Generosity

Cracked, November 10/L Herlevi 2014

Think I just read the wrong play, can't recall what the right play was.  My audition teacher/coach gave me a Shakespeare play to look at, but I can't find where I wrote it down.  Ended up reading "All's Well That Ends Well," and a stripped down version at that (no stage directions, really.)  I'm looking for a comedic Shakespeare monologue.  I didn't present anything in class, and need to come up with something for this week, I can't remember if this is a six- or eight-week class.  If it's six, we are half-way through, and I don't have anything close to being presentable.

Went to a drop-in improv class earlier tonight.  I'm trying to come up with some clown material and am feeling blocked, or stuck.  Thought the improv might help ideas flow, or to at least get to a place where that can happen.  I thought it was just going to be he and I (which intimidated me a bit, I've never done this type of improv before, just with character work and clown, so I didn't know what to expect-no one else had shown up), and he was helping me start something.  A couple other people came in a little late, and we did story generation work.  He's a very generous teacher.  He's never done clown, but has an idea of what that would be, so was trying to work with improv techniques that would go in that direction.  I'll probably go again, maybe bring some other people along.  I'm doing a different workshop next week, more related to auditioning.  (Of course, all that is a moot point if I don't get a head shot.)

Birches, November 11/L Herlevi 2014

The temperatures have gone from almost 60 to somewhere in the 30's, with the wind.  At least it was sunny; spent most of the day outside to make the most of that.  Now I'm sitting here in my coat still, trying to warm up after waiting for the bus.  I'm not complaining, though the heat doesn't seem to make it's way into the attic.  There were people sleeping in doorways with just a single blanket.  That would be miserable, I wished I'd had extra hats or gloves or something to offer.  It'll probably be in the 20's tonight with a wind.

Internet connection is goofy, so that's all I'll write.

I am grateful for the roof over my head.

Sunday

We bury our meaning under a mountain of words, and then spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the truth.

In auditioning class, the fear of performing for others rears its head, though I guess we all are in the same boat to some extent.  Forced myself to do mine a second time for feedback.  Did not back out even though I wanted to, the whole point being to get better, and if you don't risk anything, nothing changes.  I'm understanding the meaning of "driving action," what is the line going through the whole monologue?  Why do you say what you say, to whom you say it to, right now?  I ended my working session early, as I've got a lot of work to do, starting with the internal stuff, and I wasn't going to hit it today, but I do have a sense now of where I'm going.  Think I need to do the classical monologue next time, it will need more work, since I've never studied Shakespeare.

Interesting coincidence in class, the man who went up before me happened to be using the monologue that my character is referring to when I speak.  I asked him about it later, if he'd gotten the part, he said that it wasn't from the audition (the one I just did), but rather that he'd found it online.  Still, what were the odds of him doing the monologue I'm responding to right before me?  Sadly, I'm not sure I let it help me much.

The instructor gave the note (to someone else) to forget all the "beats" and strong acting choices you made and just follow the driving action.  Make the audience forget that they are "watching" a show, and have them believe in the story.  Whomever the audience is, it's the first time they are hearing it, regardless of how many times you've told it: invite them in.

Much to consider.  Know what I'm after, not sure how to get there.

Guess I should watch "Hedda Gabler" now...nice light-hearted evening.

I'm cold from waiting for the bus.  It's been warm for so long, I'm in denial that there is a winter, and it lies before me.

Circus

Cold out.  Chilled from waiting for the bus, entertained myself by singing a Swedish Christmas song out loud while I waited (there wasn't anyone else at the stop.)  Surprised myself by knowing all of the lyrics.  I'm still cold.

Went to a circus workshop after work tonight, with an Australian performance group called Circa.  It was fun and incredibly generous.  Only 1 1/2 hours, but it was free.  We spent an hour learning some improv "language" in pairs, and then split the group in half and had one group watch as the other one improv'd in the space.  It's the tools they use to put a piece together.  I have a ticket for tomorrow night, excited to see what they do.  Also excited that I have something to share with the clown group I go to, stuff we can learn and practice.  I wasn't sure if I should sign up for the workshop, the invite was ambiguous about how much experience you needed (turned out you didn't need any, just a willingness to participate), but one of the dance professors convinced me to go, in fact, she emailed them...I'm glad I listened to her.  I finally signed up yesterday.  Originally, it was only open to ticket holders, but I think with so many students out of town, they opened it to the general public.  As it was there were only 24 of us, including the performers.

