Friday, January 31, 2014

Daily

The evenings slowly lighten.  In rhythm with my footsteps, light after light turns on, alerting me to my own presence.
 
After 5 pm, January 31/L Herlevi 2014

Greenish Cast, January 31/L Herlevi 2014

Location?

There are a lot of places I'd like to visit, maybe stay awhile, but up until at least this point in my life, only two cities where I'd want to live: London, and the one I'm in.  They are both holy grail cities for me.  London, because of all the music and it just always seemed so cosmopolitan and cool, and Seattle because my heart has always been drawn here, even when I've tried to move to other cities, I've always come back.  I think I've written this before, it's the emotionally distant lover that keeps drawing you in.  Maybe when I overcome my need for that, I'll want to live somewhere else...hard to imagine it, though.

I've spent not enough time in London.  Always in a heat wave.  Wandering.  Getting lost.  Losing myself.  I spent two nights near Victoria Station, coming back from Wales; the doorman kissed me on my way out to catch my flight home. (I get kissed a lot by old men when I travel.)  I had a strange encounter with a pelican in the park near the palace, I swear it was flirting...strange creatures.  Anyway, I would live in other cities, but I want to live in these two.  I bring this up because of the fantasy idea in class: what is the extent of the possible?  Where does it go when you "dream bigger?"  What do you want (when you let yourself want things?)  And I settle in my fantasies, they are hardly dreams at all...where can I let that go?  London has come up before...London over New York.  At least I know something I want:)  I'm also fine staying where I am now, just about everyone I love is here.

Bought a Groupon deal for a headshot...it was less than $150 and I need something.  I'll have to have someone show me how to do hair and make up, or at least get a haircut.  Now to find monologues...will post picture(s) later.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Time

Feel like everything is in a holding pattern.  As if nothing will ever change.  Clearing out files and emptying boxes to get rid of things that are no longer needed, but have weight and guilt attached (the "I really need to deal with that" kind.)  Moving things that are blocked energy.

And have also received the gift of time: 1) rehearsal got cancelled tonight which frees up 3 hours for writing, plus exercises for class; 2) got wait-listed for auditions, and there are no prelim auditions in February, so have another month to get this monologue thing together.  If I were non-caucasian or singing for the audition I might've gotten bumped up in priority.  I do actually hope this means they will cast more asian women in non-stereo-typical roles...I've heard that complaint, I think I agree with it...or hispanic/latino women (think I saw one asian woman cast against type, in a very small role; no latino women at all this past year. The show I did doesn't count, we signed up for it.  And I'm talking general casting calls, the big shows, not the specifically ethnic companies, or the smaller companies, who are already diverse and doing great work.)  Anyway, I still need strong monologues, there have been a lot of audition notices that I would like to answer, but I need something to present.  I also need a head-shot still (working on that.)  The show I really want to do has rehearsals that conflict (heavily) with class, so will probably have to pass on it.  There will be others.

I should clarify what I meant by the text comment.  I don't really like "in" jokes in plays especially if they are so locationally specific...how does that play in St. Louis is five years?  I don't think you should have to explain it.  It needs to be a pretty broad reference if it's gonna translate to another audience.  Perhaps I mean it can be "alienating?" Not sure what word I want.  Whether it's meant to be or not, it comes across as exclusive (and I got it, I'm from here.)  It's my own personal beef.  I've seen it in other workshopped plays, and everyone wanted to keep it in, but no one anywhere else was gonna know what you were talking about, even here in five years...and I think that distracts from the overall play, or it flies over and becomes unnecessary fluff (because it doesn't land with anyone, it doesn't mean anything to another audience. Not advocating for generic, most plays aren't, just not private jokes.)  And it annoys me when I do it.  I think a play has a need for an economy of words...you have such a short time to tell your story.  (And in general, I liked the play.  I'd see it again.)

