The end of the year

On the last day of the calendar year, the air is cold, but the sun is shining.  Robins chirp and chase each other across the road and into the trees as I walk down the block.  Lots of robins.  Chickadees.  A sparrow.  A lone hummingbird on a bare branch above me.

Lots to do, unmotivated, so I kill time reading Facebook for a while.  Visiting family for a couple of days over the holiday week, staying in a hotel and renting a car, more than enough of a Christmas gift (though I suppose I wouldn't turn down new underwear or wool socks, other than that, don't really need anything.)  Spent the second day in the hotel room, enjoying a clean kitchenette, and a bathroom I wasn't constantly having to clean before even touching anything in.  Distracted all day with writing, then reading, then planning out possible art projects having been suddenly inspired, and napping, because I still wasn't feeling well.  Later, having some regret at not going out and visiting town, or driving out in the countryside I used to know so well, but never have time to visit lately.

Distracted after dinner with the family, for my brother's birthday, and driving back to the hotel, I almost hit another car, but thankfully put my foot back on the brake before the cars made contact.  Forced myself to pay attention.  When I was just about back at the parking lot, I saw what I originally thought might be a large dog off to my right, I slowed down.  It was a deer, long ears, furry against the light in its winter coat.  Then a couple more, a small herd.  After I parked I walked back to see them, further ahead security swept a light across a building, and I thought perhaps I shouldn't be out wandering around in the dark.  They were still there, but I turned and hurried back to the safety of the hotel.

In the morning, before I left for home and to return the car, I stopped to say goodbye to my parents.  My dad suggested taking pictures of the snow geese in the Skagit Valley.  It was too dark, and they were far away.  Mostly crossing the sky, hundreds aloft, the flocks crossing formations with one another, making cryptic patterns in the sky.  One (huge) flock came down to land in a bright green field, swirling en masse, forming a tight white circle of birds on the ground.  Something I hadn't seen before, though I couldn't really pull over, so I just slowed, and glanced repeatedly out the side window as more and more dropped down, widening the circle further and further out.

Back in town, I wondered how I could possibly fill the time of four more days off.  I went out to walk the lake before it rained, choosing the opposite direction than usual.  A white bird landed amidst some crows.  A duck.  No, a goose.  A snow goose, alone, must've got blown off course, lost it's flock.  It wasn't around on Christmas, that I noticed.  The crows harassed it, a lone female mallard seemed open to the company.  I haven't been back, so I don't know if it found its way.

I'll be glad when the holidays are over, and the expectations have passed.  Think I'll go walk a labyrinth later.  They say there is a place to burn things, and I have things I need to let go of.  Let them burn, and start over.

Happy New Year.

Driving at night in the country

I'm tired, so I get in the car and drive to my hotel.  It's dark out.  An all encompassing darkness not often encountered by my city eyes.  I'm driving, alone.  The tail lights ahead of me, two cars, suddenly veer and disappear, but I can't see the turn.  The houses to my left come to an end, there is forest to my right.  Headlights barely give off enough illumination to catch the turn to the right as I come upon it.  A sudden wash of sodium glare from the gatehouse cuts through the darkness:  a lonely artificial island in the night.  I stop, reach to dim my lights, roll down the window, grab my paperwork, as a gloved hand waves me forward.  The woman at the security check-point steps toward me and reaches for my gate pass; eyes me and my stupid owl sweater (stupid, but warm, and the night is cold), looks down at the paperwork, reads it, looks me over again, hands it back, then steps back to wave me through the gate.  Up ahead one car comes toward me, then nothing else.  I pass over the first speed bump before realizing I haven't turned the lights back to full.  I switch them over: it doesn't help much.  I pass the second speed bump.  A few hundred feet ahead a single yellow streetlight burns near a small out-building a somehow welcome sight, even though I know it is empty of people.  Ahead, only darkness, forests on either side.  I'm wide awake, checking the automatic locks, then again, for a sense of security.  I'm fully alert now, my eyes wide, scanning the dark in front of me, trying not to think of horror movies.  Telling myself that the dark figures up ahead are driftwood, trees, stumps; not some person waiting along the side of the road to jump out in front of me...and then wondering what the plan should be if one did?  But it's not.  And the figures are only driftwood, and trees, and stumps.  It's just a drive to a hotel.  Further along, I can see lights of a town glittering across the water, behind me, the yellow light can no longer be seen, and only darkness greets my gaze out the rearview mirror.  The smell of sulphur rises up to my nose through the ventilation system.  I'm passing through a wetland, then the beach to my left.  I glance over to see if the odor is from a low tide, but the tide is high, the water glistening in spite of the darkness.  Overcast, no stars or moon.  Up ahead, abandoned cars in a parking lot of the Exchange, the Commissary.  Ahead of me a car coming toward me makes an abrupt left in front of me, and I am alone again.  Yellow lights flood a gas station off to my right, but I go forward.  At the last moment, see the swerve in the road to the left, to my destination, up the hill.  A mostly full parking lot greets me.  I can see a woman at the front desk, the door still open.  I pull into a parking spot close to the building.  Grab my bags and lug them to the entrance.  It opens for me, the woman looks up and then away; a family plays a card game by a Christmas tree.  I see the carpeted stairs to my floor, climb them, enter my room, and phone home.  I've arrived safely, as I knew I would.  Alone, and now too awake to sleep.

