Rainy Saturday

Went over to the market in the pouring rain to make holiday swag.  Was much busier than I expected it to be, and while I was enjoying the atmosphere, the cheerful crowds, the music, etc., my hands were freezing and my jacket was soaked, so I grabbed some greens and wire, and walked briskly home.  Now it's sitting on the porch drying off, and my clothes are in the wash.  I want to add magnolia branches, but that will require putting shoes back on, so hasn't happened yet.  It's really wet out.  And chilly.

Was scrolling through email yesterday and a picture came up of a woman that looked familiar, but for some reason I couldn't place her.  Later, I went to this artist talk (one that I thought would be interesting but which surprised me by leaving me super conflicted) and the same woman walked in late and sat behind me.  We met 17 years ago (I figured out who she was, and when I thought about it, it makes sense she was in the photo, not sure why I didn't make the connection initially.  I think she once sat on the board of the organization.)  It's been years since we've crossed paths.  We had an interesting friendship, love-hate at times.  I didn't end up saying anything, wasn't sure if she remembered me, and I was feeling unsettled and wanted to get out of the room (not because of her, but something that happened during the talk.)  People are complicated, we are never gonna find 100% "purity", so we have to live with the good someone has done in the world, even while accepting that they weren't necessarily perfect enough.  We throw the baby out with the bathwater too often.  We have to figure out how much uncertainty we can accept.  The heroes and heroines don't always come easily recognizable on a white horse, but could still offer what is needed at the right time.

And to add to yesterday.  I'm fine with me.  I like my own company, I'm not looking for anyone to save me or complete me.  I'm enough.  I would love to have other company, people to share life, time, friendship, whatever, in a mutual respecting, loving way.  Life is fleeting.  Why would any of us spend what time and energy we have on a life and relationships that aren't fulfilling?  What do we gain from that?  How does it make our own lives, or the world a better place?  If it can't be that, if we aren't reaching each other in mutual ways, if we don't enjoy one another's company, what's the point?  (If you don't enjoy my company, you're under no obligation to be with me.)  Until that time, I'm good with me.  (There's a better existence than merely being tolerated or humored or kept on a long leash until something more promising comes along, not what's wanted in the end, but better than being alone, it's insulting really... and again, what's the point?)