needed to get out of house, so went to a staged reading a friend had invited me to.  She wasn't there, but I knew a couple of other people, one of whom ended up driving me home which was cool of her, it was after 10 pm and it would have been a couple of miles to walk.

I think the house is where he lived.  They invited me to see it on Sunday.  Might be awkward...don't know.  Ahhh.  Oh, well.  In the meantime, here's a tree picture.  Blossoms are hanging in there.


Path/L Herlevi 2014

New quarter, sun is shining

Class started up again, out of the gate sprinting.  Lots of work.  Lots of reading.  Some plays I need to try to track down.  We need 15-minute, two-person scenes and I've realized that in a couple of the plays I've been looking at, there always seems to be someone walking in, so maybe not usable.  I should probably look at two-person plays.  We did a cold-reading thing at the end of class last night, got "The Lion in Winter," might look more at that, though I'm not sure how old Eleanor is.  Also, since we only have five men and eight women, need to find some good two-women scenes.  Maybe I'll look at "The Children's Hour" again.  Just needs to be balanced, character-wise.  We also have a nursery-rhyme group project, an emotional memory assignment, scenes from "Hedda" or "Miss Julie" among others.

We sang that swoon-worthy arrangement of the 23rd Psalm yesterday.  Eye-rolling in the back of the head good, I wish we had a reason to sing it again, but onto the next thing.  Another lesson in letting things go.  Just contacted a place where I possibly dated someone, unsure...I don't know.  I don't think we are on bad terms.  A little weird, but totally affordable.  Yesterday, I heard back from someone explaining that what they were renting was actually a hallway.  A hallway.  $500.  We need rent control.  Someone figured that you need to make around $21/hr to actually afford to live here.  I also checked low-income apartments, I did a calculation to see if I was eligible.  I am, but the apartments are $750-$850/month for a studio (more than a third of my income.)  It's not much different than any other studio.  It's getting kinda' scary.  People need to be able to live somewhere, and I don't mean stacked up in "pod" apartments like a bunch of gerbils.  It's greed.

Other thought on the art thing

The bigger art issue (in building an audience, as in other things), is of course our dualistic (at the society level) thinking that we can only move in one direction, that we have to have polar opposites where one side wins and one side loses, and in case of schools (for example) we push for more math and science at the expense of the arts, so we're also not growing that general appreciation for the arts across the board from an early age.  We say it doesn't have "value" (meaning earning potential, I guess...arts have plenty of value in any other sense) and we cut the funding, cut the programs.  And you know art and music should be required, because it helps in other ways of thinking, and it makes life so much more enjoyable.  To take it out of the schools makes it elitist, because it falls into who can afford private lessons (and those are great too, for instruction), and away from a general appreciation, and the ability to explore different possibilities in your life from an early age.  We're closing doors before people have even seen what's on the other side instead of offering a world of possibilities...and that's just tragic.

Back home again

The other show I went to was "Seattle Vice."  A work in progress, I think, in the Central Heating Lab.  A cabaret/brothel set in Seattle in 1965, when there was a lax in the vice laws.  The story line was good in the first half, but got too meandering in the second.  Interesting idea, but rough around the edges.  Fairly raunchy (as the man next to me commented.)  And a very full, and mixed audience, skewing older (60's +) which was interesting to be in...like watching burlesque with my parents, which would be odd.  In their defense, this was only the second night, it runs through the 9th.

The person I spoke to on the phone to reserve the ticket had made the comment that seeing "Little Shop of Horrors" had easily covered the cost of the pass when I asked for a ticket to this show as well (as to why I was going to two shows in the same day.)  The ACT pass is a great deal and they are one of the better houses at offering pay-what-you-can, so I'm not meaning to bitch about ACT (nor the Rep who have free TPS tickets), but theatres, in general, might sell more tickets if they weren't so expensive if you're over 25.  The seat I had sold for $69, I don't know a lot of artists that can regularly afford that, I realize that might be part of the reason for the ACT pass, and there are discounted "industry" nights, or previews, but if you work in theatre, you need to go see shows, and it adds up.  You can volunteer around town, of course, but you also have to make time to do your own work.  Both these show were presumably sold out (though there were empty seats of no shows at the first one.)  But I've gone to a lot of shows with half-full houses...discount the tickets, get butts in seats.  (Comes up in the discussions all the time, about what's not working.  I know there are bills to pay, I want the artists to get paid a fair wage whenever possible, and I want the spaces to exist, but I also want more people to be able to see the work and if the houses are half-empty...I know money's not the only reason people aren't showing up, but it is a barrier.) We are not all rolling in dough once we turn 26, and the difference is like $20 if you are 25 and under vs. $69 for everyone else.  Steep.  That's my bitch for the night. (And I know this issue has existed forever.)

