Starting is always half the battle

In the fading light, the persimmons looked orange so I picked them.  Once I got home and under the house lights, they were in fact, fairly green.  I should've waited until the leaves fell, but the squirrels have been getting the best of them, leaving half-eaten fruit still hanging from the branches, and I wanted one, too.

Just started two more books: "An Acrobat of the Heart," by Stephen Wangh, and "Improvisation for the Theatre," by Viola Spolin.  I'm looking for physical exercises, both for group and solo work, to help with developing something for the show, and also for personal scene/monologue work.  I've lost track of how many books I am currently "reading," should finish something, if only for a sense of closure. (And to return some of them.)

Thoughts on jealousy and insecurity: Feed it into the work.  Guess these arise as they will, but they are more destructive when left to spin and ponder, rather than used as fuel for action, growth, or...something.  If jealousy is spawned because I'm not doing more myself, then I guess that's fuel for doing something rather than stewing.  It's hard not to compare myself and wonder in all the ways I lack, that I'm not enough...and I don't even know what "enough" would be.  If I'm not, I'm not, and if I think too much about it, I'll lose sight of me, as I actually am, as opposed to who I would need to be to be deemed worthy in someone else's eyes.  People see what they see, and want what they want, it's futile to spend too much time trying to change it, or change myself to fit that.  I can only change my own response, which I do (sometimes grudgingly), I can't control anything else, nor should I want to.  But sometimes I do.  Sometimes I give too much weight to what I believe other people think instead of figuring out how to be most authentically myself.  And authenticity is more important than being liked.  (And yet, we all want to be liked...or rather, loved.)  Yeah.

Semi-related note, (if only in my head, but related to the idea of action or movement) I was thinking about how we are often exactly where we need to be, when we need to be.  And when you look back you can see it, or if you're lucky, you'll realize it in that moment.  Trusting that if you start moving, even if you do not know exactly where you are going, cannot see the endpoint, life has a way of opening up for you, if only one footstep at a time.  On the Camino (pilgrimage) forums, people talk about this all the time, how the "road walks you."  How you are where you need to be, when you need to be there.  It happens in our everyday lives, too, it's just easier to see when things are stripped down to basics.  I've been thinking about this lately because I've been hyper-aware of it, that I was doing what I needed to be doing, at the right time.

It's letting go of believing we have to control everything.  It's opening up to chance.  It's a form of grace.

Makes me think of Dr. Seuss, October 27/L Herlevi 2014

Not particularly coherent

My nose has been extra sensitive today, so many things just extra foul: old garbage, pea soup and coffee breathe, urine, etc., waiting for the remnants of the hurricane to wash it away, but so far, the rains have held back.

Been having back issues for the past week, sometime in the middle of the night, the pain went into the top of my neck and woke me up.  Never did go back to sleep, had trouble finding any position that didn't scream out.  Went to get a massage mid-morning, she gave me an extra half hour, but by this evening, the stiffness was creeping in again, though it doesn't hurt quite so much.  This has all made me rather tired.

Went to go see Bill Irwin tonight as part of the "Beckett Fest" happening around town.  He made me think about how one approaches work (or art of any type) at different stages in your life.  What you find at 20 is not what you find at 50 and not what you find at 80.  He also talked about the climate you are living in and how that would affect how you play it as well as how the audience receives it.  And since he's a physical actor, he was asked how that informed approaching such heady work.  I think that's when he talked about working with the late Herbert Blau, he mentioned two things, which I wanted to write down, but other things happened, so by the time I was able to, I'd mostly forgotten, but I think it had to do with: 1) everything is happening right now; and 2) imagination is visceral (which works for me.)  I think #1 was the performance is about you and the audience in this space and moment; and #2 being that sometimes ideas are better expressed through the physical rather than through the thinking or the words.

Also, in the middle of his talk/performance I thought..."and this is all for men, I don't get to know the work at the same level, because it wasn't written for women to perform." ("Endgame," "Waiting for Godot," though he did write women characters into other plays, just not the ones talked about tonight.)  It's true enough, though I'm not sure why that went through my head at that moment.

