Staying with the uncomfortable

Tonight was my last night on the tight rope.  Still didn't make it very far, but...something better for me was that on the last try I fought harder to find balance, I had been giving up to soon and stepping down when I felt like I was going to fall, and on that last time, I didn't do that (made it four small steps further, too.)

And now that it's almost over, I'm a lot less self-conscious, especially in partner work.  I'm willing to hold the gaze, to hold that intimacy you can get in performance, without immediately backing down (which is a perfectly normal response out on the street.  You don't hold that with strangers, it's too much.  And we've been taught that well.)  I know the self-consciousness will come back, but maybe it gets easier each time. (It all reminds me of something someone said after the clown class in January, "I feel like I know all of you on some intimate level, but I hardly know anything about your life," because the public mask gets dropped, and you all go through the same types of things.  You share that experience.)

I know it all changes me as a human being, but does it make me a better actor?  I don't know, but I hope so.  I hope the point I fall back to is a little less far each time.