More about that

The thing is, I don't actually drink much anymore, I tasted wine last night (less than an inch in the glass) because I wanted to know what I was serving, but I realized I hadn't had a drink in almost a month. If I don't tell myself that I can't, I tend not to do things (silly rebellious streak.)  But I tend to be attracted to users (more than "moderate") and have dated quite a few. I have mentioned the co-dependency thing. I have all the tendencies of someone who grew up in an alcoholic household, but I didn't. There was rarely alcohol around when I was growing up. I didn't drink until I was 21.  And while I know quite a few women who don't do drugs or drink, I meet very few men that don't (or who even use moderately-what the medical field would define as moderate.)  Maybe there's more peer pressure on men to use; when I was in college, there was definitely the pressure to use, to not be seen as a "goody-goody," to belong to the group. I know people (women) who were strong enough to resist that, I was not among them. I was through with being a "good" girl, I wanted to belong and not be mocked all the time, though I ended up being both, for different things. And admittedly, I like the feeling of a slight loss of control that alcohol gives; the slight giddiness I feel; the fact that I'm more extroverted.

I don't know if it's because I somehow have bought into the idea that they are more "interesting" or if it's because I think I deserve that or just randomly how things work out, having nothing to do with either. But now I want to treat myself with respect and I think that means treating others that way and increasing the time with the people who treat me that way. I think alcohol, in particular, removes our carefully constructed social behavior facades, and it's an interesting thing to watch what's underneath (even in myself.) Unless you're blacking out, I think there is awareness of how you behave. It's not a good excuse to blame bad behavior on the alcohol, because you knew that's how you typically act on it and still chose to use it, which would be a valid choice...just own it. I'm not trying to be judgemental, just personally kinda' over it, and all the drama.