Maybe the delivery was off last night.  I don't know: it stuck out, and pulled me out of the story.  A print-making instructor I once had made the comment about getting too attached to our work, to an idea, so that you don't let yourself move beyond that.  Something something "the precious."  Can't remember the exact words.  Had to do with being afraid to push your work further beyond what you think is finished.  And she always made us take it at least one step past what we thought was final.  (It was reductive print-making, you keep cutting away after each run through the press.  A permanent kind of editing.)  Not saying this playwright is guilty of that here, but we all are at times, I am sometimes, and it reminds me of that.

Revising.  Revision.  Reimagination.  Growth.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Obedience experiments

Cannot figure out where this mildew smell is coming from.  Pretty strong.  I'll probably need to move.  Crap.  (I don't have time to move.  Or the money.  Or a car.)

One of the coffee shops I like is closing on Friday.  Their lease is up, and they don't have another space, Star Life on the Oasis.  Went there to read before going to see a play at the University.  Had an avocado/green apple/pineapple/lime smoothie, which was surprisingly good.

The play was a preview of "Reading to Vegetables," written by EM Lewis, and directed by Tina Polzin (second year directing student.)  From the director's note in the play program, it's "a play about ethics, responsibility, and the fine line between right and wrong.  It exists in a world without regulations where humans can be the rats in an experiment.  It asks us to question our own role; to think about the choices we've been making.  We talk about moral decisions like there's a clear right and wrong, but they are complex, and I think we need to be continually reminded to actively listen to our decisions and their consequences so that we don't repeat them."

Watching it, I couldn't help but continually think, "This can't happen now.  This is so unethical."  Since this is the world premiere of this, I'm hoping some of the dialogue gets tweaked.  The character Ken Schaefer has a lot of gratuitous dialogue about coffee that feels clunky.  And the job interview felt like it needed more dialogue.  It felt unexplained and sudden.  But I like the concept, and the actors were good overall.

The subject matter was interesting, the idea of going after a goal regardless of the consequences, the act of obedience, and at what point do you take responsibility for what happened.  I think I read somewhere that this was based on the Milgram experiment of the 1960's where study participants were being tested on their willingness to obey an authority figure even if that went against their own conscience.  The participants gave electric shocks (or believed they did) to someone they couldn't see every time they answered a question wrong, and the shocks increased in intensity the more wrong answers there were.  The actual person on the "receiving" end was an actor and would pound on the walls as the shocks increased.  There were recorded screams for each shock as well.  Even when they tried to question the safety of the receiver, the shockers were told to continue and that they wouldn't be held responsible.  Most of them did continue, but were shaken by the experience (of causing harm to someone else.)  Although, none went to see the state of the receiver without receiving permission first.

This is a quote from Milgram in 1974: "Ordinary people, simply doing their jobs, and without any particular hostility on their part, can become agents in a terrible destructive process. Moreover, even when the destructive effects of their work become patently clear, and they are asked to carry out actions incompatible with fundamental standards of morality, relatively few people have the resources needed to resist authority" -Milgram, Stanley (1974). "The Perils of Obedience". Harper's Magazine. Archived from the original on 2011-05-14.  Abridged and adapted from Obedience to Authority.  (I found this on Wikipedia.)

Amanda Hilson as Beth Mills and Christopher Donoghue as Tom Linkowski stood out for me in this.  I think this might be the same cohort of actors I saw in the Tennesee Williams shorts last year.  It's a 3-year graduate program, haven't seen any of the other years, I don't think.  Runs through Feb 9.

No pictures: rained all day.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

After class number 8

It's finally raining, pouring, again.  Back to commitment issues: I come up with an idea and then some part of me keeps trying to come up with other possible scenarios, looking to see if there is something better, and it all gets muddled and superficial and I never make it far enough along any path to really have teeth to it.  She suggested I give that voice (that tries to make me second guess my choices-my first ones are usually the right ones) a specific task to do and tell it to shut up.  (It's fear, perhaps.)  And I need to follow impulses, and we needed more detail to relationship, it was also too superficial to work with.  At least one more exercise this week.  Get another chance to get closer to getting this right.  Big step backward tonight.  Certainly humbling.  (Anyone that tells you acting is easy is lying.)