Christmas Morning

It started to snow around 3:30 yesterday afternoon.  It snowed quite heavy all through the Christmas Eve service, and I drove home, roads to my house, a little icy, but manageable.  Every time I had to stop, I gazed at the trees, and how beautiful they looked against the darker sky.  Called home, decided not to drive up.  Spent the evening watching "The Christmas Story" marathon on TNT (watched it more or less twice-I cooked dinner during the second time.)  Four of my housemates were also in town, though they mostly hide in their rooms.

It snowed over night.  There were about three inches in my neighborhood.  I went out and traipsed around the lake for a couple of hours this morning, until my camera batteries died, and I was back where I started at that point.  Also, I wanted coffee.  Starbucks was open, and really busy.  The park was crowded, people out skiing, sledding, creating snow people, building forts...I was somewhat surprised, being Christmas morning and all (but then, also a snow day/holiday, and we don't have that too often.)  Felt festive.  It's melting now.

I thought I might be melancholy, being here, but I woke up really happy.  And I love snow.  Don't know what I'll do for the rest of the day, don't think I'll drive up, not sure what the road conditions are, and I have a car I've barely driven before.

It's so quiet, and peaceful.

Early on Christmas Eve

So, I got sick again, this time on Friday, which I guess was convenient only in that I had already taken the day off.  Had another horrific headache that lasted about 40 hours.  I probably need to go to a doctor, these were eight days apart.  Had some chills and fever with it, too, so...I don't know.  And a bit wiped out on Saturday, but well enough to pick up a rental car and run errands.  But I'm not ready to go out of town tonight.

Had been planning on making calendars, but due to my computer being non-functional, had tried to save the files from a different computer, and they didn't open at the store, so went to a different store today for a plan B.  That ended up taking longer than planned because I decided to have gift-wrapping done (I'm not going to get much else done today, I have to be at rehearsal for singing tonight at 4 pm, and I need to get gas for the car and a bribery present for the dog, since he's afraid of me.)

Walking to the store, I came across a Santa Claus and an elf outside the seafood market, someone told me there had a been a long line earlier.  It cheered me up to see them, but they were gone when I walked back later.

Anyway, I bring this up because the timing of it all allowed me to come back to the car right as a family was walking down the street with paper bags with Christmas trees painted on the front.  They walked underneath a stairwell where people sometimes hang out to get out of the elements, and who have no place else to go.  As they walked away, I heard a voice from under the stairs holler back, "Thank you!"  They were going out of their way to find people unsheltered in the U-District (and there are many) and to give them Christmas presents.  So, beautiful it made me cry.  So glad to have been there to witness it. 

There is still love in the world.

Merry Christmas!

Almost the end of the year

Still waiting on the dryer to be fixed, but landlord thinks the washer is okay.  A friend offered to take me to the laundry mat earlier...might take her up on it, I still need to wash my sleeping bag from my trip.  (Just haven't gotten around to it.  Need a front loader, and we don't have one.  On my last morning hiking, I found what I think was toothpaste all over it.  Not mine, I think someone had spilled it on a couch in the last place I stayed.  I sat on the couch in the semi-dark to stuff my sleeping bag in it's sack, and repack my backpack.)  And ack!  I can't believe Christmas is in less than a week!  I have stuff to get done between now and then, but I just come home and sleep.  Still pretty wiped out.

Last week was pretty rough, though there were surprising bright spots, which made up for the bad.  Also, I found myself able to let go.  In the past, I would've been stressed out all weekend (had a work thing happen late in the day on Friday), but by the time I was ready to go to sleep on Friday night, I'd already let go of it.  My eyes are pretty open and it changes things, but I'm not stewing.  I'm not driving myself crazy or making myself sick over it.  I also received unexpected support, maybe because I'm learning how to let people in.

