Tuesday

For the record, I'm not mad.  Just learning to value myself more than someone else, or the approval of someone else.  Trying to figure out who I want to be right now, and where I want my life to go.  What makes me myself, not anyone else.

Through no one else's fault, I've found that I tend to put everyone else first, and have been holding my breath so often on my own life, waiting for the right time, for something (relationship, job, weight to get carried by those responsible for it, ???) to happen before I live.  And I want to stop doing that, it never arrives, I always find I'm waiting, and years pass by.  (I'm not waiting for happiness, I already have that, I'm waiting for purpose, and what I contribute to the world. Where I fit in in the greater scheme of life.)  It's not all the time, but it's too much of the time.  A message buried so deep and ingrained in everything I do, that it's almost imperceptible, yet driving everything, every choice I make.  I'm just suddenly very aware of it.  I'm more aware of the time passing, that there are fewer years of life ahead of me than behind me, and what do I do with them?

Yeah, that's where I'm at.