I have a coaching session tomorrow morning, so need to get my monologue memorized, it is mostly, but I want help shaping it, so I need it off book.  It's pretty short, 52 seconds last time we timed it.  It was originally for the general auditions (I had two minutes total to work with), but I didn't end up doing it.  Most auditions seem to use sides (from scripts).  I should work with her on that, too.

No closer on deciding on the living situation.  Mañana.

Here's a tree picture.

5:30 Light/L Herlevi 2014

Quiet

The last couple of nights I've dreamt of snow and then was surprised that there wasn't any falling from the sky when I woke up.  Low 20's, before the wind-chill, bright blue skies.  People camped out for the Seahawks parade.  Contained chaos.  Very quiet elsewhere.

Still trying to pin down monologues, and need to set an appointment for photos.  About to go into our last exercise for the year in class.  I still have a make-up, since we didn't get to ours last night.  And we got our Spoon River Anthology characters.  I'll have to find her fire.  I'm feeling wishy-washy about her (Emily Sparks), but I did put her on every list I made when I tried to choose, so there must've been something I liked there.  I'm just at that point where I feel limited by having made a choice; I go through this with everything...it's one of my walls.  Looking longingly at all the choices that are currently closed off to me so I can commit fully to one, right now.  It's only ever superficial until you commit.  There's no depth when you constantly look over your shoulder at what you could've had.  (Grass is greener...etc.)

Also trying to meditate (again).  I'd like to do it at night, but I always just fall asleep.  It's such a pleasant state of being (floaty, half-waken, stress-free), that when I meditate in the morning, I have a hard time making myself leave that state and get out of the house on time.  I don't actually know what I'm doing, trying to make it up.

Need to have someone work on my back, shoulder blade is completely locked up.  Been that way for a couple of weeks, but waiting to pay down my deductible.  Not a pleasant state of being.

Cheers.

Blur

Feel like I've been going just on muscle memory lately.  If I didn't think too hard about the music tonight, I could sing it, if I tried to make sense of it, I got lost...we had a lot of new music to go through and some of it was challenging (Britten, for one, couldn't tell you what the rest of it was, everything is a blur.)  Also, I keep getting second, and I like singing first, I like the high notes, but I suppose it's good for my brain to find the notes for the second part.  I stayed late at work to lock up after a meeting, and then went to pick up my mail (been trying to get there for over a month) and was early back to rehearsal, so went and had some coffee nearby until the doors were unlocked.  I ordered an eggnog latte, and while it tasted good, I couldn't taste the eggnog, and I was trying to figure out what the sweet/bitterness was, I knew I recognized it, but couldn't put my finger on it.  Much later I figured out that what I was tasting was a darn good pull of espresso, which then made me realize that I haven't had a good cup of coffee (or espresso) in a really long time.  That man knew what he was doing.

We only have two more rehearsals before Christmas...I feel like it was just Halloween, time just flying by.  When I come up for air enough, I force myself to walk through the decorated parts of town.  I enjoy the season, but I feel so unconnected to it right now.  It makes me happy to look at the lights and the trees and listen to the music, but then I forget again.  It's been a crazy year.  The folk choir has two events over the next two Saturdays, but they decided to give us Monday night off...unexpected, and I'm grateful: we have to present our scenes for class the next night.

Gonna go to a show tomorrow night, but aside from all that, my brain is blocking out any other commitments.  Overwhelmed, again...my memory and problems solving ability seems to just shut down, just to basic survival things.  Curious.  It's supposed to be really cold tomorrow night, it was already going to be cold (in the low 20's), but now predicted to be windy as well.  That'll be fun.  Need to remember to wear enough, it was my face and toes that felt the brunt of the chill last night.

Memorization.  And Christmas music time.

Wednesday

My one free evening this week, will rehearse.  Sometimes I feel like part of my brain was raptured and the rest of me returns to the scene of departure and wonders what I was doing and why I stopped in the middle of the process and wandered off.  Overloaded.

Wish I had the time and money to take another class along with this one, to complement the process.  I think I need to start getting up and doing physical theatre stuff when I wake up early, I'm too much in my head again and the reason I'm even doing this now is because of the physical work (both in biomechanics and singing) I did last winter that woke up the idea in me it's possible to find all the stuff I hadn't been able to access through my thoughts, in my body.  Even if I just start with fifteen minutes that's something.  I'm feeling so much resistance, and my center of gravity is creeping up.  It'll help.  (It's easier being responsible to someone, but I'll have to find some strong inner motivation to overcome my inherent inertia.)

