A dry January

Signed up on facebook for the dry January group, having every intention of not drinking, but while sitting eating breakfast this morning, I remembered the pledge and then also remembered that I had drunk alcohol yesterday, January 1, at a party I went to. I think my reason for signing up was that I don't think about my alcohol consumption. It's true that I hardly ever drink (initially due to severe jaw pain when I drink, most of the time, though not always that began 10 + years ago), but I also am aware that it's a reflex to drink when I do. For instance, someone handed me a glassful of grog (?) at a party I went to, and I enjoyed it, but it completely slipped my mind that I had agreed not to drink. Today is a new day, and I haven't had a drink.

I actually tried to do this on my own a couple months back. My life was feeling out of control, not from alcohol but from debt. And I remember thinking that I felt like an addict, keeping secrets, lying to myself about my debt, being in denial about it. Also, I was thinking of blogging about it, about attempts to be sober. Then I found myself drinking 2 times that week, thoughtlessly, and other things came up and I forgot about it. I probably have a short attention span. At any rate, this is attempt two, and I signed up with other people, so as to be accountable to someone else. Works for me that way.

I thought of two other "resolutions" for the new year: 1) to write everyday; and 2) to do something artistic everyday, because these are things I say are important to me, but I don't make enough effort. Also, I have an art show next month, and haven't a clue what I'm gonna do for it. I signed up for the date a year ago with ideas in my head that fell through, so, need to come up with something new and frame it in a month. I have two decent sized walls to fill. I didn't write yesterday, and my artistic endeavour was to make Hoppin' John, which might count, as it was new to me. Tasted alright. (I always wanted to be a photographer, but am a better cook than a photographer. I'm in a rut, I know what I'm lacking, but don't know how to break through. And am taking an acting class, as I'm a better photographer than an actor, but hoping that if I can crash outta' myself there it will help me out in the rest of my life. Plus I like acting.)

Peace, Isabel

rain

Long-weekend approaching, will most likely go back up to the Island to see my dad. Spoke to my mom and she said that he finally seems to be improving, he can hold a paper coffee cup and drink from it, though does not have enough motor control and so continues to not be able to feed himself. Been on his back, in that bed for over two weeks now. If he can turn and look to the window, he would see a vine maple beginning to change color. Further out across the parking lot is a farm with horses, sheep and goats. And last time I visited, there were deer, a doe and at least one fawn. But he can't see that yet. He had a dream that he walked down the hall, and in the morning, argued with the nursing aide that he could walk and wanted to walk. Of course he doesn't have the muscle strength yet, but at least he believes he is getting better, and he is. It's just slow.

Here, it's pouring, I can see it on the inner window, I think the outer one is coming loose. Need to call the landlord.

directives

Well, made the ferry and the bus going north. As soon as I called my mom, she came and got me and we immediately went south again to visit my dad at the assisted living place. I think things have deteriorated significantly since I was last here, though I guess my mom says he was a lot worse the day before. He can't read or hold the cards or pictures people send, he wanted me to read them, and I had to skip sections of the letters because I couldn't read them without bursting out crying. Came home and before I fell asleep prayed to the saints I know, St. Jude, St. James, to Mary, said a rosary, and even prayed to Santa Teresa to pray to Saint Joseph for me. Woke up from a nightmare when someone was being chased and couldn't seem to escape, it wasn't me, but it stressed me out. When I woke up I heard noises in the house as if cabinets were quickly and in a muffled manner were opening and closing, as if there were a constant change of pressure in the house. And then a shuffling like footsteps....I had to go to the bathroom, but was afraid to get up. I finally had to get up and grabbing my rosary stepped across the hall to the bathroom, and turned on the hall light. Maybe wind, maybe the ghost(s) that share the house. I'm considering cleansing it. I was ridiculously tired this morning.

We went back at 1 pm. Had to meet with a nurse to discuss care directives. I didn't expect to have to be having this conversation now, I am heartbroken. People don't die from this! But if he needs a ventilator, he doesn't want to be kept artificially alive, though he does want to be alive to see his brother. I'm still praying for physical (as well as every other kind) of healing, though I know that is not my choice to make in the end.

And it's not the same thing really, but earlier in the week I was feeling so much guilt (out of the blue) for making the decision to put my dog down, and this was in 1986. I don't want to do that again, what if you're wrong?

