Onto the next one

Thinking about drinking water is not the same as actually doing it and won't get rid of the headache. Dehydration headaches are nasty beasts! And my own fault, I might add, I woke up at 4 am thinking I should drink water, but didn't until after 6 when the pain got unbearable.  Just don't usually have the urge to drink water.

The cherry trees dropped most of their remaining leaves overnight leaving the Quad looking empty and somehow naked. Squirrels sit on the very tips of the nut tree branches, gorging themselves, yet keeping their bodies so still and barely bending the branches down; they must be lighter than they look. I won't try to pick one up to find out.  The horse chestnuts and pin oaks are battling it out to see how long they can hold onto their leaves.  The pin oaks will likely win, but the chestnuts put up a good show. All of it resting, waiting between active weather systems. Everything still, minus the chewing of the squirrels.

So, it worked last night, which is great, but now it has to keep happening so it's not just a fluke. I had asked how we drop into the imaginary circumstance before we start.  She said we can take as long as we needed to get there (which was good to hear, sometimes it feels like it's "go, go, go!") and she then told the class that both partners should leave the room before the exercise starts.  I was out there for a while, but couldn't drop into it, which was a shame, since I'd been getting there off and on all day.  I just started, half way through, after two extra people walked into the scene, it hit me. So it worked.  My thing was (short version) that I was trying to learn this Estonian song Tuljak to sing to an Estonian relative who was dying, whom I had just found out about. (There's a lot more to it, but that's the gist.) We switched partners again, and added a relationship element to it all.  And even though I was crying, I have to say, adding the people to the scene and having well thought out meanings to actions (both partners) does make it more fun to do the exercise.

Risk

Just worked myself up to crying by the time I got on the bus.  I hope I can feel that much when I do the exercise later.  I'm using my original circumstances, but managed to pull people I care about into the backstory.  I'm also doing a task that would normally scare the crap out of me, but it's what I came up with, so I'll do it.  It's about taking risks after all.  I don't think anyone's gonna judge me on this anyway, and other people have really started to offer themselves up in these tasks; it's such a privilege to be there.  And I appreciate that the boundaries are being pushed out, it makes it safer for all of us to take greater risks. I want to honor that spirit and make bigger choices.  I didn't do it enough at clown last night and I feel that I'm not pushing myself even to my edges (not that I haven't. I did over the summer, but I can't rest on that.) That's where growth is; it's important to go there.

I hope everyone stays for the duration of the program, if anyone were to leave at the quarter, it would be such a loss.

Committment to failure

Had clown group tonight.  Lot's of the George stuff including the "emotional" face-off (though not the "be funny") exercises. A new person found it and showed up, jumped right in (he stuck his head in the door as most of us were dropping to the floor and dying a dramatic death-and didn't walk back out).  Busses before mine were late, so mine was mostly empty.  Had to force my eyes to stay open for the last two stops, I kept waking up and being confused by the surroundings.  Really friggin' tired.

Commit to the action.  Commit to playing it out.  Commit to letting it fail grandly, if it must.  My backstory just got a lot more personal.

I look like a zombie

The circumstances are so much greater than I thought, though I probably still need to get more specific (I did some research to beef up my reason.  Wow.)

I look like a zombie today, too bad it's not still Halloween. The welts under my eyes just combine to look like dark circles, and I can't cover it up because touching them with anything burns. Still don't know what it's from. I haven't had any more coconut milk.  I need to find someone that works with food issues, this is ridiculous, I don't want to become allergic to everything.

Life seems full of little daggers; at some point you just stop feeling them.  It would be okay to be on the winning side sometimes. Is Mercury still in retrograde?  I feel like conversations are shooting past the ear and missing their target; not receiving anything close to an answer to the question I'm asking.  I haven't a clue what the responses mean.  I'm losing my mind (and screaming in frustration inside my head.)

Monday

Huge piles of leaves and branches everywhere, my memory is short, I'd forgotten about the windstorm.  (And still, there are lots of leaves left to fall.)

Still hoping to break through deeper with the Meisner work.  It will help to be a deeper kinda' artist, in all ways if I can.  We have months to go, so there's hope, I think.  My task this week isn't in relation to anyone I care deeply about, though she said that was fine as long as I make it really specific, so I'll need to research that.  I'll try to make the rest of the quarter about people in my life.  It's scary, and she acknowledged that, to imagine high stakes events about people you love, it feels like thinking that would make it happen and you would harm them in some way, although, we probably all already catastrophize (?) in our darker moments.

