Monday

I suppose awareness counts for something, you can't change until you realize you need to.

Still have this weird feeling in my head.  I've had it before, but it seems to be lasting longer now.  Lots of pressure, especially around my sinuses and my ears, like my head is trying to expand.  Disconcerting.  (Someone suggested it might be an intolerance to caffeine, or dehydration.)

Almost started crying on Friday when we finally got up and started to work through the things (I cannot remember the right term, it's not "exercise" or "drill" but I think it starts with a "d") then pulled myself together.  We start so many of these with acknowledging each other, taking in the room, before the actual moving; it was the "this is the last time I'm going to do this with all of you" feeling.  Such a good three weeks.  I'm hoping we'll get to see pictures soon, though whenever we do, that'll be a nice reminder.

I mostly closed my windows this morning, thinking there was a chance it would rain.  (If we had a thunderstorm last night, I slept through it.  Someone who lives north of here mentioned hearing thunder, and the porch as well as the cars parked on the street were wet in the morning.)  When I got home, the entire house was like an oven; when I could no longer stand being in the attic, I sat around downstairs and watched bad tv for a couple of hours, windows and doors open to get some airflow, but it's still too hot to sleep.  Surprisingly sweltering, it didn't seem like it was as hot today as last week, but the house is definitely worse.  And it's dry, dry, dry...no end in sight.

Friday

The "performance" last night was fun.  How do I incorporate that into my life?  I was joking about it with my roommate when I got home, telling her what the training was.  She said we should re-arrange the living room to make space to move around in (it's a tiny living room.)  I'm in the best shape I've been in in ages.  Can't think of anything else that comes close in exercise as far as intensity and enjoyment...perhaps dance.  (Though it's not really feasible to work out four hours a day.)

It's been an eye-opening couple of weeks.  Re-assessing everything, mostly where I'm putting all my energy.  Seeing things for what they are and not what I want them to be, or what I thought they were.  All that needs to change.  More mutuality.  More balance...across the board in my life.  Same behavior, different subject.  I'm worthy of love and reciprocation, but I continue to give my life as if I didn't matter.  As if that were the way to "win" affection, but it never is.  The biggest stretch where I didn't do this was when I was too burned out.

In better news, love won again.  A good day for equality, and my heart is full.

Thursday

Tuesday.  Woke up to what I thought was a hawk calling, but when I looked out my window, there was only a very vocal squirrel on the roof, tail up in alarm, talking toward a tree.  Never did see what it was focused on.  Missed class because I was feeling "dis associative?"  As if I was going to get vertigo, and I was concerned about how I would get home if I did.  Didn't get worse.  Didn't particularly get better.

Went to see a doctor on Wednesday to see if was my ear, but she couldn't reproduce the symptoms, so I don't know.  Still feeling odd, but I made it through class last night without any more problems.  Now everything hurts. Tiger balm and ibuprofen.  We have our performance tonight.  Went over everything we will be doing for that, last night.  Found myself weak in the legs by the time we got to walking backward.  Need more carbs today.  More fruit.  More water.

Haven't been able to get to the garden all week.  There was an unexpected attempt at rain yesterday, but I don't think it helped.  I hope everything survives in spite of my lack of attention.  Soon.

We'll get out early tonight, but then one more class.  Then I'll figure out what's next.

Staying with the uncomfortable

Tonight was my last night on the tight rope.  Still didn't make it very far, but...something better for me was that on the last try I fought harder to find balance, I had been giving up to soon and stepping down when I felt like I was going to fall, and on that last time, I didn't do that (made it four small steps further, too.)

And now that it's almost over, I'm a lot less self-conscious, especially in partner work.  I'm willing to hold the gaze, to hold that intimacy you can get in performance, without immediately backing down (which is a perfectly normal response out on the street.  You don't hold that with strangers, it's too much.  And we've been taught that well.)  I know the self-consciousness will come back, but maybe it gets easier each time. (It all reminds me of something someone said after the clown class in January, "I feel like I know all of you on some intimate level, but I hardly know anything about your life," because the public mask gets dropped, and you all go through the same types of things.  You share that experience.)

I know it all changes me as a human being, but does it make me a better actor?  I don't know, but I hope so.  I hope the point I fall back to is a little less far each time.

Summer

If I remain still for long enough, I find myself encircled by the acrobatic flight of swallows.  The first day of summer already feels like mid-summer; promised rain never quite falls.  Drier and warmer than usual.  Was excited yesterday to see a watermelon had actually sprouted (other plants previously germinated turned out to be tomatillos) only to find upon re-visitation of the garden today, that it had been completely devoured by someone, a slug or such.  The pumpkin is doing well, greedily expanding it's territory.  Need to get something else in soon.

Last night the newbies got schooled in proper form.  (And why is it that when she says my name, I feel like I've done something wrong?  I rarely hear my name, I suppose.  It wasn't the actual case, in fact, she was commenting on what I had improved on. There was clarification on why and how; it was helpful.)  We ran through the entire performance for the first time, with all (43+) of us included, last night.  She mentioned it became part of the training when students started asking how all this training related to acting/performing.  I need to work on my imagination.  There should always be some story running.

