Gnawing

I think we decided to postpone the clown show, not enough material ready to present, short on members to perform.  Maybe in the mid-fall.

It's a relief.  While I have work I'd like to explore, I'm still trying to figure out who my clown is, and to be truthful with that.  Also, I want the work to be solid, explored more completely.  To me, that matters, as clown here (as opposed to say Europe or S. America) has such a bad association (i.e., scary, creepy, etc), and it doesn't have to be that.  There's an honesty to it, a sharing with the audience, that when it works, can be transformative...and I'm not nearly there.  It's also practice, and since it's not my top priority right now, I haven't been doing the time.

For me, I started it because I wanted to push my boundaries, to get to places in myself I hadn't been able to access.  And it definitely helps with that, in the right situation, with the right mentor/group/etc.  Working with George definitely pushed me, broke walls.  I hope it's made me a better actor.  And that was why I did it, continue to study it, not as an end in itself.

Also, I love the people I've been working with.  I love when we connect, when we find something, when we go into those imaginary worlds and run with it.  And I've stayed with the group because of them.  Still, there is only so much energy to be spent, and I'm way too scattered with mine.  I think my heart/passion is in other work.  I want to keep the community, but focus on the work that I need to do right now.  I feel as if I'm hiding behind all these other things, and not facing what I want because I'm afraid of failing...but clown teaches how to fail, it's all about failing, so what is there to fear?  (Disappointment?  Rejection?  Making a fool of myself?)

I need to stop making so many obstacles for myself.  They're not real, but they are everywhere right now.  Excuses to not move forward.  Whatever it is I'm afraid of can't be worse than stagnation.