I need to take some sorta' dance class...both shows made me think that. (And the pole dancer's routine reminded me a lot of aerial work, very similar, and she was incredibly strong.)  I'm thinking of hip-hop or tap.  'Night.

Why

The reason I'm writing about this weirdness with the house is 1) if anything were to happen, it's written somewhere; but mostly 2) I feel like that even if this behavior isn't decidedly abusive, it's easily escalating into that territory and silence, isolation and shame perpetuate a cycle of abuse.  If I were to keep this to myself, I might easily justify it (given my past co-dependency) and continue to allow myself to remain in unhealthy situations, making excuses for it.  Because even if it was due to drug use (and I have no clue) on his part, that doesn't excuse it, i.e., you don't get to get wasted and beat someone up and then blame it on the substance (as an example.)  You're still responsible for what happened, at some point in the process you made a conscious choice that slid you from A to B or X or however far it went.  And for the record, because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt to my own detriment, I've been telling everybody, so that I don't.  I don't want to justify the appalling and inconceivable concept that I stepped in human excrement on my basement floor.  (There's nothing physically wrong with anyone here that they couldn't make it to the toilet.)  Apologies for the crudeness.

On a brighter (seriously, it only goes up from there) note, went and saw "Little Shop of Horrors" at ACT this afternoon.  (I have an monthly pass, that I've already paid for but was too busy to use this month, so going to another show this weekend on it.)  And while I'll agree with the friend that thought it was too loud at times (there were moments I couldn't make out what was being said/sung) it was wonderfully well-cast, and very enjoyable.  I think I might have seen the movie a long, long time ago, or part of it.  Anyway, the whole thing, sets, lighting, music, choreography, casting, acting, directing, etc, was well done.  Really fun.  It runs through June, might go see it again.  I called at the last minute, and there were only a few seats available, so ended up with a fifth row, center seat, which was great, but if I were to see it again, I might try to get a side seat because the actors interact somewhat with the audience on the sides.  (And in spite of not sleeping much last night and falling asleep on the bus on the way to the theatre, I was completely wide awake the whole time.)  And it was fun seeing all the Comi-Con folks wandering spilling out everywhere downtown.  Made the city more feel more alive.

And have been actively looking for places, but if there's nothing to call, there's nothing to call.

Now I just want to hide

Ants all over the living room. Was trying to get rid of them by cleaning up what was spilled, vacuuming, roommate unplugged the vacuum (not sure where he came from) and told me it was after 9 pm, which it was...but he's being an ass to me now because I backed out of signing the lease.  (He spoke to the landlord, though he says it's because of the other guy was walking around naked-he's got a shirt and a towel on-and turning on the lights-it's dark in the basement at night, he was trying to see to go take a shower.  The landlord must've told him what I said: I wasn't signing the lease, I stepped in human excrement, and I want out as soon as possible.)  But totally dodged a bullet on this one.  It's going to be a very long month, or however long it takes to move out.  Might have to take up the offer of friend's couch.  Almost afraid to eat my food.  Should probably transfer my mail, too.  Freaks me out.  He's becoming very controlling, not just to me.

Friday, it's raining

and I'm feeling particularly restless.  Not in a bad way, I'm not stressed out (amazingly enough, mentally calm) I just can't sit still and focus on anything for more than a minute.  Perhaps I've had too much caffeine.  Not sure what it is I'm expecting to happen.  Partially, it's the nerves of starting the house-interviewing-speed-dating process.  It's been six years since I've moved, and the year before that, I'd lived in four different places (leases ending, etc.)  As for the rest, shrug...I don't feel bad.  I guess I'm ready for things to change, and I don't know what that's gonna look like, in any aspect of my life, and I'm giddy.  (And I probably need to eat.)

