Electricity back on

Went to a clown workshop today.  Fun stuff.  I signed up for it awhile ago. I never know what to expect in performance workshops so I'm always dealing with this level of anxiety, "I can do this.  Oh, god, it's my turn again, what if I suck?"  Always the dialogue in the back of my head, but I get up and do it anyway.  I don't know if it will ever go away.  I am finding it less paralyzing as time goes on, but it keeps running in the background.  I want to explore the conflict between the dread and the desire to perform. My clown definitely lives there.

The instructor said he could always see the dread, but that it was somehow relaxed.  I've been feeling it all year, but I've finally decided to accept it and work with it.  I also had several fortuitous mishaps which I was able to work with...a welcome gift.  When the unexpected happens, you must acknowledge it and own it.

He also mentioned that all performers have an energetic signature, and that's where you work from, and since we were all so different, it was fun to see what alchemy emerged when these very different energies came together for partner exercises.  I'd never thought of that or heard it before.  But that makes sense, it's what you bring to every performance you do, you can't be something you are not.  You don't actually need to be, and that's liberating.  You both bring what you are to the table and see where that meets and where it leads. (All the partner exercises were shared tasks.  No speaking.)

Another liberating thing is the realization that I've spent so much of my life trying to win the approval of those who will never give it.  I guess I thought if I had it, I'd be someone.  But even if I got it, after so much striving, I wouldn't actually be me, only a shadow of someone I think someone else wants me to be.  Their withholding is no fault of mine, only a choice they are making, one they are free to make.  My obsession with it gives it power.  They don't owe me anything, I can walk away.  There are other people who already or are willing to believe in me; when I am around them, I feel the strength of my worth.  I am seeing that the carrot works better than the stick for inspiration.  I am learning to give my best to the work because someone believes in me vs. to try win someone's approval.  You know, duh, but some things take a long time to sink in.  Better now than later.

The reason I put myself through all this is because like anything, it's a discipline and needs to be practiced/exercised; and my enjoyment is greater than my dread.  Then there is the idea that if no one else is hiring you, you can create and perform your own work.  And the exercises are good both for the daily practice and for exploration and idea generation.

This work is really growing in me, this might be what fills the vacuum this year.  I came up with an idea for a performance; the part I have is the middle section, need to figure out the why of it and where it goes from there: what's the story?  I rarely have this clear of an idea of what I want to do.  I hope I can trust it.