I was reading Esper on the bus this morning and one of the exercises had me in tears, I was sitting in one of those side-facing seats, kept having to wipe my cheek, but kept reading.  Then I was trying to think about what I lost (for the scene) and that made me teary, will see if I can actually pull that into the rehearsal process.  Esper says something interesting about objectives, that it's like knowing where you are going, and you have that knowledge to guide you, but you don't need to keep thinking about it.  We haven't actually gotten to objectives yet, perhaps I should stop reading further.  Maybe I should buy it.

The freezing nights bring starry skies, fluffy birds, sparkly mornings.

Tuesday

No snow, got some "grapnel" and rain, ground miraculously dry when I left for work.  It's also slightly warmer than originally forecast, but still chilly.

I just blocked out the first three months of 2014 for classes, crossing my fingers that it's true. I think I will get through my block, even if it hasn't happened yet.  I definitely want to continue, time and money are a small sacrifice for personal and artistic growth.  And tonight we started on the type of work that I want to learn, to do: making your partner more important than the words, using the words to communicate the subtext of what's really going on between you.  I knew of this from my first acting instructor here, with the contentless scene work (five short lines of text that contain no meaning in themselves, but are used to deliver whatever is going on between you.)  It was also part of the scholarship audition.  It's great stuff; difficult to do with more loaded text, text where you easily could have preconceived notions of how to deliver, and you need to throw all of those preconceptions out and have a real conversation using someone else's words.  You know, so you sound like human beings talking, and not actors reading text.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.  Hard.  It was definitely a struggle tonight, but this is where I want to go, and this is the road, which is exciting.  And when someone hits it, there's suddenly life on stage.

I was told to wear a dress (which was my first thought, but I didn't tonight.)  And to come up with a task/action that makes up for something I lost (or never got to have.)  I'm not sure what I need for Sunday, since we aren't doing the task until the last class, and I need an "as if" for sister, and I think for what I lost as well.  And need to clear out schedule to find time to rehearse a few times before Sunday...this is a pretty packed week, and our work schedules are opposite (days vs. nights.)

I think I understand what it means to have your world rocked...it's all one way or the other, there's nothing safe or passive, it's either everything lights up or my heart drops...not saying it's healthy or not, just that it is.

Sunday, holiday weekend

Now I have a cold. That started midday yesterday. I thought the season was over.

Yesterday felt like the world was standing there for me, waiting, with open arms.

Singing to the dawn

It's cold, but I have my window cracked open anyway.  Someone was smoking earlier. I can hear the morning song of robins and the slow increase of traffic outside. It's Saturday, so less now than usual. It's just past 7 am. I've been up since 4 am. I wrote some and am trying to finish a book, by restarting it again since I had misplaced it and can't remember what I'd already read. I think I might have been almost done.  So do I go to the art museum or to check out the "brush-eating goat!"? I have a party later, maybe I'll just fall back asleep.  I won't be asked what I thought, and so I won't have to answer. And in a way, that's a relief, I don't have anything to say.

Well, the goats were a no-show, so I helped to clear knotweed and blackberry for awhile then went to the museum and later took pictures of beautiful trees (film). Ate lunch in a place where I saw a cockroach run around a table-top and finally wandered over to the birthday party. And how sad is it that 20 people want me to be in their company and I'm pining over the one that doesn't? I need to keep myself occupied. Still, better to feel than to not feel.

Frost

and cold this morning while I was outside dealing with the garbage. Seems winter ain't going down without a fight. Had to give in and wear the hat again. Beautiful red sunrise.

At lunch I walk in a different direction, wanting to look for cherry or plum trees in bloom. I stop by some magnolias, and as I point my camera skyward, I see two sets of fluttering wings, black against the sky, to my right. Butterflies? Now? After I shoot the picture I look for them, but they are gone. I start to walk away, turn and I see one land in the grass. A chocolate brown butterfly, with small white and small purple spots on the edges of it's wings. It sits unmoving in the grass, and I try to get closer to get a picture because I have a short lens, but I frighten it and it flies up into the branches and lands on an unopened flower, too far away.