Afraid

Meisner.  Chair work is tortuous.  It's harder having taken such a long break from it.  I like the value of it, I see and value it's usefulness in connecting with someone else on stage and being able to pick up on what's going on, and I know it makes me a much better actor.  But, if you are easily distracted, which I am, it's really hard to do.  And I realize doing it is good in helping me to focus, calling my focus back again and again.  It's just a really long time to completely focus on someone else, or to have them focus on me.  What is seen?  It's so intimate.

Today is class seven of twenty four.  We are about to go into three classes a week (for three weeks, I think), this scares me.  I realize I survived this in clown last summer, and that was intense and I'd sit there with growing dread knowing I'd have to enter the ring at some point...it's easier to go first.  Anyway, I feel that way about the two-minute speech tonight, I'd rather get a root canal than give a speech.  And this class is scaring me now more than clown.  I feel tense in my core just writing that.  And I guess my biggest fear is that after surviving these nine months (like gestation) nothing will have changed...that I'm really just a fraud.  Maybe it's that fear that keeps my imagination hiding in some dark corner I can't get at.  Still, I think perhaps I have changed and it's just all the voices that told me I wasn't good enough trying to drown me out.  Time to get my homework done, so I show up with something to share, and those voices don't win today.

Peace.

Two Days, Jan 26/L Herlevi 2014