Did not go afterall

I woke up at 5 am and called him just before 6 to say I was going to give my vocal chords a rest and not go.  Fell back asleep, got up late, and as I was getting ready to go to market, my roommate asked if I wanted to go to coffee.  I went, drank tea (which made me shaky, didn't realize how much caffeine was in tea) and we talked about life and work and music and travel and languages and Russian literature for two hours.  It was good.  Missed the market, didn't really need to go, but I like it.  I like buying my food from the people that grow it.  Been going there for years.

Went to the second half of the New Play Lab series at Freehold.  Devastating, but good.  More people should see them.  (This group reads once more, tomorrow night.)

(Up) In the sky, (while) walking home, another dramatic rising moon.  In chalk, on the sidewalk, this:

Chalk, Sept 13/L Herlevi 2014

Random picture of non-rising moon/L Herlevi 2014

Friday, late

Just got home from the New Play Lab (A series.)  All three readings tonight were great, and though I realize they are still works in progress, I hope they can get them produced at some point.  My scene partner was in one of them, "Ecstasy" by Ruth-Ellen Perlman, and directed by Andrew McGinn.  The casting was spot-on, especially Susan Corzatte as Callie/Didey (mother-in-law), she has wonderful comedic timing, and Scott Ward Abernethy who has an intense, and unsettling, stage presence that really works in everything I've seen him in, as Dion, the former tennis pro.  But they were all good.

There was an art walk/block party on the street going on as well.  I went early to read plays (Chekhov, Pinter, Williams-they are due soon...I really like Chekhov, did I mention that before?  I get lost in it), but ended up hanging out on the street and watching a band for 45 minutes instead. (Benjamin Verdoes, and also his band Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band.  I'd always meant to check them out, so that was fortuitous.  Liked it.)

Came home and had a message regarding a ride to Canada tomorrow, at 6 am, but I can't call him now, as it's too late.  Maybe I'll try calling at 6 am.  I don't think he knows that I've moved, so I don't want him to go knock on the door of my old house.  I sent him an email, but again, it's late.  No one got back to me until tonight...I've been checking.  Crossed wires, once again.

Sleep.

The moon is rising, but I wonder if it will be dark enough here to see the northern lights?

End of the season

Second choir tonight.  Had trouble singing.  It doesn't quite hurt like it did last year, but definitely not the best experience.  On the fence regarding going to Canada for the workshop this weekend; a whole day of it right now might not be a good idea, but then again, always good to get more training.  And my forehead is tense again.  Still can't figure out what I'm doing.

These about sums up my summer, all of it feeling somewhat chaotic - in a wild, organic way.  Everything going where it will.  Unfettered.  (The internet connection is slow and touchy tonight, perhaps it's the solar flare.  Also brings chance of northern lights...the skies are clear.)

The squash. Found a fence, Sept 11/L Herlevi 2014

Scarlet Runner Beans, Sept 11/L Herlevi 2014

Wednesday

The demolition begins at 7 am.  The air heavy with mist, the rooftops damp, the engines begin their rumbling, and push around debris that was once a house.  I close the windows to keep out the dust.

When I come home after clown jam, the house is actually kinda cold.  It's chilly out.  Sky full of stars, only a few wisps of clouds in the east, adding dramatic effect to the no-longer-full, rising, moon.  House across the alley, now just an empty lot.

It's late.

Tonight we decided to dedicate part of our time together each month to generating material.  And to that end, we set ourselves a goal of spring for a show of some sort.  So, there will be more focus, and hopefully that will appeal enough to people so that they will come.  I like the play element, but it's true, we are also performers, and having more of a purpose, to create, to perform, a point to move toward, would be good.  And I too, work better with the pressure element.  I wish it weren't so, but it helps me with creativity, once I unfreeze.  (You know, you plod dutifully along in one direction on a final project all quarter only to change the direction and rewrite the entire thing over the night before it's due.  Incredibly stressful, but it happened a lot for me.  Things aren't there until they are, and for me, time pressure helps with that.  We'll see if it does with this, or if I do more production work on it.)  I would love to create something though.

Random thought while walking earlier today:  Compassion is a daily practice, choosing to see the good in another, (especially when you don't want to) over and over again until it becomes a habit.  Choosing love over fear.  There's no magic wand to change how you think, you just practice, and practice.