On the way home, I began to reread Act IV of Othello.  Prep work for the monologue...should get around to finishing the second version of the Chekhov, too, but trying to get some sleep for now.

Sunday

We bury our meaning under a mountain of words, and then spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the truth.

In auditioning class, the fear of performing for others rears its head, though I guess we all are in the same boat to some extent.  Forced myself to do mine a second time for feedback.  Did not back out even though I wanted to, the whole point being to get better, and if you don't risk anything, nothing changes.  I'm understanding the meaning of "driving action," what is the line going through the whole monologue?  Why do you say what you say, to whom you say it to, right now?  I ended my working session early, as I've got a lot of work to do, starting with the internal stuff, and I wasn't going to hit it today, but I do have a sense now of where I'm going.  Think I need to do the classical monologue next time, it will need more work, since I've never studied Shakespeare.

Interesting coincidence in class, the man who went up before me happened to be using the monologue that my character is referring to when I speak.  I asked him about it later, if he'd gotten the part, he said that it wasn't from the audition (the one I just did), but rather that he'd found it online.  Still, what were the odds of him doing the monologue I'm responding to right before me?  Sadly, I'm not sure I let it help me much.

The instructor gave the note (to someone else) to forget all the "beats" and strong acting choices you made and just follow the driving action.  Make the audience forget that they are "watching" a show, and have them believe in the story.  Whomever the audience is, it's the first time they are hearing it, regardless of how many times you've told it: invite them in.

Much to consider.  Know what I'm after, not sure how to get there.

Guess I should watch "Hedda Gabler" now...nice light-hearted evening.

I'm cold from waiting for the bus.  It's been warm for so long, I'm in denial that there is a winter, and it lies before me.

Friday

At the bus stop, coming home from an improv session that didn't end up happening, though at least we generated a few more ideas, a man walks over and stands under the awning, near to me.  Both of us dodging the rain.  Takes out two apples from his bag, contemplates them both, turns, and offers one to me.  Says they are from his neighbor's tree.  Looks them both over, saying he is trying to decide which is best, then hands one to me. I hold it, not feeling particularly well, and hopeful that my bus will arrive at any moment: the sign says "NOW."  Now never arrives.  He eats his, says it's a little overripe, a little mushy, and very sweet.  His bus arrives, and he leaves.  I contemplate the apple, the oddness of the encounter: I am no fairy tale princess, but seem to have been given a lot of apples lately.  A different bus time miraculously changes from 25 minutes to 2 minute away, and arrives.  It speeds homeward, hardly any stops.  I still have the apple.

Earlier, heavy with sadness, across from me on the bus, she, slouched down and sleeping, batman high-top sneakers on her feet, ink-stained leggings, hand held in yours.  Innocence.  Raising her arms in flight, curling her fingers like claws, then stretching awake into her scarf and immediately falling back asleep.  Held in your arms.  Safe with you.  The witness of it helps, but the sadness lingers still.

Stormy

Thought of the day after Suzuki class, "There is tension in stillness."  That just helps with all of it.  (Has to do with what I was doing with my arms, and also a competition that we had to see who could be the most still in between moving.)  This was the last day of the intensive, the drop-ins are only 1x/week.  I want to find a way to keep practicing (with other people), but the time of it is hard for me.  I just feel so grounded, like I have to work to pull my feet off of the floor, and that when they touch the ground again, they are in full contact.  I like that, not a common state for me.  Also, other stuff related to acting and emotional withholding came up and I want to work through it.  I'm finding a relationship with the emotional and the physical that I'd like to spend more time exploring.

We are now having a thunderstorm.  When I walked up the stairs after class it was dumping rain, and then by the time I got my jacket on, it had stopped.  So, I got back to work in the dry window, even patches of blue sky, but that's gone now.  Dark, thunder, wind kicking up.

Lot of information today, I wanted to remember this poem by Kabir, a reminder for me that now is all we've got.  Everything important that you think you can keep putting off, what would you regret if the opportunity to change things, to say things, to do things, were suddenly taken away?
 