Been good at being independent for so long, learning how to balance that with letting people in.  Learning how to give people a chance to care.  I'm not good at it, but I'm realizing just because I've always (or at least half my life, I might have been different as a kid) been a particular way, doesn't mean I can't change.  Since I'm still alive, I can change.  Even if it's a steep learning curve, I can grow.  I don't always have to be who I've become by default.  I do still have agency.  I can choose differently.  And our past doesn't necessarily have to decide all future outcomes, changing one thing (outlook, behavior, learning something new which opens doors you always thought of as closed) could make all the difference.  If a single choice can negatively effect your future, than a different single choice could just as easily positively effect your future.  (I'm not thinking of what would seem like a major thing, but if I do it, it will change what my life could be.  That's a strange thought, how something so minor could make that much of a difference, and yet it does.)  And when I look at it that way, there is more hope in it.

Sick day

Feeling listless, listening to a radio station pledge drive.  Home for a second day.  Yesterday I felt like I was dying, laid in a ball on the nasty couch for 14 hours straight.  (Funny how circumstance will change one's standards.  Under normal circumstances I wouldn't put my face any where near that couch.)  Food poisoning or a stomach bug, raging headache (one of the worst I've ever had), which I couldn't get to go away.  Listening to the tv, and having to bury my head whenever food commercials came on, which was often.  Finally, got up at 3 am, finished the cup of licorice tea I'd started drinking at 1 pm (I was afraid of dehydration) and ate a few crackers, and went to sleep in my own room.  Have no motivation to do anything at all now, maybe I'll get around to doing laundry.  Briefly went to get a cup of coffee and return library books.  Did a bit of writing.

Later, both washer and dryer have broken (washer leaking, dryer not turning.)  I tested the washer with a small amount of water, and when it didn't leak too much, ran a wash anyway.  Haven't done laundry in a while, and being sick, felt like it needed to be done.  Have it hanging on a rack now, maybe it will dry by the end of the weekend.  Stood around with a mop and tried to sop up the water.  Surprisingly, landlord got back to me and said he'd stop by tonight.  Fingers crossed.

It was a beautiful day out today.  Ran errands, okay, errand: I went to the drugstore and bought ibuprofen and batteries; and looked at the sunset, also quite nice, while I walked back home.  Now it's barely 5 pm and I want to go back to bed.  I have very few thoughts rattling around my head.  Just  tired.

Sunday, waiting

Classing up the joint by finally hanging up artwork (oh, yeah, finally got around to making the Christmas swag, too.)  I bought this watercolor picture of rhinos at at auction last year, and I wanted to put that up, so went to the the drugstore to buy some of those non-damaging hanger things, because my roommate raised the concern of lead on our walls.  But after attaching the hangers to the wall, I realized the frame is not going to work with them, someone had attached a wire to one corner only, and I haven't figured out how to fix it, yet; it's a strange frame.  I hung my own work up, instead.  I'll probably do more, I have some time to kill before I have to go to work.

Anyway, I was going to buy those and then go to the Farmers' Market, but got side-tracked by looking at pretty rocks, and walking thru Whole Foods eating food samples; finally made it over two hours later.  My day was pretty wide open, and luckily the market was still open when I got there.  Spent the rest of the afternoon hanging art, and cooking random stuff from the fridge.  (Made this Italian sausage, roasted brussel sprout, caramelized onion, pomegranate seed pasta thing...sounds weirder than it tasted.)

I was home too long, and feeling restless with a monkey brain, so went out and walked around the lake around 7 pm.  It was the annual walk around the lake with the path lit with candles.  I think it officially ended some time around 7, but there was still a jazz group playing, and managed to walk half the lake before there were no more lights.  Lots of people.  I like walking it at night, and needed the exercise.  It felt safe enough, though I do have to say, while the candles are pretty, and mark the boundaries of the path, they don't really offer much by the way of illumination.  (It reminded me, that the first time I ever walked the lake after dark, was in '91, on a pseudo date, at around 11 pm.  It was pretty sketchy.  It made me nervous, and my date said something to the effect, "Don't worry, I watched a Kung Fu movie earlier."  Which I still think is funny.  We didn't end up staying there all that long, and he didn't have to defend us from anyone.)

I think I'll take up running in the new year...running and tap dancing.  (I need to get my ankles more stable first, and I need shoes.)

