Oh, darkness of approaching winter

Still in a funk.  It's kinda' a perfect storm of gloomy weather, not eating enough, not sleeping enough, the sudden earlier onset of darkness caused by the time change, and not feeling like I'm good at anything because I've been trying to learn a lot of things over the past couple of years, and I don't feel like I'm progressing, and I'm not sure how to change how I'm approaching it, and I'm feeling a little isolated, among other things, though, that's a lot in itself.  It'll pass.  I'll tell people, have already told people.  I won't pretend like it's not there.  Saying it out loud takes away its power.

The courage to do any of this is good, it's just the being stuck at a point that I'm having trouble moving beyond that's frustrating.  It seems to happen a lot, it did with photography as well, and I still haven't named the barrier, or answered "why?"  Actually, now that I think about it, another reason I took the (recent) first acting class (aside from wanting to be a performer) was to try to work around a block I had been having with photography.  I figured whatever was getting in the way of moving forward could be addressed from a different perspective.  It wasn't an issue of skill, (though it is now with acting , and dancing, which require practice) but rather a wall, beyond which I'm not following through.  We all have those, thoughts that get in the way.  Thoughts we aren't always aware we have, buried so far down in our being we take them as truths. But if they keep clipping our wings (as someone else put it today), they keep us from pursuing our lives.  They aren't true, just some message someone gave us long ago, doesn't matter why, only that we believed it, buried it, and lived as if it were true.  (I'm referring to judgments, the ones that bully us in our heads.)

I have a free night, already picked up my mail, and walked home, the long way.  It was peaceful.  The rain had stopped by then, and the standing water had begun receding.  It was very quiet.  Highlights were passing two separate cars getting jumped (must be the time change, traffic's been awful the last couple of days, too) and a raccoon crossing someone's yard, right as I turned on my street.  Otherwise, just lost in my own thoughts.

Looking forward to reading (I really love reading Dickens.)  Or watching a movie.  Working on the monologues, too.  I always feel funny saying them out loud at home: I have housemates...they do all know about the acting thing, though.

Less than two months until it gets lighter again.  And while I like all the holiday decorations, winters get harder every year.

Just ate way too much salt...olives, cheese, and crackers.  Feeling parched.