Almost the end of the year

Still waiting on the dryer to be fixed, but landlord thinks the washer is okay.  A friend offered to take me to the laundry mat earlier...might take her up on it, I still need to wash my sleeping bag from my trip.  (Just haven't gotten around to it.  Need a front loader, and we don't have one.  On my last morning hiking, I found what I think was toothpaste all over it.  Not mine, I think someone had spilled it on a couch in the last place I stayed.  I sat on the couch in the semi-dark to stuff my sleeping bag in it's sack, and repack my backpack.)  And ack!  I can't believe Christmas is in less than a week!  I have stuff to get done between now and then, but I just come home and sleep.  Still pretty wiped out.

Last week was pretty rough, though there were surprising bright spots, which made up for the bad.  Also, I found myself able to let go.  In the past, I would've been stressed out all weekend (had a work thing happen late in the day on Friday), but by the time I was ready to go to sleep on Friday night, I'd already let go of it.  My eyes are pretty open and it changes things, but I'm not stewing.  I'm not driving myself crazy or making myself sick over it.  I also received unexpected support, maybe because I'm learning how to let people in.

Been good at being independent for so long, learning how to balance that with letting people in.  Learning how to give people a chance to care.  I'm not good at it, but I'm realizing just because I've always (or at least half my life, I might have been different as a kid) been a particular way, doesn't mean I can't change.  Since I'm still alive, I can change.  Even if it's a steep learning curve, I can grow.  I don't always have to be who I've become by default.  I do still have agency.  I can choose differently.  And our past doesn't necessarily have to decide all future outcomes, changing one thing (outlook, behavior, learning something new which opens doors you always thought of as closed) could make all the difference.  If a single choice can negatively effect your future, than a different single choice could just as easily positively effect your future.  (I'm not thinking of what would seem like a major thing, but if I do it, it will change what my life could be.  That's a strange thought, how something so minor could make that much of a difference, and yet it does.)  And when I look at it that way, there is more hope in it.