Starting is always half the battle

In the fading light, the persimmons looked orange so I picked them.  Once I got home and under the house lights, they were in fact, fairly green.  I should've waited until the leaves fell, but the squirrels have been getting the best of them, leaving half-eaten fruit still hanging from the branches, and I wanted one, too.

Just started two more books: "An Acrobat of the Heart," by Stephen Wangh, and "Improvisation for the Theatre," by Viola Spolin.  I'm looking for physical exercises, both for group and solo work, to help with developing something for the show, and also for personal scene/monologue work.  I've lost track of how many books I am currently "reading," should finish something, if only for a sense of closure. (And to return some of them.)

Thoughts on jealousy and insecurity: Feed it into the work.  Guess these arise as they will, but they are more destructive when left to spin and ponder, rather than used as fuel for action, growth, or...something.  If jealousy is spawned because I'm not doing more myself, then I guess that's fuel for doing something rather than stewing.  It's hard not to compare myself and wonder in all the ways I lack, that I'm not enough...and I don't even know what "enough" would be.  If I'm not, I'm not, and if I think too much about it, I'll lose sight of me, as I actually am, as opposed to who I would need to be to be deemed worthy in someone else's eyes.  People see what they see, and want what they want, it's futile to spend too much time trying to change it, or change myself to fit that.  I can only change my own response, which I do (sometimes grudgingly), I can't control anything else, nor should I want to.  But sometimes I do.  Sometimes I give too much weight to what I believe other people think instead of figuring out how to be most authentically myself.  And authenticity is more important than being liked.  (And yet, we all want to be liked...or rather, loved.)  Yeah.

Semi-related note, (if only in my head, but related to the idea of action or movement) I was thinking about how we are often exactly where we need to be, when we need to be.  And when you look back you can see it, or if you're lucky, you'll realize it in that moment.  Trusting that if you start moving, even if you do not know exactly where you are going, cannot see the endpoint, life has a way of opening up for you, if only one footstep at a time.  On the Camino (pilgrimage) forums, people talk about this all the time, how the "road walks you."  How you are where you need to be, when you need to be there.  It happens in our everyday lives, too, it's just easier to see when things are stripped down to basics.  I've been thinking about this lately because I've been hyper-aware of it, that I was doing what I needed to be doing, at the right time.

It's letting go of believing we have to control everything.  It's opening up to chance.  It's a form of grace.

Makes me think of Dr. Seuss, October 27/L Herlevi 2014