Peace, Isabel

Still on vacation

Maybe I should have said "demi glace..." Found myself back at the Market again yesterday, I was actually just leaving the Seattle Art Museum (www.seattleartmuseum.org) and walking north to catch a #16 bus to Wallingford, never did get there. Got to the big intersection where all the traffic stops for pedestrians and there was still time to cross, so went to De Laurenti's (www.delaurenti.com) and ate a slice of pizza (with Salumi's mole salami) and a limonata, and wandered around the shop looking at containers of demi glace and honey. Sometimes I feel so homesick for places I am not, that are not my actual home. I'm homesick for Spain. Or perhaps for something I found there, a feeling? I'm not sure. I don't know that I want to live there, I keep telling myself that this is my home, but I want to be there, I also want to be here. Even when I've tried to move away, I always end up back in Seattle. I tell myself that the world is full of places to visit, my own country is full of places I have never been, but I often find myself booking a flight back for northern Spain. The same towns over and over. I've never been to Barcelona or Toledo or Sevilla or Granada, but have fallen in love with Sahagun de Campos, and Leon, and Pamplona. And had the best honey from around St. Catherine de Somoza, and have been seeking an equivalent ever since. Which is what I have been doing in various shops all week.

I ended up sitting in the sculpture park watching the way the late afternoon light casts shadows of trees on the massive boat-like metal sculptures, then headed over to Seattle Center to try to catch the 16. While walking across the grounds I noticed a labyrinth in the distance, so went over and walked it slowly in both directions, even though my feet were sore. It's orange, below the EMP and the pink light reflected back on it. There were a surprising number of people walking it. Did they come there to walk it or did they stumble upon it like me and feel compelled to follow the winding orange path? It was an odd find. I'm glad that it's there, but haven't a clue as to why it's there.

Need to pack to go back up to the Island this afternoon.
Peace

cooking terms

When I returned to work last week, my boss said that I could take all my time off visiting my father as sick leave, and since I had previously requested this week off as vacation, she told me to go ahead and take it. I'm at home at the moment. We're still in our heat wave and though the house got down to 80 F last night, it's already into the mid-80's inside. It's 11 am. I was going to go to the beach earlier, but my foot really hurts, so haven't done much walking yet today. All of which has given me time to search further for the term "fondo de res." It was used in a recipe I saw on vme cocina over the weekend. A plum sauce with cordero...sheep? I'm interested in the sauce, as I attempted to make a sour cherry sauce a couple of weekends ago, which turned out okay, but not great. Anyhow...the last ingredient the chef added was "fondo de res" and on tv it had a consistency of peanut butter, and from "de res" I was assuming it was beef something. While running errands yesterday I went by the Spanish Table (http://www.thespanishtable.com/) to ask if anyone knew what it might be. The man at the front didn't know, tried to google it with no luck, and then called his mom, who thought "fondito" and consume, but she wasn't sure. He then suggested I check a Mexican grocer, in the Pike Place Market, so I did. The woman at the counter had no idea, suggested another grocer down the block, who also didn't know but sold fresh corn tortillas and tamales, so I ate lunch. So...this morning I finally googled "Cooking+Mexican+Fondo de res" and came up with Mexican cooking terms, where I found the definition "broth or consume made from soup bones, or a reduced stock," at www.lomexicano.com/mexicanfoodrecipeglossary.htm#f . So some sorta' thickened broth, texture was interesting. De res would mean beef, I guess. I need to find another way of thickening/finishing the sauce, maybe butter, or a cornstarch slurry. Probably am not going to use it for "cordero" at this time.

Tuesday, Aug 10, 10

Woke up, turned my head to the left and found the room spinning wildly. 2 hours later and I'm still somewhat dizzy, but am standing to type and not moving my head. I suppose it's a good sign that I can type. Been lying on the living room floor until this point, but go up to look to see if there was anything with eucalyptus in it, in the event that it's my sinuses and maybe I just need a decongestant. I heard knocking on the door, but didn't make it in time to answer it, nor the following phone call...it is possible she was coming to check up on me. I don't know.

While lying on the carpet, I had a great silhouette view of the suet feeder. I had been saying that the sparrows fed at the dry feeder while the juncos, nuthatches, chickadees, flickers and starlings fed at the suet-feeder, but then noticed all the sparrows had come over as well. They always seem to feed in a group, 4 or 5 hanging on the feeder, all of them chirping, gregarious. Sometimes, a sparrow will join the flicker, keeping out of the way of it's long beak, but the flicker chases off anything that gets too close. Ugh, dizziness is creeping back up.