I revisited this place to see how it's held up.  It's been awhile.

Ivy, Sept 10/L Herlevi 2014

Re-visiting, Sept 10/L Herlevi 2014

Established in place, Sept 10/L Herlevi 2014

Tuesday

Someone just handed me a mocha, so I'm sitting here staring at it.  I should probably discretely give it to someone else.  Eleven days no coffee, thirteen or fourteen without sugar, and dairy...well, yeah. (There was yogurt in something I ate over the weekend.)

The folk choir started last night.  Hadn't sung, nor used, Finnish in a while, so it was good practice...I am out of practice.  For some reason, it made my forehead tense, I can't even imagine why that would be.  Anyway, we have a gig in two weeks, and there's a singing workshop I think I got talked into going to: someone offered me a ride (it's 3+ hours away, we'll have to leave at 6 am) and someone else offered to pay my registration.  I'll probably go.  (I just have to figure out the food situation.  I don't want to get a bad reaction-of the splitting headache, crampy variety-with a four-hour drive home.  I can eat rice cakes, I guess.) I had just reserved tickets for a new play lab for the same day.  I can change them, I guess.  I'd like to learn some new Finnish music.  Joining this choir has opened a lot of opportunities up.  I've mentioned this before, but because we are the only one in the US (or at least the region) performing this music, we are asked to sing quite a bit.  There are some cool events this year, tentatively.  (Things aren't for sure until they happen.)

Back to all my time being on a schedule again.  Should find a happy medium at some point, but it makes me feel like something is moving forward.

I'm not running from anything, more like filling the time.  Still sometimes it feels like just "busy."  Though if I didn't fill it, I'd probably sit around and watch YouTube clips.  So, yeah.

It's not that I'm lazy, but that I have to care enough.  (I am somewhat burned out.)  If it matters to me, I'll do what it takes to accomplish or pursue something.  Barring knowing what that is right now, I'm biding time until I find it.  Need to find a way to get dance classes back in my budget, and still be able to eat.  I really want to dance...besides walking, it's the only exercise I can imagine enjoying, and it's great for centering and keeping aware of how one moves...keeping up some part of the acting craft.  If you're not in a show, a class, or part of a collective, it's hard to keep the practice going in the downtime. (Plus, attending a dance class would include group work, and spatial awareness with that.  Yeah, I could dance around on my own and I do, but it's not the same.  Dancing in the studio, with other people, adds something to it, breaks the isolation.)  Meisner class was certainly a gift.

My road has diverged...destination unknown.

Back to it

Sometimes I think if I just write, something will turn up.  Finally went to a couple of performances today.  Was debating between "Angels in America" and "Waiting for Godot."  Settled on the latter because it started a half hour later than the first and the bus wouldn't have gotten me to the former on time.  While waiting in line to see how much the ticket was going to be (my pass gets me a discount) someone turned in a ticket they weren't gonna use and so the ticket people handed it to me.  A much better seat (second row, center) than I would've had...so "thank you" to whomever surrendered the ticket.  The show itself was excellent, put on by the Seattle Shakespeare Company.  Well cast, great staging, and excellent job with the language, and cultural translation. (Irish humor, originally written in French, and translated into English by Beckett.  It was also his first play.)  Afterward, I went to write, but ended up running into friends so I chose talking to them over writing (I can write when I'm alone) and then watching the first half of the Shakespeare Intensive's final showcase.  They were good.  I'm starting to like Shakespeare again after this summer.  It's not Shakespeare himself, it's that I've seen so many uninspired productions (particularly of "Romeo and Juliet" and "Midsummer Night's Dream") that'd I'd kinda' soured to it.  (And I'm not particularly crazy about either of those plays.  Willing to have my mind changed.)  The woman who played Richard III tonight made for a wonderfully, menacing, creepy man.

I left at the break because I needed to go to the grocery store before it closed.

That's pretty much it for me.  Was thinking about the idea that you won't let anyone love you until you love yourself.  It's not that they don't, but that you second guess and reject it, if you don't see your own worth.  Not sure what made me think about that.