Back into my own life

Ended up passing up an audition (second one, actually) opportunity.  It was sides, too, so if I'd had something I could've used a headshot, I would've done it.  The other thing was since my computer died, and I somehow lost the back-up, I only managed to find an old resume, in an email, that needed updating.  So, at least that's done now.  I actually prefer sides for auditioning vs. a monologue, especially for new work; it gives you a sense of the material, and it lets them see you in context of the show that's being cast.  My mom is paying for my TPS membership for the upcoming year (Christmas present), so I can see the audition listings again (I still see a few, but not many.)  Headshots are just such a big chunk of change (and women usually have the additional cost of hair and make-up, on top of the photographer cost), I mean, you can take 8 weeks of theatre or dance classes for the same amount of money which would help your actual performance (not to mention eat, pay rent); but alas, you don't get the part without jumping through the hoops, and headshots are part of that.  Pay to play.

I'll figure it out.  I took the past year off, for the most part (I did a workshop, a monologue in a performance, and the video shoot) from acting to travel, and get better (health), and pay bills.  Also, there have been a lot of singing commitments, but that's mostly over for a while.  It's in my thoughts again, I want to get back to it.

I'm trying to reorganize my living space, only got to one small corner, but it's an improvement.  I realized I've been living like I'm waiting for the next crisis and that even if I'm only here for one more day, it should still feel like a home.  It hasn't, but at least I understand why.   I've been crouched at the door ready to run out at a moment's notice for a long, long time, probably most of my life.  Time to figure out how to turn the hyper-alert setting down, and breathe.  Stay.  Live.

Tuesday

For the record, I'm not mad.  Just learning to value myself more than someone else, or the approval of someone else.  Trying to figure out who I want to be right now, and where I want my life to go.  What makes me myself, not anyone else.

Through no one else's fault, I've found that I tend to put everyone else first, and have been holding my breath so often on my own life, waiting for the right time, for something (relationship, job, weight to get carried by those responsible for it, ???) to happen before I live.  And I want to stop doing that, it never arrives, I always find I'm waiting, and years pass by.  (I'm not waiting for happiness, I already have that, I'm waiting for purpose, and what I contribute to the world. Where I fit in in the greater scheme of life.)  It's not all the time, but it's too much of the time.  A message buried so deep and ingrained in everything I do, that it's almost imperceptible, yet driving everything, every choice I make.  I'm just suddenly very aware of it.  I'm more aware of the time passing, that there are fewer years of life ahead of me than behind me, and what do I do with them?

Yeah, that's where I'm at.

Later

After writing all that, I returned the book I wasn't enjoying, without finishing it.  Why torture myself (and it was)?  No good reason at all.

And I know those two points seemed contradictory, but in the first, it was about how pure someone has to be in order for us to accept the good work(s) they do/did.  The chance to do better when we realize our errors: space for change, for grace.  In the latter, open communication, even of doubt, to say you're walking away for a while, forever, to not be left fumbling in the dark by myself, would suffice.

Off to another gig.

(Sat around almost four hours for eight minutes of performance.  Wish we'd gotten fed something besides carrot sticks and Cheetos.)

Rainy Saturday

Went over to the market in the pouring rain to make holiday swag.  Was much busier than I expected it to be, and while I was enjoying the atmosphere, the cheerful crowds, the music, etc., my hands were freezing and my jacket was soaked, so I grabbed some greens and wire, and walked briskly home.  Now it's sitting on the porch drying off, and my clothes are in the wash.  I want to add magnolia branches, but that will require putting shoes back on, so hasn't happened yet.  It's really wet out.  And chilly.

Was scrolling through email yesterday and a picture came up of a woman that looked familiar, but for some reason I couldn't place her.  Later, I went to this artist talk (one that I thought would be interesting but which surprised me by leaving me super conflicted) and the same woman walked in late and sat behind me.  We met 17 years ago (I figured out who she was, and when I thought about it, it makes sense she was in the photo, not sure why I didn't make the connection initially.  I think she once sat on the board of the organization.)  It's been years since we've crossed paths.  We had an interesting friendship, love-hate at times.  I didn't end up saying anything, wasn't sure if she remembered me, and I was feeling unsettled and wanted to get out of the room (not because of her, but something that happened during the talk.)  People are complicated, we are never gonna find 100% "purity", so we have to live with the good someone has done in the world, even while accepting that they weren't necessarily perfect enough.  We throw the baby out with the bathwater too often.  We have to figure out how much uncertainty we can accept.  The heroes and heroines don't always come easily recognizable on a white horse, but could still offer what is needed at the right time.

