Emotional whiplash

The emotional high of last weekend to a roller coaster week, much, much more than usual.  I matter.  I'm completely insignificant, disregarded.  People I thought I'd connected with can't be bothered now.  Four people contacted me out of the blue in affection (not romantic, but love.)  I'm loved.  I'm nobody.  My insurance is balking on the ER visit.  I thought I had a stable living situation, and suddenly I no longer do...extremes all week, and all week, confronting me, making me deal with them.

I don't know what direction to take.

As far as the housing goes, I can remind myself that when I moved last year, I didn't think this place would be long term.  But the thought of looking for a place and the process of moving, finding help moving again...I wanted to get a longer break.  I'm bad with change (obviously.)  I'd like to spend a little time in a comfort zone.  I'd like to rest.  Still, for me, that's death.  I just stagnate.  I know.  I hate change so much that I stay in situations long past what is in my best interest.  And maybe all these things are gentle-(ish) reminders of that.  That it's time to move on.

I thought pushing myself in other areas of my life would fulfill some of that need for change.  (Is that irrational?)  It's not just the housing.  I need to change a lot of things, major things, most of them scare me, or make me sad.  But they just aren't working; they're comfortable, safe, and unfulfilling.  And then there's all the good stuff, all the art, and other good things, three shows that are kinda' a big deal for me, in the next two months.  I got through it last spring, and I will again.  There will never be time enough, and somehow it still gets done.

We are never really still.

Outside, nature's off stretching her muscles, and tapping at my window.  I shall stay out of her way.