And so it all starts up again.  Wish me luck.

Rained all day/L Herlevi 2014

Pictures

Later, went to this studio series called "The Incubator Series" at Freehold in Belltown.  Tonight was program A (two programs each weekend, for two weekends total).  It was fun.  If I had the time, I'd go see it again.  I recycled my program, I guess I can ask someone what the last piece was called.

Didn't really want to come home, but did.  Got rid of the carpet pieces, luckily they were scraps, so I could remove them.

The light after work tonight was glorious.  Again, I think it has to do with clouds.  Makes me swoon.  More so in the first picture.  These are the same trees in both shots.

Swoon-worthy light/L Herlevi 2014

Afternoon trees/L Herlevi 2014

Want out, now

Well, no longer on the fence about moving.  Motivated to get out.  Was going to meet with landlord this afternoon, but I stepped in a pile of shit (sorry, that's what it was) this morning on the basement floor...and, yeah.  We don't have pets.  Yeah.  Want out yesterday.  Had to clean it up, will probably have to throw out my shoes, but thank god I was wearing shoes.  Tracked it on my carpet.  I was late to work because I had to clean it up (it would be worse later if I didn't, tracked all over the place.)  Came into work and cried on my boss.  It's so freaking psychotic.  I don't think it was meant for me, the two guys who I share the basement with got in an altercation last night, and I think it was revenge, one on the other.  I don't know which one.  I don't care.  It's psychotic.  Oh, god.  My head hurts.  It bothers me more the further in time I get away from it.  Seriously...how do you decide and carry that out?

Got an offer of a couch to sleep on (immediately) and am contacting houses.  And I'm crying again.  And I keep having to remind myself to breathe.  It's just so...disgusting  But again, on the bright side, I've finally made a decision. (A cosmic kick?)

Middle of the week

Woke up (late) from a dream where someone told me they had been wrong about me (poisoned by someone else's words, sounds like a Jane Austen story) and things seemed to be going well and later in the dream, the last I saw of him, he was chasing after my sister arguing with her about what exactly the blood test was...was it the most accurate one (was it a "metabolic panel?" He asked that.  I really did have a blood draw yesterday, but not that one.)  A petty argument, but he cared enough to chase after her.  Sucks.  Just a dream.  Everything finally going in one direction, until it suddenly changes.  (Took notes for Meisner work though, because it's useful, though perhaps only depressing, not quite "life altering.")  Or maybe I just actually need that blood test?  Hmmm.

Was kinda' bummed out when I woke up, though couldn't dwell on it because I was late, and the birds were singing outside, and the sky was light, and I managed to catch the bus in the nick of time, and the sun was rising over the buildings and lighting the cherry trees as I passed through...so, I'm fine again.  A million reasons to let go, but still go back to the neutral set point of yes.  And I will let go eventually, only not today.  And then there is this:

The love you receive will be among your greatest treasures. This is just one more of many reasons why you ought not to waste your time in a relationship that is not reciprocal enough to meet your needs.

(It's from Holiday Mathis, Capricorn.  I like them because they make me think, not because they predict anything.)  And then it's raining again, rain predicted for days.

I didn't upload any pictures last night.  Went to a discussion on art and community and what's working, what's not, what we'd like to see more/less of, etc.  It was a good discussion, a lot of time spent on color-blind casting, and I brought up the building the audience for that, and any work outside of the "norm."  I guess I'll look in the archived message boards for what has been discussed before.  People are starting to look more familiar to me, and several people said they thought I'd been in theatre a while and that I seemed really confident.  I mention that because 1) I don't hear that that much; 2) on my way there I was reading a book about introvert leadership; and 3) aside from the catering and taking classes, well and singing, I've only really been actively involved in anything since January.  Guess it was a good night.  But I fell asleep on the bus on the way home (barely 9 pm) and was too exhausted to do anything but sleep when I got home.