And to add to yesterday.  I'm fine with me.  I like my own company, I'm not looking for anyone to save me or complete me.  I'm enough.  I would love to have other company, people to share life, time, friendship, whatever, in a mutual respecting, loving way.  Life is fleeting.  Why would any of us spend what time and energy we have on a life and relationships that aren't fulfilling?  What do we gain from that?  How does it make our own lives, or the world a better place?  If it can't be that, if we aren't reaching each other in mutual ways, if we don't enjoy one another's company, what's the point?  (If you don't enjoy my company, you're under no obligation to be with me.)  Until that time, I'm good with me.  (There's a better existence than merely being tolerated or humored or kept on a long leash until something more promising comes along, not what's wanted in the end, but better than being alone, it's insulting really... and again, what's the point?)

New month

Chilly and breezy to begin December.  I'm trying to find moments to finish the books whenever I can, one is due sooner than I'd realized, and I'm not particularly enjoying it, but feel some sort of need to complete it, so it's one less thing undone.  I like the subject matter (Do animals have feelings?) though not convinced by the writing.  If I didn't believe it already, I wouldn't be sold, even if the stories themselves are interesting.  Ditto the "Hidden Life of Trees;" I've heard much of this info elsewhere, and the writing style is not my cup of tea (jumps around, a little folksy for me), however, I'm glad it was written and that people are reading it, anything that helps people broaden their view of the world, our place in it, and helps to see that life has it's own worth apart from our ability to exploit it, is good a good thing.  I'm preferring the other tree book (actually, more about ecosystems), even if the reality is depressing, the writing is solid.  (I love the self-help book.)

My arm feels much better.  I hope that lasts for a while.

Still feeling in limbo. (Or back in it, been that kinda' a year.  There is no center, no certainty here.  Things ending, not beginning yet.  Saturn return, a 28-year cycle...is it real?  I don't know.  Did I suddenly find myself reviewing life events (more harassment, sexism memories coming up again, because of the news cycle), relationships (yeah, that's plural) from 27-29 years ago: yes, almost to the day.  Bringing up a lot of memories to process, and what I want in life, trust issues, communication, love, boundaries, affection, touch, space (both allowing space in a life, and outside of one to be an individual), conversation, friendship, respect, choosing each other, seeing people for who they are now, and not just who they were then, who I wanted to be, who I wanted to see them as...we remain ourselves, I suppose, but 28 years of life is a lot, and everyone changes.)  Trying to find peace in it, figure out what I'm learning about myself, my own reactions.  That's good.  For the moment, I'll learn as much as I can, but there are other ways to grow, so I'm not gonna stay here (limbo) forever.  I can't do that anymore.

"We must let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

Mid-week

I went Downtown to pay a bill, then stayed to check out the gingerbread houses across from the Sheraton.  Not ready to head home, I wandered the streets, window shopping, decoration watching.

I passed a photography class learning to pan their cameras on the holiday carousel.  I admired the zebras, choose that horse as my favorite.  Kids climbed the playground structures in the dark.

Further along, the Sequoia decorated at 4th and Virginia/Olive...is it lonely with no other trees to offer support, surrounded by cement and exhaust all day?  Still, it remains festively lit up against the night sky.  Perhaps oblivious to the traffic passing by.

I wanted to read.  In a bar.  So, I walked and walked through town, like Goldilocks, looking for just the right atmosphere, not too crowded, not too dark, not too fancy...but at 7 pm mid-week, in the Downtown core, not to be found.

I found myself once again in my old haunt, Belltown, near the old Freehold space, now for lease.  Wandering up to a new place, unsure if it was actually open or not, and after standing outside trying to assess for a few moments, I pushed the door inward and entered.  The bartender was just re-appearing behind the bar, I asked if it was open, it was.  I looked for a table with enough light to read.

She brought me a bowl of Marcona almonds with my drink, after I asked if there was any food.  I was trying to finish what I had, but then she brought me more, and I wondered if it would be wrong to put them in a container to take with me, so as not to waste them (I didn't.)  It was a lot of almonds.  I stayed for almost two hours, reading, and sometimes watching the customers replace each other as the evening passed, almost always choosing the same seats at the bar, so that three seats were used over and over, while the rest remained empty.  I read a quarter of the book.

Cops on the street.  Five squad cars for three people.  We (the people on the street) watched until it resolved (some people recording it, just in case.)  Further along, people lined up on the sidewalk waiting to get into a show; I waded my way through the crowd.

The flame burned behind the bus shelter, the one holding it oblivious to anyone that might be watching.  Unsure what that was, but my bus pulled up to the curb just then.  Home was quick.  I found some clarity.

I woke up early.  Wrote, showered.  Reheated yesterday's coffee in the microwave and drank it, then left the house.  I arrived at work a full 1/2 hour early.