We did end up tight-rope walking again; I didn't manage to move any further along the rope, though maybe I improved in other ways.  (Everyone made it across originally, while holding a hand on either side; it's the solo crossing that is difficult.)  I find the metaphor of this the strongest for acting: the end point (where you are focusing) is the objective, and between you and that point are all the steps/obstacles you have to negotiate first.  (And for the life of me I can't remember the term.)  Two-thirds done.  I wish it went on all summer, though admittedly, it'll be nice to have an evening free.

I was just about to skip clown jam, when one of the others came out and got me from the bus stop.  Also, I was about to give up on the whole thing, but then we generated a lot of story ideas today.  Stuff to explore further.  It looks like the next show will be more cohesive, if we can get enough people involved.  For now it's fleshing out and writing.

Happy Solstice!

Love

In spite of horrific loss, love won in Charleston today.  An individual who steeped himself in paranoia and hate vs. a culture of people who grew up in a community that nurtured love...love won.  Nine lives were snuffed out by hate, but love still won the day.  The family members forgave the gunman (who somehow needed to find some division, to create some "other," some "enemy" to hate)...love certainly won.

You will find what you look for, and you will grow what you feed...how are you spending your days?  What do you choose?

Off

Feeling exhausted.  Took the week off, made it out to Bainbridge Island for a change of scenery on Monday, and then pretty much did nothing yesterday (except class, and made a marginal risotto.)

In class we seem to be spending a lot of time on the forms/exercises (?) that give me anxiety, I guess it's good.  It's forcing me to work through it, and I need to.  It's partner work, and if I want to be an actor, it's kinda' a given.  I like how, with everything we do, they talk about how that relates to acting (focus, intention, presence, how you use your body (yesterday, there was a discussion of hand gestures, i.e., how do we use our hands on stage, when we are not actually searching for the right word, as we do in life), etc.)  I feel like a lot of times in past acting classes, when we've done warm-up exercises, we never really related it back to being on stage.  Obviously, it's related, but sometimes it feels assumed that we already knew, so it was never said.  And admittedly, I wasn't thinking about a larger picture.  I am finding that my eyes are not wandering as much, and I'm less self-conscious (most of the time) when we do statues, so that's an improvement.  Still, there's a lot to remember, and I don't always...but increments.

I've felt, when working on scenes, that things moved too fast to grab onto anything.  (I've mentioned this before.)  One of the nice thing about all the slow-tempo work we've been doing is that I'm connecting with the "circumstances' (or the moment) better.  And maybe that's the equivalent of doing a slow read, where you say one word at a time.  I'm finding it makes it easier for me to find the emotions, for them to grow organically.  Some playwrights put in a lot of stage direction regarding emotional states, and for me, not being that experienced of an actor, it feels very restrictive.  Like it takes me out of the moment to moment unfolding with the other actors/characters on stage because I'm worried about how I'm gonna make myself cry or scream where the script gives that direction, when I'm not finding that we are building to a point where that would naturally occur (so it feels forced.)  Something I'm working on.  Imaginary circumstances help, and that's getting easier to drop into.  (Plenty of playwrights don't dictate emotional states, they let you find it.  I've just worked on a lot that do, and I find myself focusing too much on that one moment at the expense of the whole picture.  A lot of people are really good at crying and screaming on cue, I'm not one of them.  I'm in awe of that ability.)

Tonight we'll be half-way through.  60 hours seemed like a lot of time to fill, and now it seems like hardly enough.

Weekend Two

Just got home from ETI's "All's Well That Ends Well," at 12th Ave Arts.  They did a good job; I had trouble reading through that one.  I thought Janet Hietter as Clown/Widow and Linda Cleckler as Lafeu/Duke were particularly outstanding; they made watching it fun.  They have a free show tomorrow night at Luther Burbank Park on Mercer Island, and are then taking it to Echo Glenn, after which the program is done and it's out into the world for them.  Congratulations to all of the ETI students.

Saw all eight performances of NWNW week two yesterday.  Impressions: OCD; Ritual; Timidity; Identity; Validation; Race; Authenticity; Reasons to Live; Dark.

My favorite was the last piece on the mainstage, PE/Mo's "Anatomy of an Accident."  I think there were eleven performers on stage.  My impression was that it had to do with racial profiling, not just by police, but by witnesses as well.  Assuming guilt.  Building up the story because you can.  Wondering what the "truth" of the moment was.  The movement was contained chaos, a contained violence, and at times I was concerned for the well-being of the performers as they smacked down to the ground, though my second thought was that they had really good fight choreography.  I was mostly engaged, and it was a potent piece of "theatre," save one bit with the "police woman" which came across as superficial, it was 30 seconds to a minute, and I couldn't tell you where it was (I'd have to see it again), but there seemed to be a lot of consideration in the rest of the piece, and this moment lacked that, it went for the general, and in that felt momentarily lazy, and as an audience member, you lost me, which is a shame.  Became a distraction to an otherwise powerful performance, which again I loved.  (I mention it because I've been reading Peter Brook's "The Empty Space.")  The choreography was fabulous.