I'm back at work tomorrow.  Never did empty any of the boxes.  (The sudden breeze that's flowing through the window feels like someone just turned on a massive air conditioner.  It got hot again today.)

Random things while walking to the Shakespeare showcase.

Cart with dinosaur, Sept 7/L Herlevi 2014

Belltown, Sept 7/L Herlevi 2014

Last day of vacation

Start and restart.  I have a handful of drafts, things I started to write and then decided not to publish.  Things to add to later, or not.

Went for a long walk in the morning.  Intention was to later both go garden, and empty boxes.  All week.  Haven't done either.  Listening to the radio and making soup.  Enjoying the intention of nothingness.  Been thinking about seeing a show almost every night this week, but decided against structuring my time.  Enough of that coming up, and the vacation was because I was feeling such a pull (almost being repelled) away from that.  I do need to get to the garden though: a rose bush needs to be pruned back from the path, among other things. (And I could use more vegetables, going through a lot.)  It's funny how when you limit your options your cravings adjust to fill the void.  I'm eating a lot of almond butter (eating it with quinoa, bananas, and almond milk for breakfast), something I almost never eat.  My mom gave me a jar at Christmas, and I just opened it.  (It's still good.)

I don't miss the coffee so much this week, I've been drinking Mate, but not everyday, nor the sugar anymore.  I do miss being able to go out to eat, I really enjoy that.  Options are limited.  Next week will be tougher, as I'll be back at work, and I can't just cook something when I get hungry.  But I feel pretty good, starting to balance out my energy better.  As for everything else, I'm not gonna worry about any of it today.  Things will happen as they happen.  Keep making connections and putting out feelers.  But not this week.  Things are about to get crazy again.

Summer's over.

Looking up at trees, Sept 5/L Herlevi 2014

Season's over, Sept 5/L Herlevi 2014

Later.  I was wondering what had become of the end of a tromboncino squash plant I have growing, it seemed to have disappeared into the verge.  When I walked over to the compost and looked back, I noticed it had reemerged and is now climbing up my neighbor's fence.  Will have to look into that.  Redirect its growth.  The vine is over 15 feet.  Has produced just one squash, (which someone suggested I use as a neck rest on an airplane-I ate it instead) but impressive nonetheless.

Daily inspiration

I left the house with thoughts of reading, I'd already done some writing because I'd woken up early and didn't feel like eating. Grabbed a play, a book on pilgrimage (in general), and a book written about Greece.  I looked up a poem before I left, thought maybe it could inspire the rest of my day...a Greek poet.  C.V. Cavafy.  I think he was writing in the early 1900's, but not positive.  Poem is called "Ithaka."  Something I take along when I travel. You can read it here. (I don't want to defy copyright laws.) http://www.cavafy.com/poems/content.asp?cat=1&id=74

Caught a bus to one of my other favorite coffee shops because they used to serve Mate, though I found they no longer do, so I drank green tea instead and started reading, "Dinner with Persephone" by Patricia Storace, an American poet, about her year living in Greece. The prose is evocative, really enjoyed her invitation into that world.  Only read one chapter because I am still distracted, even though the coffee shop wasn't particularly busy.  Women with strollers.  A language student and tutor.  An older couple speaking an Eastern European language.  The girl next to me with a stroller, seeming too young to have a child.  She sits cross-legged on the bench and writes in a small red journal, then later starts an art project, all the while rocking the stroller, and listening to music on her iPod.  The whir of a fan, the steamer, the rattling of porcelain and silverware, and the sound of jazz, compete for my attention.  The book makes me want to move, if only temporarily, to a foreign country.  To experience life with open eyes because everything is foreign, everything is new.  But I'm restless.  I close the book and get up and walk to the beach.  It's my natural history day.

The beach is empty now that the summer season has ended.  I walk in a direction I don't usually go.  Looking at a familiar landscape from a different viewpoint than I usually do.  The tide is high.  It's overcast and a little cold.  I crawl in the sand on my knees to get a different view of things, to take pictures.  When I sit to write, a bird I've never seen before shows up and starts foraging in the dune grasses.  I observe it for half and hour.  It doesn't mind me, but when someone starts flying a kite nearby, it cowers with every pass and swoosh of the kite.  I look at graffiti left on rocks, and imagine it as petroglyphs left for future generations to find and try to decipher, what messages were left to follow?  What do we want to be remembered for?