The Time Before Death - Kabir (Robert Bly Translation)

Friend? hope for the Guest while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
Think... and think... while you are alive.
What you call "salvation" belongs to the time
            before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you're alive,
do you think ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
just because the body is rotten --
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now,
you will simply end up with an apartment in the
          City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next
life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

So plunge into the truth, find out who the Teacher is,
Believe in the Great Sound!

Kabir says this: When the Guest is being searched for,
it is the intensity of the longing for the Guest
that does all the work.

Look at me, and you will see a slave of that intensity.

Wednesday Evening

Just got home from the PAPT's (UW Graduate School for Drama) production of "Cold Empty Terrible."  A bit of experimental theatre created by the director, ensemble, designers over the course of the past half year.  The point of departure was Treplev's play at the beginning of Chekhov's "The Seagull."  (I did mention earlier that Chekhov is either being performed or influencing a lot of work around town right now.  This is another one.)  Very much an ensemble-based movement piece, the only real dialogue being Chekhov's words from that play.  They are quoted three times, I guess for Past, Present, and Future.  It was like a dream, or a nightmare, depending on how you looked at it:  Moody sound, lighting, stage design, lots of repeated actions.  Not ever very sure what was going on, or why, but I enjoyed watching it.  I liked the way they moved, saw a lot of things I've had some exposure/worked with, used.

I won the tickets at the Mad Art event last month.  Ended up going with the right companion, he found it interesting, said he liked it. (One of my former theatre classmates.)

Didn't not make call backs.  Didn't really expect to, it was a two-person show, and I don't have much experience, not that I couldn't have done it, but I don't know I'd go with me either, with the lack of experience.  (And it gives me the time to start working on this emotion thing; the audition reinforced for me that I need to start again on that.)  Kinda' excited that I can get some reading for pleasure done without feeling guilty about not doing character work.  I'll still do that, just won't be the only thing.  I really want to read a book.

Wednesday

I think the rain may have temporarily stopped, it's no longer pounding on the roof.

Another audition over.  It went alright, though they gave me the same direction as last time, which was to play the emotions hotter...still something I need to work on.  Stage seems like a good place to have these, any consequences would be useful, and yet they remain at bay.  My nerves were almost fine when I went in, though I said a few lines wrong (I got them right the second time through.)  I was shaky after I left the room.

I'm getting better at shaping monologues.  Would like to work this one with a coach, though.  She's talking to a person in a coma, and in doing the monologue for the casting director, I wasn't sure where I should be looking.  Would be good to have another pair of eyes on that and offering suggestions.  Also, I need someone to call me out when my focus wanders.  Gonna try to stay with the Suzuki classes for awhile, it'll be good for that, but I still want someone watching the monologue.  I want feedback, to see if what I think I'm communicating is what is being picked up.

I met with a friend after to try to generate some performance material.  We ended up talking a lot, and doing one improv.  We're trying to come up with something for November, and also February.  It's intimidating to think about creating something out of nothing, possible, just need to keep exploring.  I think I need to start with some sorta form, a basic structure to work inside of.  Otherwise, I get stuck on too many choices, and worry too much about what the right one is rather than just starting.  (That's why I like the improvs, they have a basic outline, such as: A enters; A does something; B enters; B discovers A; A & B interact; one or both leave.)

I made a list of all the things I need to work on, and in my head there are all the things where I'm an absolute beginner.  In some ways it's more exhilarating than daunting, at least there is something concrete to do, not just a racing thought in my head.  When the parts start to come together it'll make sense, but right now it's all just random elements I need to keep track of.  If I stay with it all, it will eventually click, things will fall into place.

Oh, the rain is back.  Missed my window to leave the house and not get soaked.