Peace

Finally, a possible diagnosis

Just returned from the hospital, we weren't there very long. He was very tired, and the same weird agitation. He hasn't been able to sleep because he is so uncomfortable and has suitcases under his eyes. Weighs 170 pounds. The possible diagnosis is Guillaine Barre syndrome, and even though they suspected that from a spinal tap and nerve testing (he said the first did not hurt, something I'm deathly afraid of, but the nerve testing was painful...yeah) and they will have him on an IV treatment for 5 days, they weren't going to start it until tonight...it's been several days, why the hell not start it right now??? And that symptoms will most likely get worse first, even with treatment...so, again, why the hell are they waiting to start treatment? It's like 8-10 hours. Frustrating. Also, the staff isn't as friendly at this hospital, when I told someone he thought he had to go to the bathroom, she answered, don't you want to wait until after you've eaten? It's 4:30, he asked for dinner at 7:30 because of blood sugar issues, seriously, if you gotta' go now, do you really want to wait 3 hours? Seriously? Seriously? I think they might hate me:) (Especially if your nerves are damaged controlling your lower body.)
Anyway...hospital is in a pretty area of town, and the clouds finally cleared for a pleasant summer afternoon. Traffic was the typical Friday afternoon crush of cars, but took the back way to the freeway and drove across a series of old bridges over the slough. Stopped at the rest area to wash my hands, feel dirty somehow, and following the lure of the "free coffee" sign. Tried to get a danish, and almost succeeded when a second volunteer said "no, they are for breakfast." So had a bad cup of coffee instead which I proceeded to drink in the car because there wasn't a lid, and then walked back to the restrooms, and then through the giant tree stump before getting back in the car and driving north. The upshot of all this is that from the time we left the hospital room, until we got to the house, it took almost 2.5 hours, it should be about 1 hour, 15 minutes. I'm standing in a semi-dark room, missed the sunset, trying to access my dad's email account, but don't seem to be able...sigh.

waiting, Aug 5, 2010

Just got back from Coupeville. Missed the phone call from my father saying that he was being transferred to a different hospital off of the island. Waiting to find out exactly what that means...is it just for neurological testing or is he being permanently transferred to the other hospital? They've done every test they can at this hospital, including a 2 hour MRI of his entire spine last night, and a 1 hour brain scan this morning. Still cannot walk, and is very weak, but cognizant.

Stopped to take pictures of the sun last night while driving home from Mt. Vernon. My mom insisted that I pull over. The sun went from orange to yellow to red to hot pink.

Hardly a sunset at all, just the colored disc through the haze from the forest fires and the cooler air from the coast. Earlier my dad had mentioned spraying the weeds, which I was wandering through and pulling without gloves...oi! And he had asked for his computer, but that was before the latest info, so, will just have to wait until we hear more.

Peace

mid-summer

Had been planning to write about how lovely this time of year is. How I saw the first snake (locally) in years last Friday (a garter snake) while out looking for a green heron sighting or turtles, the turtles were far off and the heron was no where to be seen, but as I turned back toward the path the small black snake slithered out of the dry grass on onto the path. I think we surprised each other. Then, while I was watching it, a jogger came by (male) and made a small scream, quite possibly as a joke because I was watching the snake, and jumped over it, and the snake went in the opposite direction and almost got ran over by two more joggers before slithering into the shady patch of dry grass on the other side of the path. Disappeared almost immediately, couldn't figure out where it went. Yesterday I saw a lone goldfinch in an apple tree and later spotted a couple of hawks in the ravine, mostly by locating their calls. They were very vocal. Late-ish afternoon, sun starting to drop in the sky, think they had been hunting.

Today, I arrived at work only to open my email to find that my father had been hospitalized, and then checked voicemail to find a call from my mother that I missed this morning. So, obviously I took off the remainder of the week to go up there. Just waiting for the right time to catch the bus to the ferry. So far, the transit system still is pretty good on the weekdays.

Peace

a Wednesday in July

Been wearing jeans all day and finally was able to change out of them, cool off and look at my legs. My legs which I put (probably too much) self-tanner on this morning. Pretty orange, at least my feet are...wonder if it will come off in the shower at all? Except for my feet, the part of my legs where I put it are fairly evenly orange, so that's good. Will have to decide if I will go bare-legged this week. I might. It's in the 70's, a cooling trend. A year ago it was 104 or something like that. It's almost 10 pm, just finished walking home after planting pole beans and lettuce and checking on the okra I planted 3 weeks ago after freezing then soaking the seeds to speed up germination. I think in retrospect I might have oversoaked them. 10 of the 30 or so sprouted and have now begun to finally put out true leaves. Good thing that we have a long Indian Summer.

Stopped for Thai food on the way home, mostly I was thirsty and I wanted to read more of "Just Kids" by Patti Smith. It's about her life with Robert Maplethorpe in the late 60's-early 70's, mostly in NYC. Will write more later, having internet connectivity issues. Peace