The tide retreats and I look to see what it left in it's wake.  Holdfasts for kelp.  Broken strands of seaweed.  Empty shells.  The sound of tumbling rocks and the unexpected roar of waves.

The clouds dissipate and it gets hot.  People arrive, populate the lonely expanse of sand.  And I leave.  It was almost four hours of wandering.

Some pictures.

Glyph-like, September 3/L Herlevi 2014

Almost empty, September 3/L Herlevi 2014

Crawling, Sept 3/L Herlevi 2014

Later, Sept 3/L Herlevi 2014

Turtles and a duck, Sept 3/L Herlevi 2014

Something

Blew my day cleaning the bathroom, eating (which, okay, involved cooking, so that's something) and watching a British show on youtube called "The Supersizers Eat," where these two people go back to another time period for a week and live like people would have during said time period, mostly as related to food.  (Watched the Victorian and Medieval England episodes, the latter looking more edible than the former, though you couldn't drink the water during Medieval times, at least not in England.)  Finished off the last of the soup with dairy in it (roasted cauliflower and garlic, with dill, cream, drinkable yogurt...only way I could find to consume that, not particularly drinkable for me, but worked in a soup.) And ate part of my "emergency" baking chocolate bar, technically not supposed to eat chocolate, but it doesn't have sugar or dairy in it...I'm starting to really like it, don't miss the sugar.  I'm probably making too many concessions, but I am off of everything now.

Thunder storms rolled through earlier (another rain storm just started), and got my window (well one of them) closed in the nick of time, seconds later, the wind lashed the rain against the house, the flooded streets turned to rivers, and drenched people dripped down the street, so soaked it was beyond the point of running for cover. Now it sounds like animals are running across the roof.  I can't see the rain, but in the distance where the sky is still light, streaks hang and drift across the sky.  Now only wind and traffic...all of it blending into a background roar.

If I get some writing done and maybe read a play, I guess that'd be somewhat productive.

Right after closing window, Sept 2/L Herlevi 2014

Going out to rescue the bath mat, Sept 2/L Herlevi 2014

Time off

Got tired in the middle of eating breakfast yesterday and had to take a nap...not sure what's up with that.  Someone later commented that I'm probably not getting enough calories.  Later, worked at Bumbershoot for most of the day.  Ended up going to both the Jacco Gardener and Foster the People shows after.  Realized that I'd only actually heard one song by Foster the People ("Pumped up Kicks".)  Seemed like a good show, the crowd loved it, but I couldn't see the stage most of the time (and my back was hurting...age) so it was more like standing in the middle of a dance party for me.  I finally followed some people out of the crowd (I somehow had ended smack in the middle) and from the edge, the view was actually better, and you could move.  Not my thing, but they are good at what they do, it made people happy, and you can dance to it. (I didn't leave.)

Also saw a couple songs of Kore Ionz (Hawaiin reggae) and La Luz (dreamy surf-rock, all women).  Enjoyed both.  My favorite thing of the day was the Fussy Cloud Puppet Slam, which was packed (three rows of people sitting on the floor, in front of the seats), really well received, and ridiculously charming.  I love that there is an adult audience for puppetry.  The next one is in January.

I've been trying to do too many things because I feel stagnant (stuck?) after so much forward movement and to suddenly have everything stop.  Slight panic.  But maybe it's okay to "do nothing" right now.  I don't know.  I have a fear of sliding backward when every one around me is progressing.  So, I've been flaky about following through with ideas, even though they are things I want to do...just feel like I added pressure where I needed to let it go some.  I overwhelmed myself.  Anyway, I guess I'll focus on my health and emptying boxes this week.  (I took it off: it's a good time to be away from work-slow- and I needed some unstructured time.  Had started to feel a lot of rebellion building up.  I probably need more than a week.  It's been three years since I've taken time off where I didn't have to be doing something else: school, show, tour, moving, etc...oh, I guess there was the camping trip in 2012, but that was only a couple of days.)

Errands, writing, and then back to finish tackling the bathroom...not in my plans, but it needs it. (The house smells bad, trying to figure out why.)