Thoughts

I admire anyone doing a good monologue, whether  that be a solo performance or an audition.  It's so easy to the let the nerves get to you, to lose focus when it's just you up there (I suppose that's when it's good to work with a director or a coach, and just keep running it.)  When there are other people on the stage, you have the luxury of needing to focus back on them, and going for what you want.  When I walk around and say it, I can connect to what I want, and why she'd say those things, but I know I'll have to have the wants much more solidly in focus, or the nerves will just take control and I'll spit the whole thing out without connecting to anything.  You get 90 seconds.  I guess that's why it's good to use material from plays you've worked on before, it'd be kinda' built in after a point.

Saw "Before Sunset" (Richard Linkletter, dir, with Julie Deply and Ethan Hawke - it's the middle of three) last night.  It's like a much better version of "Serendipity," i.e., better dialogue, higher stakes, no cheap laughs or comic relief, more raw, more urgency to the words.  Both dealing with what if you actually met the "right one" (is there a "right one?") but left the chance of meeting again to fate rather than having the courage, or trust, at the time to claim it.  (Or perhaps, you need all the experiences you had in the intervening years to make it more meaningful...but then, they are pining for each other for all those years..."Hedda Gabler" is in that territory, too, but with a less happy ending - which I also have sitting around waiting to be watched.)  "Before Sunset" came out first.  Julie Delpy's dialogue ran true for me (she wrote it).  And while I'm grateful I didn't marry the one I was with at 21 (mostly for the experiences I've had since then, and the person I became, and none of those would have happened had we stayed together, other things would have, obviously) I'd like to be as open as I was then, have been guarded since (all the things she says.)  We're friends and, unlike the movie, I don't want to be with him, I just want the openness I had toward him, and myself, back.  Watching it, listening to her, made me realize that's been missing for me.

Or maybe it's just a current cycle of high stress talking.  Or this monologue character getting under my skin.

(Darn, the batteries seem to have corroded, and the charger's not very good...so, still no camera.  And now I have to clean up after the batteries.)

Sometime past mid-October

The wind in the leaves sounds like rain.  It's sunny and warm again, the weather reports pessimistically calling the bright blue sky "partly cloudy."  Perhaps it's only the sky above me that is clear.  The forecast is for 70 again.  I've had nothing to write about lately.  Missed a show last night, a preview, because I decided to stay for dinner at an event we sang at earlier in the evening.  They sent me home with food.

I should go walk.  Work on the monologue.  I'm using the second one, mostly because I have a better sense of what she wants in this scene.  Been trying to pin the other one down for the past year, but still not feeling convinced.  I'm not sure which one I'll use for the class.

My legs are feeling normal, just before I go back to class.  I should do some balancing for good measure.  This is my last free Sunday for a while.

Back from a walk, it's dark now.  I am stuck on the last two words.  I think I know what she wants but it never comes out right when I say them.  I mostly have the monologue, as well as the Suzuki text, down.  The house smells like solvent, everyone denies it.  Giving me a headache, even with every window open.

Here are pictures of trees.  (I finally found the batteries, not sure how I missed seeing them, they've been on a bookshelf for a while, I'm guessing.  These were taken with a different camera, the batteries are still charging.)

Yellow, Oct 19/L Herlevi 2014

Tree, Oct 19/L Herlevi 2014

Late afternoon, Oct 19/L Herlevi 2014

Balmy

Some of the stiffness worked out in the doing.  Feel a certain anxiety building as the new exercises (there is another name that is alluding me) are introduced: Can my body actually do that?  What if I hurt myself?  How do I stay focused?  What if I'm a disappointment?  What if I'm wasting your time?  I'm out of my league.  But, I'm trying to accept it all, figure out how to make it all happen, trying to remember all the things: the position, the posture, the focus, the actual movement, the centering, the tension, the control, etc., involved in each one.  And then I go into my head and lose my center.  It'll come.  Just not today.  All the same, it is exhilarating to be learning new things. (So, therein lies my internal tension.)

Cleared up and got sunny and warm.  A nice day to be outside, but I will resist.  I will go home and memorize text, monologue (I need one for the audition class as well as the audition), and do character work.  And then make it to the choir rehearsal for the first time in weeks.

 Life is funny.  Full of random second chances.  Not gonna question that too much.  Just gonna laugh along with it in awe.