My other two favorites were the theatre piece "Awaiting Oblivion or" by Tim Smith-Stewart, and "The Beautiful" by Dani Tirrell.  The latter dealing with how to find one's identity, how to be the "real" you as a gay, black man in America.  There was a bit about violence against transgender people as well.  (Which begs the question, "How is gay marriage or a transgender individual a threat to you?"  It has nothing to do with you.  It takes nothing away from your rights to marriage-and the legal privilege that distinction affords you, nor does it affect your own masculinity (or femininity, though most perpetrators of violence toward gays and transgenders tend to be male.)  It's a sad state of affairs that the violence has seen an uptick recently.  It was high when I first moved to Seattle back in the late 80's, as well, but it had seemed that as a society we had evolved beyond that in the intervening years.  So the recurrence makes me somewhat disappointed with humanity, here.)

"Awaiting Oblivion or" had to do with "How to be ok when everything is not ok-Temporary Solutions for surviving the dystopian future we find ourselves in at the present."  At one point there was a debate between Hedda (Hedda Gabler) and Nora (A Doll's House) with Hedda giving reasons to die, and Nora giving reasons to live.  I enjoyed the discussion.  They brought up "Thelma and Louise," that car plunging off into the Grand Canyon at the end.  And as a side note, I never really bought into that as a feminist statement (even though the screenwriter is considered a feminist.)  It always felt cheap to me, like the raw end of the stick.  Why is the only available way out for the women to die...how is that "winning" anything?  Is that the only option available to me as a woman?  Thelma made a series of bad choices and then Louise drowned with her in her vortex.  Louise had a decent life, a supportive partner, who even sent them money (which, through another one of Thelma's bad decisions, was lost.)  And the police investigator was on their side in the end, but both he and Louise's partner were ineffectual as heroes.  Enough digression, at the end of this performance there was an alternative ending to "Thelma and Louise," wherein they become praying mantises and escape to Mexico.  (Even becoming zombies and devouring the men would have been a preferable ending (for me), though admittedly, an entirely different genre of movie.)  When we did movie nights on campus in college, that was often the choice.  (And yes, it's just a movie, my problem isn't the movie itself, but that it became some feminist rallying cry.)

Kudos to all the performers and writers over the two weekends.  Thanks for putting yourself out there.

And all this inspired me to actually sit down and write two pages of a performance piece I've been thinking about.  I probably won't use these particular pages of writing, but I cracked open the mystery.

End of first week

Tightrope walking.  On the third pass I made about 1 1/2 steps after letting go of the hands.  I think I know why, I think I was too tentative with owning my own balance after letting go.  Not sure if we get another crack at it...the performance is soon, so we might not.

Even with skipping the walks today (I've injured my knee...I think it's because my back's messed up) I still feel really centered and grounded.  Have to figure out how to keep the practice when the training is over.

Third of the way done.

Day 4-Thursday

It's almost chilly out tonight, compared to how warm it's been.

There's this early point in Meisner where you do the chair work across from each other with your knees touching.  I can empathize at that distance, but not always pick up on impulses (my own or theirs.)  In class we've been doing partner work, playing with distance, focus, connection, presence.  (And I've always had this dread of partner work, when you have to choose/be chosen, I always feel like I'm gonna be the odd one out, the kid who can't play sports that no one wants on their team, the one that gets picked last.  And I think I take myself out before it comes to choosing, to avoid the humiliation of rejection.  It's an old pattern.  It makes me think of playing "duck, duck, goose," which I hated.  It's why I held back and resisted the grid work last year.  It's also self-fulfilling, I think, to create an aloofness that keeps people at a distance.  At any rate, it's not an option now.)  We did a lot of mirroring last night.  It's a lot like dancing (and in fact, when the exercise was over, I had impulse to curtsy, as did my partner last night) where there is a soft enough focus that you are more in tune with each other.  I'd forgotten about struggling with this last year, the keeping connected to your partner (or however many people are on stage) wherever they are on stage, without having to keep eye contact.  It's funny, it's seems like it should be easy, we do it all the time in life, but something about being on stage, in an imaginary world, with other people's words, inhabiting someone else's life, with the awareness of other people watching, a self-consciousness, makes it more difficult.  I'm glad we are doing it.

Another funny thing, is that I don't really feel like I know the song, if you asked me to sing it now, I wouldn't be able to do it, but in the group, doing other actions, giving and receiving energy across distance, I can get a lot of the lyrics.  (Again, it's partly because the pressure is off.  It's that non-perfection, no shame, atmosphere.)

And I made up my routine thing during lunch, thinking we'd do it in a big group like everything else.  But when she asked people who had one ready to go up, I went up, and only about a third of the class had one ready (I had an "oh sh..." moment, but after going up, might as well go through with it and not back down.  Again, it's never gonna be perfect.)  And I still thought, well, okay, we'll do this together.  But, no.  Smaller group.  And then again individually.  I forgot part of mine (movement for seven words); amusingly, the one I forgot was "remember."  I'll probably refine it, but I'm glad to have done it already.  I think they will somehow be incorporated into the performance piece.

The centering is lasting longer.  Imaginary worlds would help me with the statues.  So glad I signed up for this.