No picture, but I liked this tribute to Pete Seeger: http://www.komonews.com/news/entertainment/Folk-singer-activist-Pete-Seeger-dies-in-NY-242337361.html

New leaders need to rise up.  The power of song.  RIP Pete Seeger.

Here is: We Shall Overcome (it's just the music with the lyrics)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhnPVP23rzo&list=AL94UKMTqg-9BErVghzNetF_L6bOqQyzjH

Monday, January 27, 2014

Monday

By morning, fog had enveloped everything.  No surgery for now.  Hand therapy.  (Which I might add, I tried to get 2 years ago, but all that was offered to me at that time was surgery.  Maybe there'd be less damage...no way to know.)

I am completely overwhelmed.  I know I keep saying that, but there are not enough hours in a day or a month to do everything I said I would.  Tunnel vision, just jumping through the hoops as they appear now. Wish I'd bought a tv dinner, I need to eat and am too tired to cook...working my way through a bag of almonds. (Came home, dropped off my stuff, went to rehearsal, just got home again, dealt with the garbage and recycling and now I'm tired.)

Started reading the book "Quiet-The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain.  It's an interesting read, and I liked her TED Talk on YouTube... I had been thinking maybe I'm a shy extrovert, but on the unscientific introvert quiz, 15/20 were true for me and a couple were "depends on the context."  I'm fine in a big group once I know people.  And I like crowds, but eventually get overwhelmed, and noise bothers me more the later it gets, exponentially.  I might actually be an introvert that's closer to the center than the far end.  (For instance, I like performing.  And I'll take big risks, but not regularly, and I tend to mull over them a lot beforehand.)

Time to learn more lyrics, just in case I get the exercise soon.  And to get solid on why I'm doing my physical task.  Got my membership card today.  Feel official now:)  Met the new choir director, she studies Baltic music, I think.  I was asking her about Songfest and if she was going this summer, she is, not the one in Tallin, but the one in Lithuania.  I want to go to the one in Tallin and sing "Tuljak" with 40,000 people, maybe next time.

I have a couple of blurry pictures of birds and this (the birds didn't want to be photographed today-a n. flicker, a nuthatch and a bunch of robins):
Alley Wall, Jan 27/L Herlevi 2014

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Oh, shoulda' brought a camera tonight

The fog had already rolled in heavy downtown by the time we got out of class tonight.  The lights on the trees reminded me of stars, the lights on the freeway northbound made the sky look like the underside of a circus tent, or a mattress.  Then there was a break between the canal and the University, one thick finger of fog reaching up from the water, encroaching like the first rivulet bringing inundation.  Slow moving.  At home it was clear, hard frost on the ground, sky full of stars, no light pollution.

Someone commented that they appreciated seeing me grow and relaxing into the work more.  I guess that's a good thing.  (My room suddenly smells sweet like mildew, I'm going to have to open my window and freeze.)

We have a new exercise that we will all have to get through...oh, holy...I was right to be scared.  It'll be a good thing if we survive it (and we will.)  The point is to break through all the masks (they have to go in order to be available on stage), and I need to break through mine, but you know, that's terrifying.  Anyway, that's what the songs are for.  Also, somehow it occurred to me tonight that I can actually use the emotional exercises from clown to get into the first emotional state for entering.  That was liberating to remember.  I can do that, and it doesn't involve beating myself up in the process.

Cheers, I need to get up early.

Afraid

Meisner.  Chair work is tortuous.  It's harder having taken such a long break from it.  I like the value of it, I see and value it's usefulness in connecting with someone else on stage and being able to pick up on what's going on, and I know it makes me a much better actor.  But, if you are easily distracted, which I am, it's really hard to do.  And I realize doing it is good in helping me to focus, calling my focus back again and again.  It's just a really long time to completely focus on someone else, or to have them focus on me.  What is seen?  It's so intimate.