Still very intrigued by how much dynamics change when the partners change, and what that brings out in each person.  Still having a hard time visualizing, not sure why.  I get caught up in the action (perhaps trying to "do it right") that I rarely see beyond the obvious.  Sometimes, a fleeting glimpse.  If I'm alone, I usually can.  It's the being watched, and the expectation that I should see something, that everyone else is, and I have to in order to keep up, that freezes my mind.  It will be a huge achievement if ever I can get beyond that.

A friend I haven't seen in 25+ years is in town.  Am trying to make time in a busy week.  Trying to make time for friends and other parts of my life un-related to theatre.  It's tough. I haven't balanced it yet.  And I sometimes think I want to be in a relationship, but would that be fair?  Would I be able to give them (and the relationship) the energy they deserve?  Don't know.

Off my horse

Time to stop with all that.  Done with being a self-righteous prig for now, until something else happens. I've over explained.

Man, it's late, and the 'Hawks are losing.  (Ooh, touchdown!) Nature seems very subdued and penitent today after all the shenanigans of yesterday...with the exception of the giant, dark cloud overhead dropping down heavy, but infrequent, blobs of rain. Dreamt about Meisner last night, some exercise I wasnt' doing right because no one told me what I was supposed to be doing (it was a clown exercise, I think, where you embody various conflicting things with a varying level of energy.) And I asked Robin if my task were good enough, I think she said "yes" in the dream, but maybe not in reality:)

Uh, gotta get to the bus stop. It's after two.  I think my partner is doing the task today, but I will try to have something ready, just in case. This is so stressful...I do see the point, I'm going through a long uncreative stage...but creativity doesn't always work on cue, have to work with what you got.

I've been having an allergic reaction, to what, I don't know, since last night. My eyes are puffy with small, stinging welts around them.  I didn't eat anything unusual yesterday, nor today. Maybe I touched my eyes with pepper juice or something. Carrying Benadryl, just in case.

Cheers.

Clumsy

The library thing cleared out yesterday, so that's good. Super spacey and clumsy today. Forgot that I was drinking a mocha and put the cup in my shopping basket and then it spilled all over. The people that work at that store are super nice, and the man I told was cool about it (but then again, what are you gonna do? Accidents happen. My housemate just told me a story where he knocked down a carton of egg nog which exploded both on the floor and all over him.) He said I should go see if they'd make me another coffee, but I hadn't bought it there, so I didn't. The groceries were $50 (!), most things hovering between $1-$2 range, mostly bulk and root vegetables. It just adds up. I needed worcestershire sauce for a stew recipe, and I got cottage cheese, spelt tortillas and cut hubbard squash (that was actually by mistake, and the priciest thing, but it'll be fine.) I'm trying to cook more.

For the record, because of various posts I've written, no one that I would consider a boyfriend in my past has been physically abusive. Just for clarity. And I wasn't excusing someone else's drunkenness or lack of control (or ability to say "yes" or "no") as an excuse to abuse them in anyway saying that "they asked for it." I know way too many people that have been date-raped, or attempted, that's never okay.  I was only implying that if you act like an abusive ass when you're drunk (most people don't), you can't really blame it on the alcohol. (It reminds me of a Bill Cosby schtick about drugs/alcohol, I'd post it, but my computer is possessed. They are on youtube.)

Still can't remember what I was gonna do, so I think I'll stay home and cook. The wind has conveniently pushed all the leaves into neat piles; will make it easier to pick up.  I wanted to go to this "circus" -type performance today, that a friend is in, but it's out of my budget this week. Hopefully, they will do something again soon, my tuition is paid off for the quarter, so I will actually be able to pay to see something after next payday.

A car just crashed into our yard, but I think everyone is okay and they've called a tow truck; front of car is pretty damaged. They didn't see the red light and shot through the intersection.  Maybe everyone's a little spacey today.

