Broke through a wall

Exhausted, and it's late.  Broke through something, I don't know, the group I'm working with, the clothes, the day, the space that feels safe where I've let my guard down before, something clicked.  A lot of the self-consciousness that I feel on stage was gone (still felt it when I wasn't on stage), I was able to run with the impulse without wondering if I was having any (this has been a problem), and my energy levels went much higher.  All of this in spite of the fact that when it's not my turn, I sit and fret and think I'm gonna suck, that nothing will happen, that I will have to fake it.  And then I let the unexpected happen, I played by whatever ridiculous rules presented themselves, and I felt like something finally shifted.  I may not always get there in the future, but I got there today, which means I can do it.  It's there.  A personal victory.

I am also a giant bruise, I seem to have hurt my right foot, and I might have pulled something in my abdomen, though I don't currently feel that.  I was pulling myself over a theatre block via the back of my ankles from a starting position of lying on my back, and I felt a twinge in my side.  I did make it over.  (The block was an obstacle that we had to find a way over.)  Except for games, it was mostly solo work again.  I think we might do partner work tomorrow.

In spite of my lingering anxiety, today was fantastic.  And again, whenever I enter that space, every other worry in my life vanishes, and I am only there.  I love that.  Seven hours of being present.

Went to a show at ACT after.  I was only gonna stay for the first half, but the second half ended up being more meaningful to me.  It was a solo show about Shakespeare.  One thing he said had to do with nothing Shakespeare wrote was original, he wrote about the human condition, and that's common to all of us, only his language was better.  And in that, it should be accessible to all people, you shouldn't have to be "smart enough" to understand it.  He also talked about studying voice and speech, and that how to change the way you speak, to make it genuine (not fake, something you put on) you actually have to change yourself since speech is a huge part of our identity.  That reminded me of how I was told to raise my pitch (which I haven't done), and how much it freaked me out to think about it.  We have so many reasons for why we speak the way we do, what we believe it conveys.  But my vocal resonance is higher than where my current pitch is.

Also, when I was driving home on Christmas Eve, my voice was sore, and I started singing "operatic."  I have very little pitch control when I do it, would need to work with someone, but interestingly: it didn't hurt to sing that way, my volume probably doubled, and I had a bigger range.  Something to explore in the future.

For now, I need to sleep.