Today is class seven of twenty four.  We are about to go into three classes a week (for three weeks, I think), this scares me.  I realize I survived this in clown last summer, and that was intense and I'd sit there with growing dread knowing I'd have to enter the ring at some point...it's easier to go first.  Anyway, I feel that way about the two-minute speech tonight, I'd rather get a root canal than give a speech.  And this class is scaring me now more than clown.  I feel tense in my core just writing that.  And I guess my biggest fear is that after surviving these nine months (like gestation) nothing will have changed...that I'm really just a fraud.  Maybe it's that fear that keeps my imagination hiding in some dark corner I can't get at.  Still, I think perhaps I have changed and it's just all the voices that told me I wasn't good enough trying to drown me out.  Time to get my homework done, so I show up with something to share, and those voices don't win today.

Peace.
Two Days, Jan 26/L Herlevi 2014

Saturday

Just got home from catering gig, reception for a dance troupe...they were very nice.  I was feeling edgy (for the last few hours) eventually had to leave because my bus was gonna stop running soon and I was getting really bossy.  Not sure what that was all about.  A little stressed about the homework for tomorrow, still not sure what I'm doing my two-minute impassioned speech about.  I feel passionate about a lot of things, but when I have to...hitting my very regular wall: emotions/imagination going flat when I need to call on them.  Sigh.  (Got more songs I'll sing though.)

Went grocery shopping before the catering job, and was telling the cashier I had bought too much and wasn't sure how I was going to carry it home and just as I said that, my boss stopped at the end of the register and offered me a ride home, which I took her up on.  I have odd instances of synchronicity.

The first picture is because it seemed to me that the fog made the skyline look taller somehow, and the second was of a house that's decorated for all holidays.

Skyline, Jan 25/L Herlevi 2014


Heart, Jan 25/L Herlevi 2014

Friday, January 24, 2014

Procrastination doesn't help

Well, this is a fine time to go crush-less...not even anyone on tv or a movie or anything.  Nada.  Well, I guess that leaves me with: rage, revenge, terror, or triumph (I did do triumph last week, but maybe I could go for it more.)

So, I rushed out of work and got to the library just as it was closing and got the book checked out.  Skimmed over it on the bus, dilemma: it's from 1993 (one strike), looking over the auditor comments for the last few general auditions there's a fair amount of "not so much sexual, violent, profane, etc." and these scripts are fairly: sexual, violent, profane, etc...there's one that goes black comedy, but my other one goes in that direction, and I'm looking for contrast.  I really want something straight up drama, without trying to prove how edgy it can be (it's not really anymore, anyway.)  It's a tough call, I'm going on the auditor comments, but I have very little experience auditioning (I have auditioned, but I didn't know what I was doing), and the person who I asked for advice has a lot of experience, and I should listen to her.

Went to go pick up my mail, but didn't get the TPS membership card, yet.  I think I'm supposed to get one.  Just bought a theatre pass, too, though I don't really have any free time in Feb: we are in class 16 hours a week for most of the month.  Still need a head shot.  Maybe I'll just shoot it myself.  (It's not entirely out of the question, I have a lot of self-portraits from earlier in life when I did more studio work.  Need someone to do something with my hair though.)

My ankle is really stiff, hurt to walk earlier (before I stopped for the day.)  I don't remember tripping and spraining it.  Curious.  Epsom salts? 

Someone commented to me that she thought facebook was narcissistic...I think about that every time I post now.  Totally aware that this is too.  Cheers.

It was so blue out, and then the skyline looked so clean and new and shiny as the sunset faded pinks into cobalt into black...full of stars.
Bridge, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014
Poplars, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014

Sunset from the bus, Jan 24/L Herlevi 2014