More about that

The thing is, I don't actually drink much anymore, I tasted wine last night (less than an inch in the glass) because I wanted to know what I was serving, but I realized I hadn't had a drink in almost a month. If I don't tell myself that I can't, I tend not to do things (silly rebellious streak.)  But I tend to be attracted to users (more than "moderate") and have dated quite a few. I have mentioned the co-dependency thing. I have all the tendencies of someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, but I didn't. There was rarely alcohol around when I was growing up. I didn't drink until I was 21.  And while I know quite a few women who don't do drugs or drink, I meet very few men that don't (or who even use moderately-what the medical field would define as moderate.)  Maybe there's more peer pressure on men to use; when I was in college, there was definitely the pressure to use, to not be seen as a "goody-goody," to belong to the group. I know people (women) who were strong enough to resist that, I was not among them. I was through with being a "good" girl, I wanted to belong and not be mocked all the time, though I ended up being both, for different things. And admittedly, I like the feeling of a slight loss of control that alcohol gives; the slight giddiness I feel; the fact that I'm more extroverted.

I don't know if it's because I somehow have bought into the idea that they are more "interesting" or if it's because I think I deserve that or just randomly how things work out, having nothing to do with either. But now I want to treat myself with respect and I think that means treating others that way and increasing the time with the people who treat me that way. I think alcohol, in particular, removes our carefully constructed social behavior facades, and it's an interesting thing to watch what's underneath (even in myself.) Unless you're blacking out, I think there is awareness of how you behave. It's not a good excuse to blame bad behavior on the alcohol, because you knew that's how you typically act on it and still chose to use it, which would be a valid choice...just own it. I'm not trying to be judgemental, just personally kinda' over it, and all the drama.

Stormy

Or rather that would be Benedetti.  Much easier to read than previous translations of Stanislavski's work, so far.  Crap! I can't think of anything. And it's not just me, not showing up with something workable and that I'm committed to, is also not showing up for the other people in the class: I have to do something, it has to have a good reason for it.  It's that even though other people are giving me permission to get out of my box, and that is immensely helpful, I still have a hard time getting out of it. I feel creatively stuck (again.)

Gonna go for a walk. Super stormy out. The lights were flickering earlier and when I looked out the window it didn't look that windy, but when I went to the recycling bin, it was blowing pretty hard.  I need to go over to the library to clear up the fine. It doesn't open for another hour, and I'm waiting, listening to a french language cd. I don't seem to have the first one, that would be helpful, I imagine it covered pronunciation. I was trying to read finnish earlier as well, and realized I've forgotten most things. I can still pronounce it though. The finnish book has no english translations what-so-ever, so harder to remember. I'll have to find my notes.

I feel like there is something I'm supposed to do today, but I can't remember what it is. Barring figuring it out, I guess I'll rake leaves and write. I need to come up with something, and I should work on monologue stuff as well. And get out of the house a few times, I feel weird on weekends if I don't leave the house. Went to a music showcase to meet a friend after the catering gig (which was fun) last night.  It was on the way home. The music was good, but the vibe last night was somehow unsettling. I can't really put my finger on it, it's sorta the same way I feel about things that reminds me of the '70's...kinda' unpleasant overall to me. I enjoyed seeing my friend, but the rest was disturbing, a combination of everything. Need to shake it off. Ugh.

Week went by fast

Perhaps I was being harsh, but it makes me feel a bit like a pariah if someone has to be drunk or stoned to be with me or to talk to me, like that's the only way they can tolerate me, but hey, I'm what's available, so they will try.  I was seeing someone earlier this year that was always on something when we saw each other.  I liked him too, just seemed like he was never fully present with me (people do that with texting as well, not just drugs.)  Maybe face-to-face interaction is taken for granted, or it's just too immediate for people. I want you to be with me when you're with me and not keep a wall between us, if that seems demanding, so be it.  If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn't be with you. (Maybe when you've known each other for awhile that's fine, but not when you're getting to know someone.)  I'm not really ragging on him specifically, it's a pet peeve of mine.  We are becoming too disconnected and desensitized to each other's humanity, but that's another issue.

Being visited by the small, round birds. I think they are picking bugs off of the leaves.

Not ready for Sunday's class, don't have a task, and I have to work tonight, so won't get much writing in on that, maybe tomorrow.  Picked up a Jean Bendetti (on Stanislavski) book at the library last night. It's not the one I was thinking it was.  This one uses Hamlet as an example throughout, much thinner. Oh, the book I was looking for is called An Artist's Work.  (And apparently a DVD I turned in last night, didn't scan as being turned in so I'm gonna get fined for it. Yea. That branch is closed today, so can't do anything about it until tomorrow.)

On a happier note, there was a short blurb in the news where a pod of orcas escorted a ferry carrying native artifacts back home. And that's really cool.